Dad is in rehab after a hospital stay and hating it, wants to go back to AL. Which I totally get. But every single thing that he is unhappy about is my fault, in his mind, which is failing. Every visit is just a litany of complaints and grievances, every phone call is him screaming at me that I've locked him away and I've ruined his life. In his more lucid moments, he calls my out-of-state sister and complains, and then she contacts me with her "concerns." If I say I'm sorry he feels that way, I get screamed at ("you always say sorry but you never do anything!"). If I walk out — and I have — I get a groveling apology for like a minute, and then the bitching and moaning starts again, and if I am not sufficiently attentive then it escalates to yelling. My husband has witnessed this and is supportive, but feels like I need to understand my Dad is paranoid and having cognitive issues. But Dad doesn't yell at HIM. (Or at my sister, with her "is everything okay with Dad?" texts) I leave every visit feeling like I'm bruised and battered.
For your health just accept he is declining and his emotions are wild and his venting is his inability to cope with change.
Not your fault. Your choices are out of love and concern'
Sadly older people with issues never see that and vent.
Just stop contact. then revisit it in 3 months and decide if you want to contact him again
Add emotional abuse to the equation and you can deduct that my mental state was almost to the breaking point and progressing. I stayed the course for 15 years. I raised a teenager in the process, although my daughter's needs always came in second to my parents. If I could change that now as I reflect, I certainly would.
Eventually my mom, who is completely sane and fully aware, drove me to a mental breakdown and I finally walked away from the situation. My sister, who had made it her business to not be available ever, has recently moved closer to my mother. Because I know she is nearer, I have let that be my crutch when I feel guilty or somehow wrong for coming back to my home and going back to work and my own hobbies and projects. I am still adjusting and coping with the bruises, but I am seeing a counselor who helps me maintain my absence from that toxic relationship which continues to be the source of my pain and sorrow.
I often question myself and feel guilt. I have kept my distance for 11 months now and spent Thanksgiving away from my family for the first time in years. I plan to do the same at Christmas.
This holiday has been the most stress-free, comfortable, and non-toxic since my mother was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. Today I feel better. There is a healing that is taking place and it feels way better than feeling abused and beat up day after day and month after month. I can live with this.
Stop taking all of his calls. Let them go to voicemail. Only call back if you want to. If the complaining and berating starts up tell him plainly that you will not tolerate being spoken to in such a way and hang up on him.
When your out-of-state sister starts voicing her "concerns" tell her to speak with the rehab facility, not you. Go fill out papers at the rehab giving them permission to speak with her instead. Then you can call her with your "concerns" and leave the explaining up to her.
Take a step back. Your father is where he needs to be. Tolerating his berating abuse and asinine nonsense is not going to help anyone, least of all him.
Take a step back and start limiting your contact with him and your sister.
Your father's rants are made to you because you are the one in control now and he is feeling scared and abandoned. I'm NOT saying he is neglected or that you're not doing a great job. I'm just trying to make you see how vulnerable he is feeling.
When he complains, just say things that make him feel like you hear his distress.
"Dad, I know you want to get out of there and I want you too also. So please make sure to do your physical therapy so I can bust you out of there soon!" "Don't worry, you'll be back in your AL home very soon, I promise!" Words of encouragement and hope will calm him and make him feel heard and may even motivate him.
I don't agree with those who say ignore him, put your foot down, etc. because those tactics would annoy and agitate anyone. Please realize that your sister really isn't get the full picture when both of you are screaming and complaining. Finally, keep in mind that our parents and siblings always trigger the worst responses in us - we'd do much better if we treated them as someone else relatives lol That's my 2 cents.
No one has to tolerate and live in abuse regardless of who the abuser is or why they're abusing.
The fact that the poster's father is able to keep his abusive behavior in check with other people including her husband and sister, means that he still possesses enough cognitive faculties to know better.
I totally get where DoingMyBest73 is coming from being made the family scapegoat. My mother made me this from the time I was a little kid.
Not anymore because I refuse to be an easy target for her.
At the first sign of complaining, I'd walk away and ignore her. At the first sign of instigating a fight (this was often), walk away and ignore. If I've make plans to do something or go somewhere I want, I do not tell her until I'm on my way out. I don't give her time to ruin it for me or fabricate a health crisis requiring an ER trip so I'll miss out.
My mother lives in a safe, clean house, wears clean clothes, gets good food, and is taken care of. I provide this.
What I do not provide is a whipping post for her to abuse. Nor will I be her companion.
Our relationship has inproved somewhat but it was hard going for a while. I had to do things like take her plate right off the table mid-meal and throw it in the garbage if she was using the meal as a reason to complain or instigate a fight. I had to go farther than Gray Rocking with her. She learned what complaining, fight instigating, and verbal abuse would get her. Literally nothing. No attention, no prepared meals, no assistance of any kind for days at a time. Self-preservation taught her to keep her abusive behavior in check with me because there's no else to do for her.
