since I am the daughter. I originally posted this on an older forum and someone replied that I might need to post to a current discussion. I am just looking for others in my situation. My Dad is elderly and been having strokes and is now almost completely bed ridden. My mother was his caregiver at home, but now he is termporily in a nursing home as he recovers from an infrection from a bedsore. He is expected to be there for about 20 days. They moved close to me about 4 years ago and it has been a struggle since they moved here. I feel like I am always trying to establish boundaries with my mom --- I understand she is taking care of my dad and it's difficult for her, but she refuses to hire help and expects me to be his caregiver too. I am torn on what is the appropriate level of involvement --- I love my parents, but I am trying to balance my own life with their needs. My mom treats me like a child and makes me feel guilty for trying to live my own life. Now that he is in the nursing home she stays with him all day to feed him and does not want him to be alone. She expects me to 'relieve" her all day on Saturdays, half day on Sunday and then come there after work to feed him dinner so she can go home and rest. I do not have children and my husband died 4 years ago so she does not seem to respct the fact that I do have a ife -- I have a career, I am on a local Non-Profit Board, I have friends and I have started a new relationship. For others in similar situations I am curious how involved you are in caregiving of your parent? (My parents have resources to pay for help, but my mom does not want strangers taking care of my dad and is convinced as the daughtre it's my responsiblity to take care of my dad.
The caregiver could do light laundry, light house cleaning and then gradually get more involved in direct contact. Your Dad is sleeping, caregiver can say..why don't you run to the store to get the shopping done, or go get your hair done I will be here when he wakes and I will make sure he is safe until you return.
This way in your Mom's mind she is still doing "her job" as a wife.
Also this would be a great time for you and your Mom to get out together and have lunch. Start by bringing a lunch and just relaxing with her then next time suggest going out for a bit.
Stress that NO one will EVER be able to care for your Dad as well as she does but she needs to take care of herself so she can help him as long as he needs it.
You do not have to mention that statistics show that most caregivers die before the person they are caring for. This is because of stress and the fact that they ignore their own health and their own needs for time to do for themselves what they do for their loved one.
This will take time but getting a caregiver will help both your Dad, your Mom and you since you will be able to spend time as a daughter first not a caregiver.
Fast forward, my mother is back home and calls me every night asking me to come over for dinner, to visit etc after work. On weekends I'm trying to "get a life" again and volunteering, going to weddings, showers etc. She says I can do all that when she dies. yes, guilt lol
My mother has always been controlling and demanding. Alzheimer's has not changed that core part of her personality. She expects me to not have any sort of life and only live for hers. I do have grown children but out of state. I swear I will not do this to my own daughter!
And lastly, no neither of them will accept outside care in the house. I tried to hire a housekeeper and my father fired her after 2 visits. They are both late 80's. Throws hands up in the air....
I also recall that my Mom refused to acknowledge that my Dad even had a heart attack... good grief, if that got out then people would think she wasn't a good wife. But that was her way of thinking, and probably a lot of wives in her generation of those who married 60-70 years ago.
Guess my Mom didn't want to be fired or replaced in "her job" so she was determined that she be the only caregiver.... [sign].
I really think us younger generation [if you call being 70 younger, like me] we are more open to having outside help.
The best thing may be to step back and let the professionals explain things to her, couched in terms of " if you love him, you want what's best for him, which is professional care".
It is so hard to advise when a family member is as ill as your father. It is so personal and I know you have a lot of feelings you are working through, too. I imagine that you also have a strong sense of responsibility. We can get torn between our responsibilities to family and ourselves. The trick is finding the right balance so we don't end up harming ourselves if an illness is long. Please let us know how it is going.
In you follow up post you said that your mom is good with making you feel guilty. That seems to be a very common trait with people who are caregivers. I've read that it can be an inappropriate response to overwrought caregivers. It's called Caregiver Syndrome or something like that. You can research it on-line. How long have you been doing this?
