Anyone else feel guilt when you are doing it all but not caring for yourself?

In the beginning I may have felt guilt but it's a little over a year now with my 91 year old mother living with me and I feel more anger and resentment than anything. I get it. I mean when you go from a normal life to not being able to leave the house without tell her...it angers me at the loss of the small freedoms that I had. So, I now just set her up with what she need to make an emergency call and come and go as I need.

You will find the right balance and it will be when you are ready.

Dear Scaredtaker,

I'm so sorry for all your pain. I know its overwhelming caring for elderly parents. There is a lot raw emotions. And we are all trying to do our best. And sometimes for some people in our lives it will never be enough. Please try to be kind and gentle to yourself. And try to get as much help as possible through the community, church or work.

I know as caregivers we often feel trapped. And as more time goes on we feel hopeless. These are natural feelings and emotions. But the same time, please try to find the right balance for you. Thinking of you. Sending you lots of hugs.

Scaredtaker - I want to apologize to you as I think my answer has been harsh.

You are in a tough spot and this forum is a place where we all vent.

I am angry FOR you. Because you are doing amazing work, rather super human work, and getting no consideration for the fact that you are only human (from your parents or your siblings).

My father and my in-laws behave as your parents do. My stepmom could not even leave the house for a 2 hour break without him throwing a major hissy fit. I came up one weekend a month to give her a break - it was not nearly enough, but it was what I could do (live several hours away, full time job and a child). It made a great deal of difference to my stepmom. But my dad did everything he could to make it awful for me and for her so she would not take a weekend break.

This is what makes me angry - parents that don't cooperate so their caregiver can recharge - in your case your parents won't consider inhouse help and your dad just takes off when he wants. No consideration for you and what exhaustion you are experiencing.

And your siblings. they might not be able to take on a full load - but what f they could give you even a single afternoon? what if you had four hours to do anything you wanted? It is not much but it might be something.

So I apologize for not being sympathetic in my response, I was getting angry on your behalf. I know fully that once you are in full caregiving mode - it is hard to make changes. you haven't the time or energy to research and line something up. Those you care for sabotage efforts.

I am thinking about you and hope to hear eventually that XXX is changing and making things better.

Please come back.

"Give up the notion that you are SuperDaughter and the only one who has compassion and can care for your mother. "

I am not trying to be suerdaughter. I am not thinking I am the only one who can care for her. In fact I have said the exact opposite in stating I NEED IN HOME HELP! I never once felt no one else could give her compassion. I don't understand the implication to this - something I did not intend to infer or state.

It is wrong of my parents. YES. And my sister has been behind the scenes with my dad in maligning me through vicious calls and emails about my character. I am not expecting ANYONE to be forced into slavery and NO I DON'T want to EITHER! I don't mind heling - but the needs are increasing and the IN HOME help that was set up is not being followed through w by my DAD. My mother has dementia and w the recent stroke, I cannot expect normal behavior from her. The ability to rationalize is compromised. I am here because of HER and for her for the most part. My dad and sister are the ones who have been creating nonsense. All I wanted was HELP. My mom is on borrowed time. I am sorry I ever asked.

KIMBER - I was NOT forcing ANYONE INTO SLAVERY! They said to say if I needed help and I DID! Then I got thrown under the bus by my unwell sister and attacked. THANKS

I am not blaming my siblings for not helping. They said to ask when I did, and I have.

Go easy on me please. I am not perfect nor did I deserve the rage and hatred of my sister saying she is going on a smear campaign to alienate me from the rest of my family. I did not deserve to be hen pecked by her in hammering away at me when I said please stop I can't take it right now. I had flu and stomach virus on top of it. Nobody deserves to be brutalized and told I have no one to love me and no place to go. I am not wrong in being hurt by this and I am not trying to BLAME anyone for anything. I wanted help. I HAVE verbalized it to my family as per their request. My father IS WRONG to cancel the help as is my mother. YES.

Let me explain that the family scapegoat (me) is doing the best she can with the progress I HAVE MADE. I do not deserve to be slandered and further abused by my sister who has borderline personality disorder.

I am emotionally beaten down and I AM TRYING to get out of it! My god I hope nobody is ever in this position to have to be taken down and beat up on all their life by such a family and then stay strong and have to vent like I have. I am sorry I brought this here.

Yes we make choices. And the actions or inactions of others have really damaged me. I dont want to take it anymore. My one sister NEVER wanted my parents in a nursing home and was insistent and glad I was doing this so she did not have to! This new crap about them going in is a recent psychotic behind the scene ploy to get rid of me. She has hated me all her life. No one can understand unless they have been a scapegoat and abused by someone as unwell as she.

I am sorry I brought this to the forum. I was in crisis. Some of the responses here have been helpful - others have been really harsh.

I regret bringing it up. I am sorry!

I guess I learned to NOT reach out. If those who were so rough on me would read the reply I stated that I was looking to improve and get out of this nightmare in a safe way. I have a right to protect myself in the process. I cant just jump and run. That means homelessness! Any takers?

