How do I get over feeling unmotivated, due to being overwhelmed?

OMG, itb!!! So would that be Lays or Ruffles?

We never know how long it will take for parents to complete their journey. As freqflyer writes, it can turn into years. My rule of thumb about promises is don't make them if I have little or no control over keeping them. Perhaps consider reworking the promise so that it incorporates the current realities. Otherwise it seems like trying to fit a "square promise" into a "round promise" hole and it can't be done without cutting corners. This life is not a dress rehearsal. Live it or lose it.

ltb2parents, you mentioned that you "promised" your parents to take care of them at home. May I asked when did you make that promise? Was it back when your parents were younger and healthier, with no age related declines?

It is so easy to promise home care when we can't visualize our parents becoming elders, and have zero idea what is involved.

My parents never asked me to promise them they could stay in their home. I never visualized my parents being very elderly.... they were still walking 2 miles a day in their late 80's and early 90's. Dad was still fixing everything around the house, Mom still doing all the housework even at 97.

You need to do what is best for your parents and what is best for you. I bet years ago your parents never thought about you leaving your husband across the country to take care of them..... oh never in the million years... now look.

You have been doing this for around 9 months... imagine doing this for the next 5 years. I know it has ruined my health, thus no fun retirement in my plans... that bucket list was crumbled up and thrown away. Yet my parents had a wonderful 25+ year retirement traveling everywhere.

I'm a big fan of the "baby steps" method, and often motivate myself by promising myself a treat after, say, 45 minutes of a task i hate. Like doing the taxes.

The other thing that i think you need to thing about, long term, is when do you decide that one caregiver isnt enough for your parents. You say they don't need 24/7 oversight, but the burners, dad's memory loss....

During respite, is one person coming to be with them?

Are you researching what options exist for when things take a turn for the worse? Do you know what facilities are available near you and near their current location? Any thought to selling the other houses?

I would also get that cough checked out sooner than 5 weeks from now.

itb, what a job you came home to. Sounds like you are a financial manager of a small empire. Oy. I think I'd go sit on the beach, too!

Rainmom: Dad is 84 & Mom is 81. Currently 7 bank accounts with auto bill pay using different accounts. I realize it's going to take time to condense, but I must first move the auto payments to one account. We have 4 homes, only one is a rental. 3 water bills & 3 electric bills, etc needs to be moved to one account. The rental expenses are kept separate for tax purpose. So...now one can see why I haven't done paperwork in 3 months. It overwhelms when I think of what "needs" to be done. I'm going to start by doing 1 hr tomorrow. :-) Baby steps!

Happycitylady: thank you for sharing. I too have considered asking for meds to get out of this funky feeling. I didn't mention that I've put on 20lbs in 9 months and very stressed about the weight gain too, especially since I lost 80lbs and had kept it off for 2 yrs. Additionally, I've got a chest cough that I can't seem to shake. I'll see my doc when I go home for respite in July.

itb - I can't recall if you said how old your parents are - mine were Depression Era babies so it made some weird sense to them to spread out their money and investments. Plus, mom had her checking account, dad had his - then there was "the house" checking account. Then when dad started having problems doing math and would mess up his checking account he decided to open another checking account at a different bank so he could let one sit through a statement cycle to get the correct balance. Now - just one - count 'em- one checking account. And it's at my bank so I can make one trip to the bank when I need to go. Like I said - it's a project getting things whittled down but sooo worth it once it's done.

lbt2parents...we are all on the same ship, different cabins. I'm very fortunate my doctor asked how I was doing, handed me a box of tissue, prescribed antidepressants. I feel like I'm out in the ocean. Just sea and sky. I go between hoping for some miracle rescue and getting a game plan in my head. Like just take one step at a time and swim in one direction, stay focus, keep my eye on the prize. But its so hard. I'm scared and tired. The day is hot and I long for the coolness of night. Of course night time comes with it darkness. I fight the thoughts of just letting go, floating away, letting the ocean take me. I have to live, my mother is straped to my back.
The med's have not changed my circumstance, fixed my life or help me drop the weight I've gained but dred and helplesdness don't f*ck with me all day. Sure I'm very sad for myself and my mom and not only is there so much to do, there's all the stuff I didnt do ( some of it is looking at me now) ☺
I wish you clarity, peace and happiness. You can do this girl!!!!

OMG! Rainmom, great suggestions. My paperwork situation is very similar. I need to try to condense it and work on it one day a month. Thank you!!!!!!

All of your comments are well received, thank you.

Frustrated, I will try your suggestion, I understand it's okay to do just a little at a time and the pile will reduce in time. I just need to "start"...is the key!

Sorry for not going into detail about my parents, I didn't want to share a novel. LOL! Yes, they are independent, BUT they can't be left alone too long.

My parents are not competent enough to do the paperwork on their own. I stopped doing their paperwork about 3 months ago, the pile is now 3ft tall (no exaggeration). The bills are paid by auto pay, but sometimes issues arise. For example, we had an underground water leak of 400 gals per day loss. We didn't learn about it until we received the water bill...yikes! It has recently been fixed.

