My mom had a stroke 2 yrs. ago when she was living in our home. It paralyzed her right side and she is unable to use her arm or leg even after therapy. She says she wants to come home, which makes me feel even worse knowing that she needs care that I can't give her. She is mentally alert and aware of what is going on. We have transportation to bring her home a couple hrs. once a month, but it does not make me feel better when she goes back. She is wheel chair bound and have to depend on public transportation for a little time at home. What can I do to accept this? She lived with us for 7 yrs. and my husband and I promised to take care of her.
First of all, I want to tell you that I highly commend you for being there for your mother and loving her as much as you do! Unfortunately, there are many mother's and father's and grandparent's out there who don't have someone like you! There are many elderly individuals who have family that don't care what happens to them. You are a wonderful daughter with much empathy, who has given your life, your time, and your heart,
as well as making sacrifices for your mom. It is people like you that truly “make a difference” in this world, even if for one person. Your precious mom. She is blessed to have you. :)
The best thing you can do for her in this difficult transition is take care of yourself mentally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Mother's have a way of knowing when we are upset, sad, and/or stressed. When you are confident and happy, she will also feel more relaxed with the situation. Even if she doesn't tell you that she knows you are doing what is best for her right now, you have to know that in her heart she truly appreciates and loves you!
Maybe, at some point, you can bring her back home and hire a full-time caregiver who can assist her and even teach you how to do the things you are unfamiliar with. If that is not an option, I suggest continuing to visit her as often as possible, and make the time that you are there an enjoyable time for both of you. You are doing a great job, kaf1954!
Also, I wonder, in response to that other post, has anyone ever taken their parent out of the nursing home and returned them to live in the child's home? Does that ever work out??? Sounds like a disaster to me!
I was born in 1953 and I think we were raised in a similar way, that is with very good values but a lot of I SHOULD do this, I SHOULD not think that, etc... Guilt, then, was not necessarely a consequence of what we did wrong, but what we think we should have done, based on an ideal way up there that only matched PERFECTION. It may be a good incentive to do well, but it also weighs us all down. Somewhere inside you, you believe you SHOULD care for your mother at home. Somewhere inside her, she believes you SHOULD take care of her. However, you BOTH know your limits and you can both accept it. Your mother must love you a lot for you love to her so much. Therefore, she does not really want you to sacrifice your life for something you know is beyond your abilities. She is AFRAID. You are AFRAID.
Visit her often, care about what she is going through, bring her a joyful daughter, not a guilty one with red eyes and with heavy shoulders. Be kind for yourself, respect your life and she will have some sunshine when she sees you.
I, too, have heard my mom say "I want to go home.". My heart breaks every time. I believe this inner struggle will continue as our hearts and our brains disagree a lot.
I also agree with the advice given here about putting lists together to prove to yourself that her living IN your house just isn't feasible any longer. Let your brain prove to your heart that this is the best scenario for your mom.
Then go buy something delightful for Mom, give it to her along with your love, smiles and positive energy.
And, know you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your story. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I feel a little more normal now reading your story. Except for the husband, it's practically my life exact story for the last 8 years.
The stress from holding down a full time job, keeping up on her laundry and finances and visiting her EVERY day, caused me to have a SAH stroke. I was one lucky girl. Don't let that be part of your story.
Take care.