I am glad some of you are in a place where you don't have to make this decision or that you are able to do so with support. Thats great. I want that too. I dont need to be told how wrong I am in going through a crisis.

I HAVE been in therapy. I have been going to ACOA and I have mentioned what positive things I have garnered. PLEASE read through those details.

I AM trying. My god, I am still upright and trying to stabilize my life so I can find a solution!

I will never agree that my unwell sister had a right to abuse me and smear campaign me simply because she decided to take over without letting me know this! She is rarely here! I am here EVERY DAY! I am the caretaker.

I agree, my mom is wrong to expect me to do it all and remove the help. We established this! Apparently this is a common issue in elderly! Sheesh! I am not alone in that experience as per forums and support groups.

I don't need to be hurt more in cold, hard core replies. I expect it is due to different personalities and maybe my flaws and weakness trigger a harsh response by some. BUt that is not okay to do.

I will definitely not bring this here again. I do apologize. It is hard to trust anyone at this point. I will keep it to myself. I am really not feeling very good after reading some of this.

I have a different viewpoint - your parents are greatly at fault. They won't allow help in home or live somewhere else where there are better facilities to help them - they expect you to be their slave. And you are doing it. I don't think the solution is to force your siblings into slavery, but to tell mom and dad - enough!!! You need help. I can do X, Y, Z and no more, now how are you/we going to see that you get the help you need.

Good luck - but blaming your siblings is not going to change anything.

I have sooooo very much compassion for you! I am in a very similar situation, only worse, because I myself have serious health problems, but yet, I have to care of my mom, the house, a sick cat AND my sick self, all while walking in painful feet and painful back, and many other health problems. I'm on disability and make hardly anything so I have no choice but to live in my moms house. It's a catch 22. All the while my brother and sister live their merry lives and can do what they want and don't have to deal with guilt and fear. There's no way out except , I think, for them to pass. Unless you are in this position, you will not understand! Counseling only helped me with one thing: to learn to say no to some things. But overall it's torture because you deal guilty if you don't go above and beyond ! I'll keep you in my prayers! God bless you and I wish to you good fortune for your sacrifices.

Yours sounds like a complicated situation. On one hand you have your mother who probably should never have extracted that promise from you. As one person already mentioned at the time of that promise you did not know what the future held. 52 is pretty young still. How old is your Mom? Think about how many more years you may still have to be enduring this.

I was never on the same page as my siblings either. I had been looking out for my Mom for a long time before they ever realized there was a problem. They learned to just keep looking the other way even when it was apparent that I needed some support. The die had already been cast at that point.

Do what your gut is telling you to do. If your Mom truly loves you she would not expect you to sacrifice your own life for hers. If your siblings truly feel like your Mom should be in nursing care they will never step up to the plate to help you. Even if they should help, sounds like they have already justified their inaction in their own minds.

It always seems more complicated when the caregiver moves in with the elders. You are 52...did you give up a job? Are you getting paid for the 24/7 caregiving? What is your financial future? (I'm wondering how difficult it would be for you to extricate yourself from this situation.)

Although you promised your mother you would never put her in a facility, did you expect that she would refuse outside help? Refuse to use a walker for her own safety? Refuse to do PT? Did your mother really expect for you to become a Daughter-Slave? Why are her needs more important than yours? Did she expect you to compromise your own health?

Maybe it should be the majority rule. Since 2 of the 3 siblings think your mother should be in a facility, maybe that's what should happen. 

Your family feels that the best care for your mother would be in a care facility geared to her needs. From what you've said, they are probably right.

You made a promise that seemed right at the time. Your family did not make that promise. Why do you expect them to live up to your promise? Especially if they don't think that what you promised turned out to be the best for Mom?

If your dad is truly a narcissist you cannot expect him to change. What you see is what you'll get, now and forever. His concern will never be for you or even for your mother. Dad's concern is Dad.

So you are really in this alone. That is not fair -- not to you and not to your mother. Give up the notion that you are SuperDaughter and the only one who has compassion and can care for your mother.

If doing the sensible thing is too hard to face, perhaps some counseling will help you over the barrier.

And, btw, you really don't know how Mom will do in a care facility. She might just blossom on her own without a narcissist to cope with daily and without an exhausted, fearful, and guilt-ridden daughter trying to cope with the entire situation. She might enjoy activities and live entertainment and eating with others her age. She might surprise you a lot.

I think that parents who know they can't see into the future don't extract promises from their children that might be based on false assumptions.

I guess you think that your promise means that if you ruin your health and die in the course of caring for your mom, then you've fufulilled your promise. Then you've martyed yourself and mom ends up in a facility anyway.

Look, you make your choices, as do your siblings. They are chosing a sane way of getting your parents the 24/7 care your folks need. Your parents, in rejecting in-home care, are forcing you to destroy your life, health and future.

In my opinion, youre angry at the wrong folks. Getting counseling might help.