Long distance caregiving is not an option. My parents live in a rural area, with no public transportation. As well as, Dad has Parkinsons in his legs (not arms), so he is unstable. However, Dad still walks a treadmill for 10 min daily, while hanging onto the arm bars. I insist he carry his cell phone, because he has fallen in the yard twice and needed help getting up. He has called me to help in up once.

Mom has PPA and early Dementia. She has lost 80% ability to speak words due to PPA, Primary Progressive Aphasia. She has unpredictable temper tantrums; which causes Dad and I to walk on eggshells around Mom. 2 weeks ago she hit me, out of frustration, while she was trying to find the words to express herself about giving Dad a warmed cup of prune juice. Mom often yells at Dad and I saying, "I not stupid!" Mom has hearing aids, but doesn't use them. Often my mother has a misunderstanding, because she doesn't hear well and her brain actually puts in wrong words, which I saw during a computerized hearing test. My mother doesn’t like anything technical, so no computer or tablet use to help her speak.

Also, my Dad is showing more signs of short term memory loss, which was confirmed last month by his Parkinsons doc. A couple of months ago, while I took my Mom food shopping, my Dad let a stranger into the house and told her all about our family. She said she was a financial advisor and was in the neighborhood visiting anyone home. When I got home I immediately called her and asked her to never stop at our house again.

My Dad spends his day in the yard, scraping moss off tree branches. My Mom spends her day doing puzzles or Sudoku or reading. My Mom swears like a truck driver when she is frustrated, for example when struggling to open a jar. Dad gets upset when he hears her say S..t and asks that she stop, but she replies with..."OK I (will) say F..k." Needless to say, there used to be a lot of verbal confrontation. It has slowed down after my move home, due to me advising Dad to just let it go...it's Mom's PPA and Dementia. He has learned to stop confronting her.

As a way to keep my mother involved with daily life's responsibility, we have her make breakfast and lunch for the two of them. It's not the greatest and sometimes it's burnt or she leaves the burner on. My Dad and I feel it's okay and we keep an eye on the burners.

So...they don't need 24 hr care and yet they can't be on their own. I know there are many caregivers out in the world that have a very hard life. I'm grateful for how things are right now and understand it will get harder. By the way, my husband understands and is supportive of what I'm doing, since he has lost both parents and miss them a lot. He sometimes forgets I need him as my sounding board, especially when I'm in tears...

Thank you everyone for your support. I'm feeling "a little" motivated and will try to spending at least 1 hour working on paperwork tomorrow.

You are not alone
I did not have more than a day away in 8 years and now that mom is in memory care I can barely get to work for being so tired and worried all the time and cannot afford the private caregivers that are with her for 12 hours a day knowing that she will be at risk without them - there is no good solution

It always strikes me - the odd coincidence of someone posting pretty much what I've been thinking, the same day. A little different here - I've been thinking - fantasizing- about running away from home. It just gets so overwhelming at times - the feeling that everyone wants/expects a piece of me - all the time. I've even gotten irritated that I have to take the dogs out first thing upon getting up. Can't I just have a frickin' cup of coffee first - before I have to start the fetching and toting? Regarding the paperwork, itb- is there any way to condense and simplify? When I took over my parents "stuff", they had accounts at several banks, investments with four different brokers etc. it took forever to sort mail, balance check books, pay bills...So I made it a project to condense and simplify- which in itself was biting off a big chunk to chew. Now since there is so much less to deal with I can let it sit - just glance at moms mail when it comes to make sure I'm not missing something time sensitive - but then it goes into a cupboard- out of sight - and I deal with it the last Sunday of the month. I use to think I had to deal with the stuff as soon as it came in, then I'd procrastinate, then feel bad about procrastinating...an endless cycle of feeling stuck in quicksand. Now I know I can do it in one day - the world didn't end when I stopped balancing the checkbook to the penny and it has helped. Now, if I could just get my hubby, son, dogs, mom to save up whatever it is they want from me and just ask me on the last Saturday of the month...

ltb2parents~I'd enjoy eating potatoe chips with you! Lol! You've been given some wonderful suggestions, hope you don't mind mine.

To me, being a bit more "serious" here. It's taking one day at a time & doing whatever you're able to accomplish within it. Yes, things pile up, as they can do within our lives. Believe me, I live it daily. However, we do the best we can, with what the Good Lord's given us. Maybe, suggestion here. Start small & work your way up to the "bigger projects" that aren't completed yet. When you go to the park, to enjoy some free time, take 1 thing with you, nothing too major, that you can accomplish while enjoying the day. Maybe, just set aside "x" amount of time, to get what you know you need to do. That way, each day, you're "knock out" whatever you know has to be done, filed, or what not. The pile will disappear, after "x" amount of time & you accomplish what you wanted to.