DoingMyBest73's father needs to experience some tough love from her. She needs to hang up on a call when the abuse starts. Then not take a call from him for several days. She should tell him off the second he starts and then ignore him. She could also have her husband have a word with him too. He will respond to this because he's a man and it's easier to abuse women or kids.
Many times elders have a lot more mental cognition than we give them credit for. Many times an elder will keep their abusive and even violent behaviors in check when someone is not a safe target for abuse. Or if they experience doing without when their caregiver ignores them.
Your sister sounds like the typical uninvolved sibling. If she really cared about her father (or you) again just like your husband she should be offering real help instead of just shirking responsibility and laying blame all on one person. It's so easy for others to be backseat drivers in these situations, yet when the rubber hits the road all of their sanctimonious squawking adds up to no real action. Would she step in if you just took a break for a month? My guess would be no, because talk is easy, action is much harder. If at all possible, I would try to sit down or at least chat with both of them and explain that they aren't doing enough. It's easier said than done for sure, but if it's at all possible for you to let them know that you can't go on with the entire world on your shoulders, then I would suggest doing that. If they won't talk to you or they won't be reasonable, then it might be time to wash your hands of this situation for a while. You can still call and check on your father's condition, because no one wants to be totally uninvolved with a loved one's care, but that should be it. Don't answer his calls, don't respond to calls or texts from your sister, and don't let your husband foist any guilt onto you. Just announce that you're taking a break, because you damn well deserve one. If you can, it might be best to actually take a trip or even a long drive without your husband. Let them all miss you for a while. The saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone" stands true, and when you come back onto the scene they'll have a better appreciation for you.
Again, all of this is easier said than done, and I understand that because I'm stuck in a kind of similar situation. I just hope that this helps at least a little and that you can take the break and time for yourself that you deserve. No one needs to feel like a punching bag, no one needs to carry the weight of the world alone, and you are absolutely doing your best. God bless.
You are strong. You are doing your best. Other family members need to step in and experience your Dad's condition or they will not understand. Please think of yourself during all of this and always remember that you are not to blame for any of it. You are truly doing your best.
do not allow anyone to treat you like this. Tell your sister to come down and handle it if she is not happy with the status quo.
they both need you more than you need them, remember that, you have more power than you think.
best thing to tell your dad is it’s not your fault it’s the doctors and they are keeping you in. Lie, it’s the best form of self preservation.
Yes, at 91, she's miserable and cranky. Never says ANYTHING nice or kind to me.
BUT, this isn't 'new'..this has been how she'd been for 46 years to me.
I walked out her door 2 years and have not looked back. DH is mad at me every time he guiltily goes to see her. "If you'd just come with me, it'd be easier". Yeah, it would b/c she would spend the entire hour reminding me how much I have disappointed her and ruined DH's life. He has NEVER stood up for me.
Enough was enough. My last 'conversation' with her had her asking me when my cancer was going to come back. (I was still pretty bald at the time). Really? I said I was sorry for HER that I didn't die, and then walked out, telling her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her--I would never see her again.
And I haven't.
As for your husband he has been bullied since he was a kid. My husb wouldn't stand up to his mom for me. Neither would his 3 brothers. Their wives are also bullied. I stopped going to family gatherings bc of that. Haven't been t
Unfortunately the only one who is going to change the dynamics is you. They enjoy using you as a verbal punching bag. They dont have to change. You allow it. You are going to have to stand up for yourself better. That is the only way it will change. I think you are around 2 narcissists/bullies and have been your whole life.
You have to stop the abuse. Stop feeling guilty bc you are standing up for yourself. You will get less abuse if you do, but it will get worse before it gets better, bc they have been allowed to abuse you, and arent going to like the new you. They don't feel bad after dumping on you. Punching bag days are over. Keep repeating that in your head. As much as you need to.
I would do 1 visit. If your dad starts in on you, I would say I'm done putting up with this blame and abuse. Walk out immediately. Stop giving them free room in your head. Only YOU can do that. Keep telling yourself that is what normal people do in reality. They don't take abuse. If a stranger were yelling at you, would you take that? No you wouldn't. So why take it from your family? Oh that's different. No it isnt.
Your dad is being taken care of. He doesn't need you there. That is what staff is for. He will be ok when you walk out. You need less contact. If you want to know, call the nurse's desk. Tell them you can't take the abuse. They can call you when he has been moved back. You need to walk out every time he does that.
I would also call his doc and say you think he I'd depressed bc of the constant abuse/complaining. That is the way depression comes out in folks too. Doc can change his meds.
As for your sister she can go there herself. If she wants info she can call the nurses. She is an adult and can get the info from him. He obviously has a phone to call you. She can call him.