If you know that you are doing the right thing, which is sounds like you are, I would try to work past the guilt. Perhaps practice some self soothing exercises to get you through it or some distractions. Rehearse you responses to your mom, before you speak with her, so you have prepared responses. Perhaps a counselor could give you some tools to use to combat it.
Do you believe that your mom is not right about this? Admitting that, might help you not feel guilty. If you are more confident in your decisions, you might not be so bothered.
I am fortunate that I was taught to feel guilty when I was not doing the right thing and to stand up for myself. So, I don't have a lot of guilt when I'm doing what I believe is fair. I also think it's important to not allow others to manipulate you. If you think that is what is happening, you might address that as well.
I hope things work out well. There have been some good suggestions on your thread. Please post about what happens and how you are feeling.
But this goes back to what JessieBelle was saying above, about daughters being viewed as expendable people. Apparently it's not only single daughters without kids - it's any daughter within traveling range. Sheesh!!!
Poor Dad I really believe his recovery was slowed down to a snails pace because of Mom's outdated thinking that only she could take care of my father. Mom also refused outside help. She wasn't all that friendly to the nurse who would stop in to take vital signs... it was how dare another women have her hands on my Dad... and she even snarled at the physical therapists.
The only time I helped was for getting groceries, running errands,and driving them to doctor appointments as Dad couldn't drive while in recovery. Any suggestions fell on deaf ears [pun intended] as I was just a kid [in my mid 60's at that time] so what did I know :P
This is a rough, tough patch you're navigating right now. Stick around. There are some smart cookies here who can be your sounding boards!
Babalou- She did call hospice but the nurse did not call her back soon enough. I was out of town and she did not call me until later when he was already at the ER. I do plan to contact hospice on Monday to ask about their local inpatient facility.
Sunnygirl- it's not so much that I am afraid of disappointing her, but she is so good at the guilt trip and after awhile I start to doubt myself and I am so glad that I got the courage to post on this forum. It's been helpful to hear that I am not a horrible daughter. My only concern at this point is and should be making sure my dad is cared for properly.
When he started running the fever, did mom call the hospice provider?
Being on hospice is supposed to prevent these painful and damaging ambulance trips, ers and hospitalizations. He might be so much better off somewhere where his symptoms, such as fever, can be managed.
I'm so sorry that you are in this pickle!
You say that your father has had multiple strokes and is almost completely bed bound. Has your mother inquired as to what kind of care that entails? The fact that she thinks it is feasible for her to do alone concerns me. If he comes home, she may likely want you taking over shifts there as well. How will you respond?
Have you explained to her that dad would be fine on the days she wants to go home to rest and that the staff will take good care of his meals. I would hope the rehab staff understand that mother has limitations, thus the bed sore and that you will not be involved in his in home care. Hopefully, they can convince her what he might need.
Do you feel that you would disappoint your mother if you established your boundaries? I haven't actually been in your position before, so it's difficult to imagine. I would do what I could, if needed, certainly, but, it seems that your mother's expectations are not reasonable.
I try to consider what is reasonable and if it isn't, I won't do it.
For her to request your entire weekend to just be there makes no sense. You don't have to buy into her obsessiveness. I am having a hard time figuring why she feels she needs to be there all the time. Is she worried that he might pass away? Or is he asking her to stay all the time? If so, that is between the two of them.
In your position I would decide what I could do, then stick to it unless there is an emergency where you are really needed. And whatever you do, don't move in with them! Take it from one who knows. I agree with the Babalou and Pam that it may be time for your father to receive care in a facility. Bed sores can happen anywhere, but they are serious things that should be handled by people who know how. Otherwise they become infected and invasive and very painful, introducing much suffering for the person and the caregiver, as well. Discuss this with the doctors, then make an informed decision on how to keep your father most comfortable.
Many years ago, my grandmother broke her hip and she told hospital personnel " oh, I'll just be an iinvalid and my daughter will take care of me" That would have been my mom with the three little kids.
Um, no grandma, you're going to to rehab to learn to walk again. Oh, the indignity of it! But i learned how to say "no".