My 86 y.o. mom has health issues and vascular dementia. We tried to let her stay in her apt. but she kept firing caregivers. We brought her to live with us and while my husband and I loved having her and she seemed to do well, every day (except one) for 2 months she asked to go home. When she started getting very agitated and threatening to do something drastic if she didn't go home, I took her home with nurses, case managers and caregivers all set up. This lasted less than a week. She called to fire the caregivers every day and also became agitated. I flew out and brought her to our home and then we put her in a nursing home 2 days later. She was not cooperative about this and was so upset they didn't let me visit for a week. Then everything was going well, she ate in dining hall with others, she wasn't mad at me anymore. Now after 2 months she is not eating, is down to 79# from 90# and may need tobe hospitalized because of dehydration. She cries that she misses me and now wants to live with us. My husband feels she should be in the nursing home and though I visit daily, sometimes twice a day, I feel incredibly guilty and am considering taking a leave of absence from ny job so I can take care of her at home. What should I do?
She rants on and on how much she hates it. But when I pressed her about 'why' she hates it, I found out what she really wanted was a time machine. She wants to go back to when she was happy, with her husband and boys, and when life was 'good'. Her old home represents the memories of that happy time, that's why she 'hates' the place she's in. I told her I wished there was a time machine, that would be wonderful.
She has been in the nursing home for 1 year and it has been a struggle to contend with her crying and beggin to come back or go live with my sister or brother . Her hallucinations got so bad and her cryling, that they called in a psyciatrist. He prescribed a daily patch and changed her antidepressant and she is much better. I only go once a week to visit. That is all I can take. The staff tells me she takes part in the activites and seems to be doing OK.
Maybe you should cut back on your visits and let the staff know that. Hopefully they have activity directors there who know how to interact with the residents and encourage them to be less dependant on you. And yes, she may need some medication. Don't neglect your marriage for your mother. And your own health suffers when pulled in to many directions.
We had our mom in nursing homes the last couple of years after she'd get pneumonia. She'd feel like giving up and then would re-coop.
We took her home, March 2009-Nov 28, 2009, we gave her 24/7 care in her home. We got hospice to come in to check her vitals and they had a volunteer that came in one day for 4 hours to do whatever she needed. There is 10 of us kids, 9 living in state. It was tough but worth it. She passed away Nov 28 at the age of 84.
Talk to her and your husband and find out what is best for all of you. Good luck:+)
Pam
The fact that she did so well and now has slipped makes me wonder about her medications. Maybe an adjustment could be made. Maybe she needs an anti-depressant. If she hadn't done well for awhile, it would be a bit different, but something has changed and a doctor should look into it.
You also have to consider what taking her back home would do to your marriage. Think carefully before going back to where you were before. Get medical advice for her, and perhaps for yourself. There must be a reason for this change.
Also, see if she favors a certain caregiver in the home, or seems afraid of anyone particular, just in case there is a personality issue. Fear doesn't necessarily mean abuse, but a certain personality may remind her of something in the past, so perhaps the home could see if changing her caregivers would help. With her history of firing caregivers, I would be careful to not imply that someone is abusing her (but it happens so you need to be aware).
Please check with the doctor about medications and see if something changed. That could be the key to the whole issue.
Carol