I’m 21 years old and I haven’t lost anyone in my immediate family yet so this is new to me. My grandpa who was extremely active and outgoing was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and cancer 5-6 years ago and his health has declined very rapidly. My grandparents live with my parents and so do me and my siblings. He went from a walking stick to a walker to now completely immobile within the last few years and his speech has been immensely impacted as well so has his vision. The grandpa I once knew is no longer there and it has been very hard to face that. As his condition is getting worse I know I need to spend time with him or I’ll regret that forever but it kills me to see him in this way. My grandma who is his caregiver and does everything for him has grown to resent him and seeing her talk to him in such a cruel way infuriates me but I also see her pain and cannot blame her. She’s quite old herself too and she’s doing all she can. That still doesn’t mean I can sit there and see all that. I am a full time university student and work around 20 hours which means I have limited time at home to begin with but I know his condition is getting worse and it’s clear that he is in the last few stages of his life. I really want to spend time with him but it emotionally takes a toll on me whenever I see him in this condition. Because just a few years ago he was up and running and it kills me to see how he has become. I have never dealt with death of someone I spent that much time with before and this is the first time so I don’t know how to deal. I feel guilty for not spending time with him but it’s heartbreaking to see him like that. I feel selfish and horrible. I don’t know what to do.
I would ask your parents to get grandma some help, even if she says she doesn't want or need it. Her behavior shows she does.
Taking care of another human being is hard. It is more than one person can handle and grandma is slipping her knot and being abusive. Time for their child to intervene.
Please speak with your parents about getting her some help and getting grandpa some meds to help him be more emotionally stable.
Losing our elder loved ones is part of life but, it is really hard to experience, especially the 1st time.
Love him the best way you can, he probably understands more then he can tell you.
Losing someone you love dearly is never easy. Sometimes, we lose loved ones unexpectedly, leaving no opportunity to spend time with them to do all of the things we wish we had did, if we knew they would be gone.
As difficult as it is for you to see your grandfather in his current state, you have the opportunity to just hold his hands, be with him, and talk with him before it's too late. Make him laugh, share stories with him that reminds him how special you are and how much you love him as your grandfather. Your love for him is strong and of course you do not wish to see him suffering, but you will certainly regret not spending time with him at this time. Showing your grandmother your love for him might also help her understand that his conditions were not his choice.
Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to be by his side or not for the remainder of his life . But no matter what you decide to do, your decision will always be the right one, as it is yours and only yours to make.
Be strong.
My cousins was not much older than this young lady as they watched their father fight and suffer for 5 yrs with bladder cancer, in and out of hospitals monthly. Lots of pain. This was their first experience with the death side of life. They were there. Yes, they went about their life job school but they were there. They held their father's hand as he took his last breath and their mother was holding him in her arms. What's cool she got a tattoo on her side where he was laying as he past. A flower that represented him.
Im proud of this young lady for reaching out for guidance. It's very scary to ask to help. She is not running or hiding her emotions and she knows she is having trouble. I certainly hope she finds something that gives her strength and peace.
Imagine how hard it must be for him to know how much he's declined and that his own family can't bear to be around and resents him. The best thing you can do is show him that you love him no matter what state he's in.
(Ok, the question what should you do?
Put on your big girl panties, pull yourself by your boot straps and get in there!)
you grandma is old and tired and as hard as it is for you to see grandpa she is seeing the same thing and her pain is worse. This is her husband, her life mate. This is source of her cruel behavior. Help her out! With more help she just might get nicer. What about your parents are they helping? They should be if not and tell them so, loudly. Imagine what your grandfather is thinking. Why doesn’t my grand daughter want to see me?
when hubby had stroke I begged his youngest daughter to visit even offered to pay plane ticket. I thought me and her had good relationship, she had an CNA, worked in nursing home/rehab and ERs. She told me one of the reasons for not visiting was cause she didn’t want to see daddy like that. The words I wanted to tell her is not allow on this forum. I’ll never forget or forgive her for that. It’s been 10 yrs since we seen her all because the stroke that destroyed her father was too hard on her. Completely selfish and cruel.
I understand that this is the hard stuff of life, but it's time to cowgirl up and spend the time with your grandpa that you may later regret not spending with him. I recall that when I lost the first of my beloved grandparents, it was my granddad, dying of cancer; I had a very hard time facing his mortality. And I was a nurse and an aid before that, still had a hard time of it.
One thing that may help you is to talk to your parent(s) about the behaviors of your grandmother - whose brain is also 'broken' from the ravages of aging and dementia. It may be that their POA needs to step in and get her some help or even see that it's time to have them both placed in an elder care facility. She is suffering and none of us come into any difficult stage of life with the full set of tools required to pass through these life stages with complete grace.
Maybe you can make some family inquiries and facilitate some positive changes for both of your grandparents.
Regardless, spend the time with your grandpa that you are able to and tell him all of the ways that you love and honor him. Do not be afraid of speaking with him about his mortality; he's staring it in the face every day. He may be able to guide you and help you because he's lived long and gained the wisdom to share this with you.
You might also wish to spend some time online exploring the grieving process - that is what you're experiencing: anticipatory grief, and insight is helpful.
Take the time now to say everything that you wish your grandpa to know about your love and appreciation of him, tell him how much he means to you and don't hide your tears from him. He already knows.
*Hugs*
I realized I can’t edit my original post but I also wanted to add that I am also suggested to stay away from him due to the fear of passing on any illnesses as my job does require me to interact with hundreds of people everyday. Due to that the past few years I did have to only say hi from the door to his room. I do try to do little activities with him here and there unfortunately he has gotten to the point of very low mobility and is not able to participate in much I still get him little treats every time I go out. I know he is also very sad about his situation as he cries about the past a lot. I think my hardest part is seeing the grandpa I grew up looking at as very stern and strong break down. But you’re right it’s not just me who is struggling to see a loved one suffering. Thank you for your reply I really did need to hear this.
You are thinking too much about yourself, your emotions, your past experiences, your own sorrow, and your ‘guilt’. Stop. Just view this as something you need to do, for a reason – like organising your time to do an assignment, and getting it in on time. Your reason to visit is to feel that you have done the right thing, and that if possible it has given a little pleasure to your grandfather.
Decide how much time you can give – 15 minutes once a week? Just ‘spending time with him’ is not the point, and it won’t relive the past good times.
My suggestion (based on experience) is to go, sit in a chair beside his bed, hold his hand (stroke or little squeezes too), and talk to him so he hears your voice. Don’t expect him to answer, just hope he knows you are there. You can talk about your own life, or your memories of things you did with him in the past. At one point with my FIL, I read to him poetry that he learned in school. It was an old six bed ward, and some of the other old guys were straining to hear it too, because it was also part of their own childhoods! Then give him a kiss on the cheek, and walk out. Feel good that you have done what you could to help, as well as feeling the sadness of it all. It's hard, but you can cope!
Very best wishes, Margaret
Is hospice on board to help grandpa stay comfortable during his end of life journey? I know that helps ME when hospice is there to keep my loved ones pain free and anxiety free so I know they're not suffering.
Remember that you've already spent a lot of quality time with your grandfather since you've been living together, and those are the moments you should focus on. If it upsets you to see him in this deteriorated condition, limit the time you DO spend with him and read him a book so you can focus on the words on the page instead of on his face. I know how hard this whole scenario is, so I'm sending you a hug and a prayer for you to find acceptance with his ultimate passing. It has always helped me to know that once my parents passed, they were free of their wheelchairs and bodily limitations and able to run and dance free again w/o pain or misery of any kind.