My 86 y.o. mom has health issues and vascular dementia. We tried to let her stay in her apt. but she kept firing caregivers. We brought her to live with us and while my husband and I loved having her and she seemed to do well, every day (except one) for 2 months she asked to go home. When she started getting very agitated and threatening to do something drastic if she didn't go home, I took her home with nurses, case managers and caregivers all set up. This lasted less than a week. She called to fire the caregivers every day and also became agitated. I flew out and brought her to our home and then we put her in a nursing home 2 days later. She was not cooperative about this and was so upset they didn't let me visit for a week. Then everything was going well, she ate in dining hall with others, she wasn't mad at me anymore. Now after 2 months she is not eating, is down to 79# from 90# and may need tobe hospitalized because of dehydration. She cries that she misses me and now wants to live with us. My husband feels she should be in the nursing home and though I visit daily, sometimes twice a day, I feel incredibly guilty and am considering taking a leave of absence from ny job so I can take care of her at home. What should I do?
Thank you so much for your words of comfort and encouragement. Yes I am dealing with those emotions, frustration and anger toward my siblings for their lack of support and understanding. But like you say I am considering myself an only child focusing on Mom. If they want me back in their life they will need to give me a sincere apology and make some kind of ammends for the damage they have done with their false accusations and defamation of character.
My mother would love to go home also, but she is not mobile enough nor is her home situation safe enough. Her dementia is so bad that she has thought for over a year now that she has only in the nursing home for 2 months. However, she has been there 2 1/2 years. I feel sorry for her, but I don't feel any guilt for putting her there following her hip surgery which she did not regain mobility from because she gave up and would not work with PT.
Guilt is deserved when morals and or laws are broken. You have done neither and your mother's care was definitely going beyond you. It sounds to me that you need to set some boundaries so that you can love with detachment. If your emotional life depends on how hers is doing, then you definitely need to detach and might need a therapist to help you. There is a very good book that I recommend to many on this site Emotional Blackmail When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward. I wish you well.