My father fell in January which triggered a series of events lewding to me finding an independent living community for him and my mother. The price per month is high so every penny matters. In order to save money I need for my parents to surrender a storage unit they have been paying monthly for. I have organized everything that was in there and have most of it now in their new home. When it came time to stop the rent on the storage my father told me he would not stop the rent and was keeping the unit. I insisted that it had to go in order to save money and told him it was happening. He proceeded to tell me if I did he would report me for elder abuse. I was shocked and now I am afraid to even go over there as I do not want or need any trouble like that in my life. I dont want his money to wear out living where he does. Any suggestions about how to deal with this?
That's not to say they should have to take abuse, obviously; but on the other hand they ought to make reasonable allowances for frayed tempers and high anxiety.
So sit easy. Take them a big box of chocolates or a nice plant, say appreciative words about what they do (there must be something?!) get right, and start again.
1) I'm sorry if this is insensitive and/or inappropriate- but I gotta know! Was the storage unit delemia ever resolved? Yes, when dad fell for the third time and they moved to AL neither of them was capable of paying the bills so storage unit went away.
2) Loss of bowel and bladder control: what's the diagnosis behind that, do you know? The bowel loss came after dad's second fall. He broke his pelvis and that caused nerve damage. The bladder issue is cause by enlarged protate that he is too old to survive the surgery for.
3) How are you getting on with the staff and managers at the ALF? Any allies there? Well I really messed that one up. The stress has put me on constant edge and my normal, reasoning self has given way to quick bouts of anger. I've fought with everyone at the ALF from the Wellness Director, Head Nurse, Director and an Aide. On the good side, the Head Nurse and the Director both recently quit so I can redeem myself with the new staff hopefully.
4) Do you have POA? Yes thankfully we had POA and MPOA drawn up when this all started. It would be virtually impossible now for the three of us to even make it to an attorney's office to do that.
5) Perhaps you have an eldercare attorney your parents deal with who can advise on the timeline for that. Yes, I hired one at the beginning and she has put some things into motion already.
6) Do the ER docs think that your parents are at the right level of care in the AL? From what you've described, it sounds as though they may need NH care now. I wondered that too so I went to a NH and started the process to have dad evaluated. The results came back that the NH does not want him unless he has chronic illnesses needing full time nursing. The examples given were feeding tubes and IVs. So I went to a second NH and they said the same thing. That was very discouraging since I can tell he is maxing out the abilities of the ALF staff.
Do you have POA? That will be helpful when you start the Meicaid application process. Perhaps you have an eldercare attorney your parents deal with who can advise on the timeline for that.
Do the ER docs think that your parents are at the right level of care in the AL? From what you've described, it sounds as though they may need NH care now.
Then there's how your mother's coping; dementia is always a possibility, true, but don't underestimate what stress can do to a person's reasoning and coping skills.
And you're an only child with a full-time job and a family.
How are you getting on with the staff and managers at the ALF? Any allies there?
I am sorry for the swift decline in your parents health. Spins on a dime doesn't it? All it took was one fall to shift my mothers dementia from mild to full throttle.
For now, head up, shoulders back and fasten your safety belt - you're likely in for a bumpy ride. But do remember what they tell you on airplanes - put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help others.
You are NOT responsible for your parent's living expenses. Perhaps a third party
( lawyer, mediator, social worker) could help out here.
Let us know how this works out.
Stop being abusive in your relationship with Dad. Stop assuming his future money needs are your responsibility. Gently guide him to make good decisions. Forcing decisions on him is abuse, pure and simple.
As far as the elder abuse accusation, it has me perplexed. I want to remain in their lives but I won't risk any sort of problems an accusation like that could cause.
On the face of it, of course I agree with you - paying rent on a unit you don't need and won't use is idiotic.
But to be really blunt, so is this, a bit: "I insisted that it had to go in order to save money and told him it was happening." Were you trying to piss him off?
It's your parents' money. If they want to waste it, who are you to stop them? You can help - you have helped - find them a good living situation; you can work out their budget; you can advise them on how they can match income and outgoings. But if you really want to help them, do not start giving them orders. It goes down very badly, QED, and is counterproductive. Which is a terrible waste of all your hard work, and a poor return for you.
Your second concern, about the precedent. I see what you mean, but you can avoid its being a precedent by not looking on this as an argument that either you or your father wins. Get his way? What, make his own decision? He is entitled, you know.
If you want to nip this in the bud and repair relationships, I'd recommend you apologise for overstepping the line between helping and interfering. I KNOW you did it for good reasons; I have been there too with the frustration of dealing with pig-headedness and I understand how it feels; but the fact is you did overstep. You should apologise.
Then start again, only this time remember you're trying to help them, not take charge of them.
That does run the risk though of having him decide, and possibly hire, someone to move things from his new home back to the storage unit.
An alternative is just drop the issue. He might be reeling from the shock of falling, moving, and is sensitive to and threatened by what he perceives as an attempt to take control of management of his life. This would be the approach I would take. Wait until he's adjusted to his new home and in a less threatened mood, then gradually segue into the issue sometime in the future.
I understand and applaud your concern for conserving his money, but I think his self esteem as a man, husband, parent, and other similar issues might be the more governing factors now. On that issue, he might be feeling less of the provider he was since you've become active in finding a new home, moving the furniture, etc.
Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do to protect a parent against wasteful spending. That's a hard lesson many of us have learned.
I do think your father is blustering and defensive though, so unless he does have legitimate grounds for claiming elder abuse, I'd let it pass, but protect yourself by staying away for awhile - let him get used to his new surroundings.