Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My mom has severe arthritis, and doesn't go hardly at all. Both my parents are in their eighties. I feel guilty if I let either one down. Mom tells me to go, as she is crying. Advice?
I agree that you will likely feel sad, but there's no need for guilt. If you bring back something special for your mom, that may help both of you. Take care, Carol
This is where some advice from my college Chinese roommate might come in handy. They celebrate their birthdays by sending flowers and thank you cards to their moms in recognition of the risks they took to have a baby and the sacrifices they made to raise them. Go on your birthday treat, but acknowledge to your mom that without her you wouldn't be here. They said that they did not personally celebrate their birthdays until after their mothers had passed on because they would be celebrating putting their mother's lives at risk to have them. I can't go that far, but I do try to specially acknowledge my mom on my birthday, seemed like a nice idea...
Okay, you can feel sad, but no guilty. Guilt is a worthless emotion, unless you are doing something with malice, which does not appear to be the case here. have you looked into technology that will improve mom's mobility? Scooter, etc.? Is your mom depressed? has she been evaluated for that? On meds? Sorry if I ask rapid fire questions, but I've found that with caregiving, even long distance like I'm doing, you get so close to the problem that you can't see the forest for the trees. Post back! Happy Birthday!
Narnia, your mother is crying because she is sad that she cannot go with you to celebrate your birthday, not because she resents your going out with your father and leaving her behind. She wants you to enjoy yourself, she wants him to enjoy himself - what's sad is that she can't join in.
Having cleared that up, this is what you can do if you choose. The model daughter, Little Ms Perfect as we might call her, would lay a celebratory table, light candles, order in a cake and everyone's favourite dishes, and have the party at her parents' home where they can both enjoy joining in. And don't make it too long drawn-out, or your mother will run out of steam.
But if you would prefer to go out instead, feel free. That is not the part that upsets your mother.
Here is the deal on caregiver guilt: it is not optional. It is there whether we earn it or not. If you go out with Dad, you'll feel guilty that Mom is at home. If you stay home with Mom, you'll feel guilty of depriving Dad of a tradition he likes. Hasn't he lost enough with his wife chronically ill.
So you can't win. Guilt is there. The best we can do is shove way back into a dark corner of our minds and get on with making the best decision that we can.
And if I were your mom, I'd feel terrible that my adult child was celebrating her birthday without me, and I'd feel terrible if my dear husband missed out on a nice treat because of me. Either way I'd cry. Debilitating diseases are sad. There is no way around that.
So you'll feel a little guilty way in the back of your brain, and Mom will feel sad. Life goes on. Do your best.
I agree with other answers. Another thing you might do, is even share the birthday and outing with her by bringing flowers and even a spring or birthday celebration card for her to sign on your your birthday, and tell her how grateful you are to have had two great parents who have supported you so well and brought you up healthy. Leave her the name of the restaurant, and a promise to bring her back an extra piece of cake. And if she cries, which she may well NOT do, if she is affirmed for who she is, and the tone is upbeat, still, hug her with good cheer, say you are glad you and your dad are going to celebrate, and you will also be glad to tell her about it, and celebrate with her again soon, in a way that she can handle! And also from us here: Happy Birthday!
Don't feel bad, take your Dad to lunch, bring Mom back something she likes and then spend some time with both and discuss some old time memories. You and she will feel better.
Why not pick up something at the restaurant and bring it home? Or at least bring her back a dessert to enjoy, and then everyone in your party could stay a bit and tell her about your meal if you choose to go eat out.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Take care,
Carol
Having cleared that up, this is what you can do if you choose. The model daughter, Little Ms Perfect as we might call her, would lay a celebratory table, light candles, order in a cake and everyone's favourite dishes, and have the party at her parents' home where they can both enjoy joining in. And don't make it too long drawn-out, or your mother will run out of steam.
But if you would prefer to go out instead, feel free. That is not the part that upsets your mother.
So you can't win. Guilt is there. The best we can do is shove way back into a dark corner of our minds and get on with making the best decision that we can.
And if I were your mom, I'd feel terrible that my adult child was celebrating her birthday without me, and I'd feel terrible if my dear husband missed out on a nice treat because of me. Either way I'd cry. Debilitating diseases are sad. There is no way around that.
So you'll feel a little guilty way in the back of your brain, and Mom will feel sad. Life goes on. Do your best.
See All Answers