We all need to take time for ourselves, we just have to make sure we're also getting things accomplish in the meanwhile. :)

I personally have an inner paralysis that keeps me from doing things. There are several reasons for the paralysis -- some I know and others I don't. It basically comes down to that I am living someone else's life and not my own. I have tried doing my work and keeping my own life going. It hasn't been easy. My work requires that I have my muse with me. Someone has beaten my muse up and chased it away. I keep trying to work, but I do need to find my muse again to put the enthusiasm back in.

Itb, I wondered if your parents are still independent, could you direct them how to cleanup their own paperwork. Could they write and cancel all the bug contracts? Or is it easier for you to do it? When I have this type thing to do, I make myself do it first so I can put it behind me. Then I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have a feeling that if you don't get it done before your respite that you'll worry the entire time you're gone. In your shoes, I would enjoy the weekend ahead, then get busy on the paperwork Monday. You should be able to get it all done pretty quickly and not have to worry anymore.

I think a part of feeling unmotivated is that we're all "waiting." Waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next fall, the next hospital visit, the next illness, and ultimately, the next death. Not knowing what will happen, how things will unfold, or when things will happen makes one very tentative about doing anything.

Once something happens, I'm a tornado in action. But most of the time, I have to fight my inertia and my desire to just sit and metaphorically wait.

Hi!

Can they help you with the paperwork then? If the only or major problem is no driving for them, can they do some of the stuff? Like............making manila folders, and compiling same type of paperwork together for you?
How able are they?
THere are all kinds of levels.................Mom was awesome back when, but now, even separating clothes hangers PLASTIC from WIRE is such a huge confusing endless complicated chore for her.

Use the abilities your parents do have still to your advantage, and they will feel useful! believe me.

NINE MONTHS....................................well, like you said, you promised.

However, you promised in marriage to your hubby to STICK to him thru thick and thin, correct?

He has priority, I have to say. The government and agencies, etc., see about the welfare of the aged.

The sooner you snap out of this rut you fell into, the sooner you can go home.

Parents will be cared for, by YOU, but YOU are going to do it REMOTELY...........from your house with your hubby at your side. Not a good idea to leave your mate for too too too long a time.

What do you think?

M 8 8

M88, I moved 9 months ago.

Thank you everyone for your comments. My parents are still somewhat independent, except no more driving. It's the paperwork that is piling up quickly and I can't hire someone to it. I just need to sit down, do the paperwork, solve all the problems, complete the majority of the never ending task lists, and then breathe. For example: they have 9 termite/pest contracts.

Thank you freqflyer for your supportive comment and suggestions. I made the mistake of promising to take care of them at their home and I cannot break my promise. I'm hoping I'll soon find a way to snap out of this funky feeling, since the "To Do List" is getting bigger the longer I delay.

They can get part time home health paid for by Medicare and private pay or medicaid if the qualify for the other days. You need to be with your husband, living life.

Oh FreqFlyer!

I am your #1 fan.

You write like I think. I write like I don´t think........haha.... just a little humor here.

That "feeling", ltb calls it a "funky feeling" is what I have all day and night.

For the past 5 yrs., since mom came to live here with us, I have had NO life, but for a very very very few times of respite, like once per year, 2 days, when M_ _ _ A came to stay with her. Other than that..............it is the guilt trip to the "N" power.

You guys, you won´t believe THIS, here I sit in the office typing, and SHE CAME TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR.....................THIS IS A FIRST.....................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

NOT A HAPPY CAMPER........................I WILL GO SEE WHAT SHE COULD NEED SINCE 10 MINUTES AGO WHEN I LAST SAW HER......................

I LOVE HER.

I HATE THE CONTROLLING POWER OVER ME.

M88

Welcome to the club.... club Med it is not... that feeling is very common among a lot of us. I have found myself stalling at doing things, too. So many things have been put off.

I see from your profile you moved across country to be with your parents, away from your hubby and the cats. It's terrible when we find ourselves enabling our parents so that they can continue to live their lifestyle while we have to make major changes to our own lifestyle..... it's not fair.

Ask your self, what if you weren't around, what would your parents do? I asked my parents [mid to late 90's] and they said "we would manage".... good grief, they couldn't manage with me living down the street from them. Mom refused caregivers. Refused cleaning crews. Refused to take a taxi. Refused to use a walker.

If only I could re-wind the past 7 years, I would do things so much differently. I would have not enabled my parents to keep living in that house with all those stairs. Someone was always falling. My parents were in denial they needed help. They never took care of their parents so they had no idea how much stress they were putting me thought. It was totally overwhelming. I can't image what you are going through being under the same roof.

Time to let Mom and Dad know you need to go home to your own family. Mom should understand this if her memory is still ok. Time to look around for caregivers to come in, if your folks can afford it. Or it is cheaper to move into Assisted Living. If not look into Medicaid, they would pay for continuing care facility. I know, not easy putting a love one into a "nursing home", it's either them or you will wind up in one, or your parents will outlive you.