My mom is 84 and lives alone. She is a very difficult, negative person. She calls me everyday and demands that I answer the phone whenever she calls as if I have no life of my own. She complains about her health, her bills and my brother all the time. She is so negative and has always been this way. I am tired of her negativity and do not want to talk with her everyday. So I am laying down boundaries and she becomes abusive when I do. She just vomits out whatever she wants to say without any regard for me and my feelings. She has always been this way and me and my brother and sisters left her house early on in our teenage years because we could not stand her bipolar ways. I love my mom but my life and my metal health are important to me and I just don't want to be there every time she calls with some negative topic. I just can't be her emotional dumping bag anymore and when I speak what I feel, she interrupts me, hangs up the phone or whatever she has to do not to hear me or validate my feelings. My brother and sisters have distanced themselves from her because they don't like the way she is. She is miserable, tired and sick all the time and I don't want to become like her. If I constantly play the listener role what will become of me?
Follow in your siblings' footsteps. Block her number and stop interacting with her. Cut toxic negative people out of your life.
If you want to take a smaller step, only answer the phone once a day, and immediately tell her goodbye if she starts complaining, that you don't want to hear it, then hang up. Don't answer again until the next day. A ringing phone can go unanswered.
Boundaries are for YOU, they are not to change your mom. She won't change.
I'd just go cold turkey, personally.
If you are not her PoA and wish to back away, you can contact APS to report her as a vulnerable adult. This gets her on their radar. Keep calling APS. Eventually when conditions for staying in her home become untenable, they will move to acquire guardianship, and then will place her in a facility where she will be protected and cared for. You can visit her and carry on whatever level or engagement you wish, but the county will then be in full control of her medical and financial affairs, and family will have no insight into any of it. The guardian may request input about certain decisions, but that's it.
My step-FIL became a ward of the county. He made it impossible for us to help him legally. I laid out his choices and he chose to pretend that APS would not intervene, but they did. He went into a facility and we visited him, then went home and slept soundly because we weren't exhausted or worried about him. I'm just putting this out there for you so you can make an informed decision, and move forward with your life. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart.
I had more written and lost it. I am assuming what CTTN wrote is from previous posts you have made.
Keep setting those boundries. If anyone "owes" Mom anything its the favored child. If Mom has any of this money left, than she can afford a nice Assisted living. Tell Mom u have a life. That her calls will have to be just one. Pick a time. You no longer want to hear about her complaints about money or health. If she can't call with anything positive, then don't call. You can be there for her, but on your terms and in your time. She needs you more than you need her. When she gets nasty, say "I am hanging up and please don't call me back if you are going to be nasty". As its been said before on this forum "You set the tone with how someone treats you".
The next time Mom calls and gets nasty maybe tell her you need a break from her. Say "I'll call you in a week. Hopefully you will not be so negative". Then block her. This way you won't know if she calls or not.
I have a niece who was here visiting for a weekend. We were in the checkout line at the grocery store when nieces phone rang. She looked at it and put it away. It had been her Mom and she called her back when we got to the car. When she tried her Mom, she didn't answer. My niece said "She does this all the time when I don't pick up" Not sure if SIL called back or niece tried again but niece said "I was in the check out line". When she hung up she said "that could have waited till I got home". This is a red flag of things to come. My niece has become a strong woman but she has a tender heart. I feel she can set boundries but her Mom will not make it easy.
The golden child in my family passed away and the only other besides myself has strong boundaries. She will not allow our mother to pull her nonsense with her.
If there was nothing in it for me, she would be in the nursing home, and I make sure she knows it.
Elders know how far they can push us and how much they'll get away with. My mother knows that the tolerance level I have for certain behaviors is very low or non-existent. This has been so for several years now and our situation has improved somewhat. This improvement only happened through a lot of Gray Rocking for long periods of time with plenty of strong boundaries and often ignoring her. This is what works.
"I have 5 siblings and my mother favors my youngest brother who is now 45. She sold my dad's house when he died and got $590,000 from it and my brother milked her for so much money. She gave him $30,000 to pay his backed mortgage payments, bought him a Cadillac and gave him a credit card for gas, food, etc. And all she did for me was buy me a cup of coffee. I guess she thought I was completely self sufficient and didn't need anything because I did not ask for anything. I do ask for my some of my dad's statues which she also gave to my brother instead. Very hard to deal with a parent who favors one child over the other. It kind of made me feel distant from her because she did not favor me at all. So I moved away and now I feel bad she is 81 and fending for herself because no one really visits her anymore."
It will be interesting to see what happens when your mother needs help. You seem to be the only one who is in contact with her now. You have set firm boundaries with her. Seems like you will be the one who is expected to step in when she gets ill/falls, etc.
