I am a fairly new caregiver. I now care for both my parents who moved in with me at the beginning of the year. I am also a nurse who has done bedside nursing for 10+ years and now in an outpatient setting. I am happy at my current job and they have been very flexible with time off that I needed to take for my parents' health issues and hospitalizations.
My original plan before I took on the responsibilities of being my parents' caregiver was to move to another state to be with my boyfriend. I had hopes of getting married and having children. Now I cannot see a future for myself. I feel like my parents have consumed my life and I have no space to breathe. It's been one issue after another this year. They first moved in with me just to have a place to live. Now it's evolved into filling up their pillboxes every week, making sure they take their meds, doing their laundry, preparing their meals, bathing my father, making sure he goes to the bathroom (he has dementia) so he doesn't have an accident (because he's had them), waking them up to make sure they are ready to get on their ride to their adult daycare center.
I love my parents very much. I want to be a good daughter, but I have days when I feel such anger towards them for not preparing for their future. They never owned a home, they lost their business when they were in their 50's, and now they are completely financially dependent on me. I have siblings who cannot afford to help me and live too far but I don't hold any resentment toward them. I guess it may be because I feel like wasn't a good older sister when we were younger.
I do believe in God but these days I've been questioning whether I did something very wrong. As if this is some type of punishment for me for being a bad person.
Will there be a future for me? Or is this it? I feel so hopeless.
Your mom's had a stroke, your dad's dementia will continue to worsen until he requires 24/7 care under lockdown conditions, so you're IT. You're embattled in their insurance nightmare too which will eat up all of your brain power, where's the time leftover for the boyfriend and the life you're supposed to be building together? And the resentment just keeps building and building. I watched my mother turn into a mean and bitter woman caring for her mother in my childhood home, and everyone's lives were ruined in the process. 😑
Go talk to an elder care attorney and talk about Medicaid for long-term care for both of them now. Get them placed together in a SNF and go back to being their daughter instead of an exhausted and angry caregiver. You deserve a life which will be taken FROM you should you continue being their nurse. This is just the beginning of a very long journey which will deplete you if you let it.
If you get them placed, you can ALSO have a husband and children while being their daughter. You'll have a more balanced life that way. I made a decision myself long ago to never move my folks in with me and stayed true to that promise. They lived in Independent Senior Living then Assisted Living then Memory Care Assisted Living until they both passed, mom most recently in Feb at 95. I did no hands on caregiving but managed their entire lives FOR them as an only child for 10+ years. Thank God, too, or I'd probably be dead by now of an aneurysm or heart attack from the sheer stress of trying to be Superwoman. It's not possible. Instead, I preserved my life, my marriage, and my shaky relationship w my mother by maintaining autonomous lives.
I suggest you do the same, for your own sake. You deserve to.
Best of luck to you
You are a nurse.
You are a daughter.
I'm wondering if nurse & daughter have melted together for you?
Imagine for a minute you were a long haul truck driver instead? Or a fire fighter, accountant or whatever.
Would you be doing what you are? No.
You would be doing your job, phoning up & visiting your folks (in their assisted living/Medicaid facility) when you could.
You've rostered yourself on to be your folks full-time nurse. But this can be changed.
Do you want a future? Like the one where you move to be with your boyfriend? Is he still in the picture?
Do not feel hopeless. There is lots of hope! But you are going to need to toughen up and make some major decisions ASAP. You obviously are not enjoying your "new" life. Let's call this a temporary sidetrack. Now it's time to get back to your primary life and do the things you need and want to do as a young woman.
I'm glad that you're not upset with your siblings not helping. Happens ALL the time - there's no sense in being mad at them.
You can not afford to support your parents. How old are they? Do they literally have nothing or are just not willing to give you any of it?
So, you need to enact some major changes. I guess they don't have any money, or I'd say assisted living might work. If they are broke, then you may need to put them in a nursing home. Do NOT pay for one penny of it. It is NOT your responsibility. They may need to go on medicaid. They need much more help than you can give. You deserve a life too!
As a nurse, you probably already know the good facilities in your area. Get in touch with them, get on waiting list, etc. etc.
Good luck.
You are entitled to a life.