I became my mother's full-time caregiver after having a stroke. I don't mind taking care of her - I feel it's my calling to be there for her till the "end". I, however, sometimes feel resentment towards family members that live further away & take vacations instead of coming home to help out. Recently, several family members flew to the beach to celebrate my sister's birthday & I felt so left out & trapped. It's hard not feeling resentment when others are having fun while I'm on call 365/24/7. Any ideas to help with these feelings?
Susan, I share your sentiments about your mother exactly. I think what we both need to recognise and accept is that our respective siblings don't. Truly, I know how infuriating it is (and yes sometimes hurtful, although it's when they exclude our mother that I feel angry - I'm not bothered on my own account): I list all the things that my siblings do have time for, and will travel long distances to accomplish, and consider worthwhile, and it makes me want to ask them directly "where exactly is our mother on your list of priorities? 72 on a good day?"
But what's the point? We're here. They're not. It only matters if it bothers our mothers.
Find time for yourself...
I am curious how you found out about their beach trip? Did they call and tell you? Or did you find out through the grapevine?
Remind yourself that that your mother had no choice about the stroke.
You and your siblings had choices to make, however. You chose to care for her. You feel it is your calling. How wonderful that you have the ability to answer that calling. Celebrate that good fortune.
No one can care for another person, especially a declining adult, 24/7//365 and retain their sanity, let alone consistent good attitudes. To continue in your calling you MUST arrange some respite care. I remember when I was first told that and I thought, "ya, ya, I'll put it on my to-do list." It may seem just one more overwhelming task to find good care for your loved one while you have time off regularly. But it really is a critical piece of taking care of someone full time. Some resources I finally got myself in gear to use:
1) volunteer who came a couple of hours twice a week.
2) an adult day health program for a few days a week
3) a personal care attendant for several hours a day (wonderful!)
4) occasionally a family member to stay for a few days while I got away
5) a family member to travel with us to help with my loved one on a trip
I did not use all of these at once, and the strategies changed as my loved one got worse. But I urge you to come up with some plans for your own recreation. That is a good antidote to resentment.
Next time the family assembles at the beach, arrange for good care for Mom and join them there. Even if they are staying 5 days and you can only stay 2, join them!
You sibs had choices to make, too. They chose not to be Mom's full-time caregiver. OK. Give them additional choices to make before concluding they have deliberately chosen to isolate you. Give them plenty of notice and ask, "I am signing up for a readers' retreat (or cake decorating convention, or knitting seminar, etc) in October. Before I begin the search for care for Mom, would any of you want to come here, or invite her to your home, for that period?" Go whether they volunteer or not, but give them a choice.
Until I was a caregiver I could not imagine what was involved or what help was needed. Help your sibs' imagination by giving them choices. They may still choose not to help, of course, but at least you've done your part in giving them the opportunity.
The bad thing here is that Mother had a stroke. Not her fault. Not your fault. Not your sibs' fault. If you want to resent a bad guy, pick the stroke.