She fell once before, and it's only a matter of time before it or something else happens again. She has some money, and doesn't like to spend it. Will you be able to let her struggle?
Does anyone have her POA/HCPOA? I suggest you push for her to make your younger brother; her POA/HCPOA, since he already got paid by her.
You don't need validation from us or from anyone else to set down your own boundaries with the woman and then stick TO them. This issue has obviously been going on for years now and only YOU can fix it, at least to some degree. I have a mother like yours who lives 4 miles away in Memory Care AL and regular AL since 2014. I set the rules on visits, phone calls and everything else otherwise my entire life would be usurped by her. And I am an only child so there's nobody else to share the burden with, so it's been especially important for me to set boundaries down & stick to them, or I'd be eating Xanax like Tic-Tac.
Take care of YOU and know that it's okay to do so. Mom isn't going to change, but she WILL get worse if dementia is an issue b/c what they were gets magnified with dementia. My mother was always angry & miserable, so now, she's angrIER and more miserable with advanced dementia.
What will 'become of you' is directly related to how strict you are with boundaries you set down for yourself NOW. Limit your exposure to the toxic fumes now so you won't be so poisoned down the road that you turn into a waste dump yourself!!!!
Good luck!
You can screen her calls and let them go to voicemail. Then call her back only if you wish to.
You don't have to go her house and don't have to have her at your place either. I totally believe that your mother is exactly as you say. You mention a brother that she complains about to you. Does he live with her? If he does then he's the one who really lives the hardship and misery these days. My mother is exactly like yours. Only by unfortunate circumstances, I am forced to live with her and be her caregiver. I would not hesitate to put her in a nursing home this very day if that was an option but it isn't. I own the home but haven't owned it for five years or more which is the requirement for the Medicaid look-back period. I don't have money. So if I walked away now, I lose everything. It means I lived as a nanny-slave for years and it would all have been for nothing.
Establish some strong boundaries and try to get your siblings to as well. If you all stand in solidarity with the boundaries, you will all be a lot happier.
DO NOT be her listener anymore. All of you must stop this. If she gets attention or something she wants through negativity and complaining then that is what she will do every time.
It's like with a child. If the adult gives in because the child is having a tantrum over something, that child is going to have a tantrum every time they're told 'no' on anything. Elderly people can be like children and have to be treated the same.
This means when she starts up with the negativity and instigating a fight with one of you (constant negativity and complaining usually goes hand in hand with fight instigating), shut that down quick. Everyone can either ignore her totally or Gray Rock her big-time. This means basic needs only. Since you're not her caregiver, you don't even have to have and contact with her if you don't want to. I totally understand if you decided to have zero contact with her.
My mother (who is the same age as yours) gets warned in advance not to "start" if I'm taking her somewhere. They all know what not starting means and you won't have to explain. If the negativity and wallowing in self-pity starts before a special occasion, she gets left at home. If any instigating starts up at a family function like a holiday, she gets ignored or taken home. No one indulges her BS anymore.
Stop indulging your mother's BS and you all will see an improvement.
How do you own the home but don't own it? Did Mom turn the home over to you within the 5 year lookback?
I like your word *play*.
If this was an actually play & you didn't like it, despite having bought a ticket, you could just walk out. This *play* has Mom in the leading role & you as a listening post. The ticket is sort of a social contract that you are the good child & will always obey. But that's ancient history - time to redefine your part.
Basically Mom can complain as long as she wants to whoever she wants. However, you have ZERO obligation to listen.
Some of us that are very empathetic probably struggle with cutting down contact when needed. And it is needed from time to time for self-protection. Or being assertive enough to move the conversation topic on.
My DH took quite a few calls from a sib going through a very hard time. I heard him saying things like "yeah you already told me that", "why are you telling ME? Tell X" & finally "I'm not your therapist..You don't have one? You should get one". Message received - 'vomit' calls stopped 😆
Sounds a bit harsh, but he reasoned sib seemed a bit stuck but talking about the same stuff over & over wasn't fixing anything. Plus if it wasn't for him to fix, he saw no reason to listen!
One of my brothers has a good technique and although I wouldn't recommend as a rule of thumb - as it is a bit manipulative - it is a good way of dealing with negative people.
He is cheerful and responsive until the other person starts complaining and then he goes quiet. It is the contrast that makes the other person pause and consider what they have said. If he is pushed he will be 'called away'.
I think you and I are related. We must have the same mother. Well…maybe not physically, but at the very least, emotionally.
My mother has been abusive all her life. If she can’t control you with anger she feigns illness even to the point of saying, “I’m dying,” I can’t tell you how many times she’s told us of having a heart attack. She’s had none. She so pitiful that I’m convinced she’ll die of prostrate cancer someday.