Block her, or if you don't have the guts to do that yet, screen calls and don't return them. She'll figure it out. A normal adult would block her texts if she got abusive. That is what healthy normal people do. Do you think Dr Phil takes abuse from his guests on the show? No he says we're done here. That's how healthy normal people react. You need to learn that. It will take time. You didn't know healthy. Now you will.
I think the dynamics have always been bad. You are the scapegoat in the family. You need to break the cycle. Narcs won't. They like abusing. They have trained you to feel guilty. Do you think the staff tolerates that? No they don't. That is the normal reaction.
I had the same. For awhile you will feel tremendous guilt. Remember you have been programmed to not stand up to that. You are going to tell yourself, this is what normal healthy people do. Not take abuse. Every time you feel guilty tell yourself I'm not going to do that. It is abnormal. And say I'm doing normal now. I have even said that to myself and my family. I even told them Im no longer doing crazy. They even teased me about that. But I still walked away. They knew they have sick dynamics. I did not respond. It is ABUSE. It is always ABUSE. It did get better but it took time. Don't be surprised when they both try to gang up on you. It's what narcs do. Then you won't be around. You aren't taking abuse.
Only you can change the dynamics. A fake apology then complaining should get the person hung up on, or you walk. EVERY TIME. NO EXEPTIONS.
Your husband can't fix your messed up family. Only you can change how you react. That's why he doesn't really do much. You need to.
Unfortunatly your family will always be sick. How you react must change. If you are longing for a normal family. its not there, never was. It hurts but it's the truth. I still morn what never was. It did get better but it took time.
Isnt it funny around staff, strangers, friends they can be normal and charming? So they do know how to behave. They can knock it off. You must make them. Good luck.
Life is too short to deal with toxic people, even if they are blood relatives. Hugs to you sweetie for putting up with his BS.
these situations are very difficult.
and it seems soooo many of us, are in these abusive situations.
indeed - i think they see every contact as an opportunity to abuse/lash out/use you as a punching bag.
they might be sweet sometimes...but the abuse ALWAYS comes back. oh boy.
we might be having a great day, and then it's destroyed by LO screaming at us/insulting us/etc.
and --
the truth is, that IT IS damaging. it does indeed destroy you.
there is a reason people study how to destroy someone psychologically -- it's because it works.
grey rock, try not to take it personally, etc... ---- the truth is, abuse DOES destroy you.
you'll realize it even more, when/if you can take a break, get away for a while. you'll see how much more relaxed/happy you are, without being screamed at.
CASE 1:
sometimes, the origin of the nastiness really is the illness.
for example, a sweet parent suddenly becomes mean/nasty with dementia.
CASE 2:
sometimes, it really isn't the illness.
they've been abusive your whole life, and you were always the target (not everyone; YOU were the target).
i do know of case 1 examples...
and it was much easier for family to be understanding of the elderly ill LO.
obviously, there are many examples of case 2.
perhaps it helps if one thinks:
IF my father/mother really loved me, what would they want me to do? would they want me to stick around and get abused/traumatized/destroyed?
it's really not easy.
my solution has been to really cut down on contact.
i really love my LOs.
i love myself too. and i must protect myself.
save yourself.
only we know all the facts of our particular situation...
...and if we feel guilty for a certain decision...i do think we should listen to that...guilty feelings are a warning to ourselves...and no matter what people say ("you're doing the right thing"), YOU'RE the one who has to live with the guilty feelings/decisions...(normally it's a guilty feeling of not having done enough/the right thing for our LOs).
...at the same time, we must also be accountable to ourselves. am i being guilty towards myself? not doing enough for me, not doing the right thing for me? in a sense, many of us are much more willing to care for others in need, than for ourselves in need. and sometimes, it's even easier to solve other people's problems/health, than to solve our own problems/health.
we must have empathy for ourselves.
i send lots of hugs to all of us, in our difficult situations.
i would say:
be careful --- take care of your life.
it's not just that being screamed at/insulted is damaging...
it's that it takes your time/energy/steals opportunities...
there are all sorts of wonderful experiences/encounters/events/meeting people/getting inspired/life/opportunities, you can miss out on, because you're busy being screamed at, and then it takes weeks/months to recover from the screaming, during which time you're busy reading self-help books/comments, also missing out on nice opportunities in life.
in other words, the damage is greater than what we realize, i think.
as some people posted, ideally ederly LOs created a situation/made decisions, so that adult children are not put into a position where they have to make difficult decisions, and feel guilt/etc.
but almost all of us on this website, are in situations, where the LOs left it all to the adult children. so now the adult children have to make the difficult decisions.
somehow, one has to find a good balance.
how much do i help my LOs?
how much do i help myself?
loving parents want you to be happy and successful.
and if your parents aren't loving...well, if they would be loving, that's what they would want for you.
it's also extremely sexist, because 99.999999% of us are WOMEN, caring for others.
say NO.
don't let this sexist thing continue.
i don't mean don't help at all.
i mean, we women have a right to have a life too!!!!!
not just all these men going out and having a full life!!!!!!
