My mom and I we very close. Sadly I lost her in January 2022. She passed away from complications associated with Covid and congestive heart failure. Mom was also diagnosed with dementia about 2 years before she passed. Her last year of life was especially difficult, as she was hospitalized several times. Each time she was released, the dementia became much worse. I moved her four times in one year. Each time to a different level of senior care. Finally memory care. During the month before she passed, my husband and I both got Covid so I could not visit my mom. Then my mom got Covid which increased the amount of time we were apart. It was during this period I received a call from Hospice she was dying. I went to be with her and the Hospice nurse told me it could be hours or a few days. My mom was not awake when I arrived and never opened her eyes while I was there. I left that evening to go home. Early the next morning I received a call that she had passed away.
The next week I had to move her things from her room. It was then that one of the aides told me that my mom said to her “they'ew not coming back”. Meaning her family was not coming back to see her. I wish I had never heard that. Now I feel so much guilt that she felt abandoned by me. But, with the Covid situation we just couldn’t be together the last few weeks of her life. Regardless, I could have had zoom calls with her or had done something more to communicate. Now I feel so guilty for not doing that. It’s difficult to handle.
I am not religious but I do believe that someone we loved comes for us. We don't die alone.
Hugs to you. It's a lifetime of love that matters, not the last few minutes of someone's life.
When my mom with dementia was actively dying, an aide told me she'd been up the night before, sitting in her chair, laughing, making jokes, eating snacks and watching tv until the wee hours of the morning. Really? She went from a semi comatose state to actively yucking it up while stuffing snacks in her mouth, all in a matter of hours? When I arrived, mom was in bed, in the exact same position she'd been in the day before when I'd left her, except she'd been turned a bit so she wouldn't get bedsores. What happened, most likely, is the aide confused my mother with someone else and gave me misinformation. Which could have been the case with you as well.
In any event, many people choose to pass when their loved ones are NOT present, on purpose, to spare them that last parting memory. Your mom likely did that very thing for your sake. Please don't feel guilty for something that was out of your control to begin with. If you read the books written by hospice nurses, you'll see them say that souls pass over long before their bodies expire anyway, and watch the happenings going on in their room from up above. Your mom is at perfect peace now and not wanting you to be beating yourself up over her physical body now that she's with God in spirit form. Take comfort from that fact and let yourself off the hook now. You'll see mom again when it's your time to transition, that's my belief.
Wishing you all the best, along with my condolences over your loss.
Later that day, after mom expired, my brother pulled me aside. Now, he's a very loyal husband. But he said to me quietly "you know what R told you about last might? All in her imagination".
I think people's minds get the better of them sometimes. In this situation, I think the aide is imagining something.
Your mother knew you had been there. Often it is stated that people may pass right after family has left. There is no point to make yourself miserable over this. You need to move forward and retain positive memories. I recently read the most amazing statement in a book. A woman had lost both her 2 sons in WW11. She told her daughter if tears and sadness could bring them back she would spend her days doing that but as that could not she had to move on with her life.
I realize that is an incredibly difficult concept to imagine and I don't know that I could manage that but hearing that remark really resonated in a way that made me think hard about death and certainly when a life has been fully lived.
I was with my mother at her memory care for the three days before she passed. Every night when I left I told her I'd be back in the morning, but when I returned on the fourth morning, she was gone. She couldn't wait for me to get there, but I know she knew (as did your mom) that I would always be back.
Don't beat yourself up. Anytime we see any of our loved ones could be the last time. None of know when "the time" will be, and that final journey is one taken alone no matter who is there with us.
I'm not certain I would believe what she told you if your mother was unresponsive when you were there.
Everyone dies "alone". No one can make that journey with you. It's what is waiting on the other side that counts at that point.
Be at peace. You did the absolute best you could in very trying and unprecedented circumstances.
As a Christian, I believe that NO ONE dies alone, as we not only have our loved ones that have gone on before us, often with us, and most importantly Jesus/God is with us as well. And who better to take us from this world to the next than Him!