My mom says she’s a Christian. She continually uses the one verse from the Bible she knows, “Honor your father and mother.” But she forgets about “(parents) don’t provoke your children to wrath.”
My father passed in 2008. Even after his death, when we were all she had, for the two years after his death she was so awful to us. I told her if she didn’t quit that she was going to die a lonely woman. And that NO ONE wanted that for her. I told her she needed to be nice and quit being the bitter hateful person she was. She was so abusive to us, lying to us so much, and railing on us continuously that my wife and I cut her off. We told her that if she didn’t stop acting the way she was that we wouldn’t see her or call her. She still didn’t stop, so we followed through and didn’t make contact for two years. We let her back in and she started again. Again, we cut her off for another year. That seemed to do the trick.
She is now 89 (today is her birthday) and lives alone, in another state. My wife and I retired and moved 3 years ago to be near grandchildren. I do call my mom every week, and she still tries her antics, but I just change the subject. If she still persists, I tell her to stop and if she doesn’t that I’ll hang up and call in a few days. And I have had to followed through, occasionally.
You can still love your mom, and should. But just because she’s your biological parent, that does not mean you have to put up with her abusive behavior. You wouldn’t allow a neighbor to treat you that way. You’d cut off associating with them. So why should she be allowed to cross those same boundaries because she’s related to her.
WARN HER and FOLLOW THROUGH, if she crosses the boundaries again.
BE BOLD!
Blessings,
Terry
IF you want to continue to interact with her do a ''Ooops, gotta run...'' every time the conversation starts to get negative.
You may want to seize control of the situation and just tell her you're super busy but will call her on the weekend to touch base, then limit the time you chat. When the conversation goes negative, hop off. Then it's on your terms. She may even start to refuse to call since she can't control you--all for the good. She eventually will call, because connection to her usual emotional dumping ground will be irresistable to her. ...and you just stay in control and set the schedule, and refuse to open the gates of the dump.
Without her being aware of her behaviors and wanting to move your relationship into something more respectful, it's unlikely that she will have some epiphany about how her negativity affects you.
My mom was a negative person.
Now that she’s gone, I seemed to have forgotten the bad times and wish she was here to give advice and talk to, In death, she keeps teaching me as I look back and wish I had paid more attention to what she had to say.
What would I have done differently? Engage in activities or hobbies that put my mind in a different place. Reach out and connect with friends. Look out the window and watch nature or the world. Refrain from complaining to anyone and listen instead.
A deacon at a nursing home once told me that no one knows the bitterness and anger of a caregiver.
We all know what they say about hindsight.
I tried, believe me, I tried, b/c I also have a big heart and feel too much. It's what empaths DO.
But we also have a hard time with boundaries and we always believe if we just do A, B or C we will have fixed the 'problem'.
LOTS of therapy has gotten me to the point where I know all my efforts have been pretty much wasted and I have to STOP expecting either of the moms to be 'nice' to me.
I see my mom maybe once a month. Maybe. She NEVER calls me, now that I no longer drive her to BINGO once a week. I have not seen nor spoken to MIL for 2 years and although DH is very angry about that--there's absolutely NOTHING he can do to make me go see her. He wants me there to deflect all the crazy and to take the anger.
This site has saved my emotional bacon more than once. I really thought, for years, that it was ALL ME--something was wrong with ME that these 2 women seemed to hate me so much.
I'll struggle with this forever--it's not something that can be easily 'gotten over'. It takes work and talk and being self caring.
My MIL never leaves her house and has no friends. My mom goes to the Sr Center one day a week and has one friend and that's it. You live to 92 and there's not many people your age.
And, yes, I worry that I will become just like my mother. It terrifies me.
I notice my kids ALL call screen me. If they don't want to talk to me, they don't pick up the phone. It can be done.
I don't worry about feeling 'sad' when the moms die. I think there will be an enormous sigh of relief and some grief over what SHOULD have been. They've made their choices and I am not responsible to make them happy.
I know she felt better after venting and I did not have to really listen.
As long as your mom is safe and relatively healthy, you do not have to listen to her rants throughout the day. Many find it helpful to let phone calls go to voicemail and call when you are available - once a day or a couple times a week. You might start conversations with asking if she has an emergency - health, house, or other. Then let her vent for only a short period of time. When you have reached the time limit (set a timer), tell her that you have to go and hang up.
I know it is harder with COVID, but work hard to develop friendships with several uplifting people. They will help to counteract the negative conversations with your mom.
If it's gone on for years, she is in a rut and it's normal for her. It sounds like her whole family has taken the harsh words, but never really resolved it. All of you just moved away, so it took a phone call for her to say the mean things, It didn't really change the way she talked to all of you. Old dogs can learn new tricks - but it does take a few times for them to find they won't get snacks if they bite.