When my brother (78) was discharged from the hospital after a major surgery, they wanted him to go to rehab and we simply said no and had an aide at home. You have a lot more power than you might think.
If he does need to be in rehab, maybe he is in the wrong place. In our area the rehabs run by Catholic Charities (and I am Jewish) are by far the best. You might want to speak with a hospice chaplain to get his/her opinion about available facilities.
Have you told your sister, “No, everything is not okay. Dad is paranoid & choosing me as his verbal punching bag. I expect your support.”
You can try telling dad he’s got 20 minutes to complain and set a timer so when the alarm goes off, you say times up. If he slows down, tell him he still has a few minutes left. If he doesn’t stop after the alarm goes off, you leave.
Try for 30 days. If it works, you have a quantified time you gift dad to put his frustration & you might have some time to actually visit. You might get to a point where you ask if he wants his visit time or unhappy time first. Then you can test slowly dropping the whine time.
If the behavior modification doesn’t work, you can still set the alarm & when it goes off, tell dad his time is up and leave.
The point is, you are managing the situation.
That said, paranoia needs evaluation. My psychiatrist dad once treated a paranoid patient whose doctor prescribed a sleeping pill regiment that created a not awake-not asleep twilight that created hallucinations. The hallucinations created paranoia. What’s the root cause of the paranoia? Is it being treated? Is the treatment the best solution and is it properly titrated (dosed)?
Everyone not taking on the responsibilities you have are critics. Let them take a turn.
Both of my parents despised rehab but it was necessary. My mother and I had a poor relationship until I took some advice and let her have a chance to miss me. Now she is a completely different person. I used to leave her apartment angry and in tears.
We have to teach people how to treat us.
Dad is living in He'll.
Regsb/Nursing Homes are an Awful place to be in.
They are all understaffed and you can lay in your own urine and feeces for up to 45 minutes or longer.
The one in Misdouri City TX that my sister was suppose to be a 3 rating because all the rest of them I check were rated a 2 and it looks OK from the outside but the only two good things I can say about it is, the place doesn't smell like urine and you can visit anytime between 9AM and 6 PM.
Your things disappear at Nursing Homes so don't bring anything of value.
Juse overnight my sisters blanket was gone and I was told it was in laundry and I asked about it several times all week and it's been 3 weeks and no one knows where it is. Other things also disappear but I read about that on line regarding all of the Nursing Homes.
My Sister was in there 2 weeks before she got a Shower.
My sister calls me up crying wanting out and I'm trying to line up her next operation so she can get it, recover and get out of there.
Someone needs to visit every day to let the people there know that your loved one is being checked on.
Beleven me, your Dad needs to get out as fast as he can.
TRyan to be patient with him and let him know you're trying to get him out.
Be careful about them telling you he's agitated or depressed and want to give him meds to help as the only person he helps are the Aides and Nurses as far as your Dad goes, the meds just tun him in to a zombieike
I want you to understand when you loose the ability to work, drive, pretty much live there is much anger that goes with that. Now I want you to remember you will be old or disabled one day, ARE ALL THE CHOICES you are making for your father conveniently for YOU or for him. If you answer honestly, you will understand why he is upset. Seriously I lived in a nursing home, when people become an inconvenience the choices you make about them are not the same as if they were 40
It's not ok to stay in a toxic relationship, have your sister or another family member take over sounds like it's their turn.
Fyi ........sorry he feels that way... is passive aggressive minimizing what the other person feels or experience etc....psychcentral.com 2019/01
Maybe get some help, best wishes
This is a different situation. If Dad is in rehab it is because he NEEDS to be there. AL won't accept him back until rehab signs off so no amount of b****ing and blaming his daughter is going to change the situation.
He is in rehab, away from his "home" and in a place he is not real familiar with.
He is taking it out on his "safe person" he can vent to you because he knows you are there for him.
When your sister calls either ignore the call or listen to her and don't say anything. If it gets to be more than you can take say, "oops, sis I have a pot of water that is about to boil over I gotta go" and HANG up. If she calls back let it go to voicemail.
She is distant and I am sure upset at 1) the fact dad is in rehab 2) that dad has dementia 3) that she is not there to see him.
When dad starts in on you just say "dad, I have an appointment" and leave. Give him a hug and walk out. No further conversation.
It is possible that medication for anxiety might help.
Might also be a time to consider moving dad from Assisted Living to Memory Care.
I would tell him and your sister that it's up to the doctor, not you and not him, whether he gets to go back to AL.
This is out of your control; please tell them so and walk away or hang up if they become vitriolic or abusive.
And yes, read Townsend and Cloud's wonderful book on Boundaries!