I took care of my grandfather last year before he passed. My family is pretty awful. They don’t come around unless they are coming to get money from my grandma. She doesn’t say no to them no matter how much wrong they do to her. These people are horrible people, in and out of jail, drugs, constant arguing with her, yet she still thinks they do no wrong. She thinks they are the sun in the sky when they do nothing to help her. She is so nice and loving to them, yet to me and my aunt that help her she is horrible to. Constantly ridiculing us and being rude. She also is to the point where she is expecting people to wait on her hand and foot. Even with her medical conditions there is still stuff she can do, but she just won’t do it.
I feel so guilty because I am to the point where I almost can’t stand my grandmother and I hate being around her. How do I get past this? Am I wrong for this?
I have seen it in my own family. My mom continually tried to help my oldest brother who was terribly lost. She asked me to help him and I told her that I was done trying to help him and that he was responsible for his life.
You will have to decide if you want to be involved with this mess. I feel that it’s best not to be involved in situations where you don’t have any control over what others do.
Some parents don’t ever know when to cut the aprons strings so their children can learn to live on their own. They bail them out of trouble over and over and over again.
Some parents may believe that they are actually helping. The problem is not only with their children who are irresponsible. It’s also with the parents twisted logic or should I say lack of logic!
1) Your grandmother is “horrible to you and your aunt, constantly ridiculing us and being rude”
2) Your grandmother “is expecting people (you and your aunt) to wait on her hand and foot. There is still stuff she can do, but she just won’t do it”.
3) The rest of your “family is pretty awful”. They call only “to get money from my grandma”. They “are horrible people, in and out of jail, drugs, constant arguing with her”.
4) They have grandma under their thumb, and she “thinks they do no wrong”.
None of them are decent sensible people, but you and your aunt are propping them all up. You think that all of them, including Grandma, are users. Why are you doing this? Perhaps you think that grandma might see the light and change? I doubt if you think all the rest of them will.
Perhaps the only thing that you and your aunt can do is to talk through a joint strategy, and lay it on the line to GM. “We can’t keep on doing this, when you are rude and demanding to us, and then shower blessings on the people who are taking you to the cleaners. If you won’t change, we will have to move away from the whole thing, We will give you some phone numbers of places that might help, because we doubt if you will get much help from the family. But that is all we can do. We are so sorry that it has worked out like this. Goodbye”.
This is a reasonable exit line, and it is also possible that it might make people change. Complaining won’t work – you know that!
You can choose your friends, so get out and find them!!!!!!!!!!!!
Becoming the family martyr doesn’t help anyone.
It isn't clear to me if you live with your grandmother. Whether you do, or you don't, it's time to leave her to her own devices. I can tell you from my own experience, trying to help someone who treats you badly is unhealthy for you (and for your aunt). It is very hard to recover from.
I hope your aunt is an ally for you and that you can talk with her and tell her that this is unhealthy for you and you need to break away from it. Perhaps she feels the same and you can help one another. I hope there are resources where you live that you can tap to help your grandmother so that you don't feel like you are abandoning her. If not, these people are ruining their own chances to have people who enjoy being with them. The consequences of that are theirs to bear. Hopefully, we can get out in the world and live lives that keep us safe from being that sort of person when we are old.
Many cruel things are done by family to family, but you don’t have to be that way. Be better. I wish you luck in finding a true tribe of your own where you are loved and respected.
As to guilt, you didn't cause your grandmother's problems and you can't fix them. Guilt is involved with wrong-doing, and you have done nothing wrong. Rather switch that word for the "other g-word" which is grief. You are actively grieving someone failing and facing end of life, someone with severe limitations who cannot return kind for kind.
Make your way out of that household and on with your life, making "family" out of people who understand and value you.
I wish you the best.
Can you move out and reclaim your life?
Are you a legal POA? Are you able to make decisions for her or are you residing in her home and taking on caregiving duties?
If no one is POA and grandma is competent there is not much you can do. You could say that you have had enough and make plans to move out and resume your life beyond caregiving.
If you think your family is taking advantage of her and abusing her financially you can report the situation to your State Elder Abuse Hotline number. And they will follow up. but if grandma says that she is doing all this on her own there is not much they can do.
If grandma has dementia and you do not have POA you can attempt to obtain Guardianship or allow the Court to appoint a Guardian.
We are not obligated to like a relative bc they are related to us. They have to treat us well in order to earn that honor. We can love someone w/o liking them, too, as was the case w my mother. I loved her, but her behavior towards me was such that I didn't like her. Big difference. No guilt or self recrimination there either.....it was all HER doing that created the issues.