Mom was sundowning and trying to wander in the middle of the night, rarely would bathe or take care of herself or except help and having incontinent issues. Her husband was having health issues after taking care of her for 3 years so we
agreed it was time for memory care. I’m sad how the memory care told me to drop her off for tea and give it time and visit her in a couple weeks. I feel like I abandoned and deceived her. What is going through her mind ?
What you're finding is this: DEMENTIA offers a no-win situation to all concerned. Keep her home and watch everyone suffer. Send her off to Memory Care and start down the I'm A Terrible Daughter road to guilt and recrimination, in spite of the fact that mother is now SAFE and well cared for in a nice environment, surrounded by people her own age, in the same boat she's in. With activities to partake of, 3 hot meals a day to eat, movies to watch, etc.
You can start beating yourself up for doing the right thing and using the words "abandonment" and "deception". Or, you can realize that DEMENTIA is the Bad Guy here and what's robbed YOU, your step dad and most of all, your MOTHER of your lives. There IS no good answer here b/c dementia stole it. So you took the best option available which was to keep mother safe & sound, and you went with it.
Your next step is to put away the negative self-talk and ugly words, and put together a plan of action about when you'll visit your mother, what little gifts you'll bring her, what photos/phone videos you'll take to keep her amused, what snacks you'll take her, etc. You'll be sure to keep in mind what the staff tells you about allowing her some time to adjust, and then you'll go visit. You'll brace yourself for hearing about "I want to go home" from her but you'll realize that ALL dementia sufferers 'want to go home' when they're not even sure where home IS. They're referring more to a place in time when they were healthy & life was good rather than a brick & mortar building, in reality. And you'll come up with a standard answer about that such as "When the doctor says you can go home, then we'll talk about it mom." And you establish your new normal moving forward, remembering to take care of YOURSELVES too because your lives are just as important as mom's.
You'll all get thru this. One day at a time.
Best of luck.
Folks that have done same as you said how hard it was.
Folks that dropped off but then visited everyday to be pleaded with "take me home" said how hard that was.
Neighbour who "refused to put his Mother away". She wandered at night & was hit by a car on the main road. Lingered for weeks too frail for hip surgery before passing. Said how hard it was.
All the folks who write in with elders refusing to move from their unsafe, unclean or hoarded up homes say how hard it is.
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Mom is somewhere safe. The staff has seen sundowning many times. They know how to soothe, to redirect. They will be gaining her trust. Everyday, with the routine, Mom will start to feel safe there.
When I visited my Mother (The Great Refuser) at a respite home... was it the same person?? Joined in activities! Smiled at staff! Ate her meals! Seemed to accept & be calmed by the routine of the place.
The break can be two-sided, for Mom but also for you. Time for your emotions to soothe down somewhat too.
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Dad lived there for almost 3 years. After that dramatic start, he settled in and had a reasonably smooth time living there. I visited at least once a week & handled everything that needed to be done (mom refused). In the end, the two weeks at the beginning didn't matter. I am glad I did as I was told because he did settle in, and I was able to start pulling myself together mentally & emotionally. I was in touch with staff via text, and was able to get a few photos texted to me during that first two weeks, to see that he was OK and beginning to participate in group activities.
There is no way to get out of this unscathed. I still cry sometimes about the whole thing. There are no good choices, no good answers. Your job now is just to pick the least-bad options...
My mother's removal was after a serious fall. Once a person gets to the point they can no longer live alone it is rare for them to accept that fact. My mother's finances were a mess,her bathing was too and the apartment was not clean.
You question what was going through her mind after being left at MC. What do you feel was going through her mind before? Yes she was in familiar surroundings but how was she managing day to day there? Most likely not well which causes whole sets of problems.
We can always wish it to have been different but trying to reason with someone who has no sense of reality as to how they are not managing their life is pointless. It only spirals downhill as is evident with so many posts here.
You are placing her in a safe environment. Hopefully she will adapt even if it takes time. As difficult as that can be for you the alternative is worse because the circumstances have reached a point where safe choices cannot be made on their own. I hope you find peace and in time can have productive visits.
Placing someone in Memory Care is a very difficult decision.
A lot of thought goes into making the decision.
It is not something that you wake up one morning and say to yourself I think I will drop mom off at "Gentle Gardens memory Care" and drive off.
A decision like this is based on SAFETY. Safety for the ones giving care and the ones receiving care.
Making this decision is not a failure on your part or your dad's. It is recognizing and accepting that you can not maintain a level of safe care.
It is also realizing that you love her enough that you want her to get the best care possible. A place that is safe. A place that has people available 24 hours a day every day of the year.
Your mother will have continuous support from people who should be skilled in reassuring and redirecting her to ensure she is never left in distress. Of course the change will confuse her - she's not wrong to be confused, she isn't in a familiar place and she doesn't have the mental abilities to make overall sense of what the heck is going on - but the structured daily routine will help to compensate for that very quickly. I hope you're getting good reports; and as for the decision to place her, sometimes there just aren't any better options. It does suck, I'm sorry.
The first day we walked and allowed the staff to take over. Its like having a small child and first day if Daycare. You take them, give them a kiss on the cheek and say you will be back to get them later and leave. You don't linger. (I never had a problem with this, but my husband did even when it was my mother) You find out later that after a good cry they saw the toys and other kids and everything was OK.
You don't have to visit everyday and if u do, it doesn't have to be for long. I never spent much more than a half hour unless something was going on. Let the staff to do their jobs. She needs to rely on them not you. There was a poster I remember who spent sometime every day with her parent to the point she did everything for her like toileting. Me, that was one thing I was so glad I did not have to do anymore.
Mom will be OK. As time goes on the place will be home.
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