My FIL is 81, lives with his wife, is very active and very strong. He has mentally declined in recent years and has become extremely angry, agitated, demanding, and controlling. He is a Vietnam vet and was an army ranger helicopter pilot in Vietnam. He has always been hard to deal with but is much worse now. He has farms all over the US and with the help of my husband maintains them quite well.
My husband is 60 and we run our farm and both work. My husband is very dedicated to his parents and help them on their farm 2.5 hours away weekly. My FIL is always dissatisfied with my husband, even though he does a great job for them, and constantly chides him on how awful he is. (By the way my husband has a Masters degree, worked in a management position for the last 20 years, recently retired from that position with a full pension).
This past week my FIL started a fist fight with my husband (he was upset about something trivial that had nothing to do with my husband). My husband had been working on my FIL farm all day and his Dad started attacking him when he arrived at the barn. My husband refused to fight him and kept pushing my FIL off of him and his Dad kept trying to punch him. He did finally punch my husband a few times and a friend pulled them apart. My husband decided it was time leave.
My husband is on his way home now. They were working a farm about 1600 miles from our home. He drove up there just help his Dad.
What can we do about my FIL? He gets angry if we try to talk to him. My husbands siblings think it's no big deal. They don't help out on the farms and really don't see him much. My MIL says she just wants to keep her husband happy and we should do whatever he demands. I feel my husband needs to stay away from his parents and just take care of ourselves and our kids. My husband will keep going back and I'm afraid someone is going to end up hurt or worse. What can I do?
If he is concerned there has been a sudden change in his father, or if he has any concerns at all about his mother's welfare, then he needs to take action early on. What you can do to help him is carry out research about advice centres, reporting procedures and social services support in his parents' area so that he has all the information to hand if he wants it. You can also encourage him by being matter of fact and constructive in your approach, keeping your emotions and worry as low key as you humanly can. Emphasise the practical side of the things, the responsibility, the purpose of facing problems and dealing with them. If he feels he's taking useful steps with a point to them, he might be more likely to get on with trying to improve things rather than simply soldier on.
Very worrying for all concerned, I'm sorry for it.
Either way, the verbal abuse is bad enough but physical abuse is frightening. I would think it's time for your husband to stop helping FIL. Like NOW.
MIL sounds subservient and not challenging; does FIL bully her too?
Perhaps you could e-mail or write to the other siblings and tell them that your family demands, jobs, etc. are being neglected and you need to spend more time on them. Therefore, your husband will not have the time to help his FIL any more. Let them help out if they think help is needed; then they'll see how violent FIL is.
If you're religious, ask your pastor/priest to talk to your husband as well. If you yourself have family members that would support you, ask them to intervene and express concern to your husband.
If you think it would help, you could ask local police for guidance - they would probably advise that your whole family stay away from FIL.
I'm wondering also if there are any police reports of his having been involved in other physical outbursts in his home town.
Does your FIL get physical with anyone beside your husband?