How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

Thank you, SS - reading your kind supportive words is an enormous blessing for me. I just told her today that I wasn't going to stop by again for a few days but if she needs anything, give me a call and I'd be glad to help. My heart aches leaving her there alone - she is so pitiful but also incredibly mean and hateful and so ungrateful for any good. I told my husband I feel like I've been in a cage fight with Satan - the more I tell her I love her, the nicer I am, the worse things have gotten. What makes me feel the most sad and totally defeated is that it's just a matter of hours before she is either back in the hospital or dead. She cannot manage on her own due to extreme confusion and paranoia, and will hit her lifeline button several times a day when having delusions - ambulance comes and then she screams at them to get out. I've contacted every agency and they all say the same thing - w/o POA or guardianship, she's got the right to do as she pleases. Another obstacle is that I live in a small town in Wyoming where resources are limited and the culture supports the "every man to himself mentality." The doctor suggested getting a court order but said that is timely and costly due to attorney fees, and he told us last week to just wait til she puts herself back in the hospital. My husband and I were stunned - he acted like he couldn't care less what happens. So it hasn't only been a battle with her, but a battle with the system. I've written my brother emails telling him what is going on and asked him to call her (he's the prodigal son) because she favors him and was thinking maybe she'd listen to him, and he refuses because he doesn't want anything to do with her. My experience with him is that I've let go - I just ask him for help and if he doesn't respond or refuses, I leave it alone because the more I've tried to reason with him in the past, it only made things worse - we have no power over anyone's behavior and my only peace comes in knowing that he will have to answer to God for his actions. Thanks again, SS - finding this board today has been like walking into a room filled with angels and thank God for all of you who are sharing your stories. I never could've imagined the stress and strain and burden we are experiencing until I encountered this situation first hand with my own mother, and I am reminding myself now that "this too shall pass." It is very sad for many of us that our parents last years, months, and days have come to this and many of us never had a mother or father who were loving and kind, nurturing parents. But this is our cross to bear and all we can do is pray that they will finally be at peace. At this point, that is all I'm praying for - peace - peace for her and peace for me and all of you here going through this same living hell.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Honest. I know having an elderly parent, no matter one's role is hard on everyone. It's hard for everyone to 'see' the same thing or even perceive the same thing and needless to say my sister(s) and I don't process information the same way.

"It is very sad for many of us that our parents last years, months, and days have come to this and many of us never had a mother or father who were loving and kind, nurturing parents" yup - can't change that and there comes a point that you can't do anything to help your mum. Mine has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic and trying to help her is a nightmare. She asks for help then rips strips off you for doing what she asked you to do and nothing is accomplished by your efforts except you wasted a lot of time amd energy and get hurt. She also simultaneously asks others to do the same thing so it gets very complicated. I have had to back out and will not get involved unless it is something critical and then only as I can. She is healthy and in assisted living and can manage very well but wants to be "waited on", My sister is a user and mother favors her and doesn't expect her to help. So be it. I have seen other loved ones taker a path of self destruction and that is their choice. It is very hard to sit back and watch them but not much you can do. You have made the offer. I read that the nicer you are the nastier she gets. You might take note of that and not be so "nice" but tell her directly how you feel. I pray that your gain acceptance of the situation and thereby peace. ((((((hugs))))♥

Emjo - My mother has exhibited the borderline traits also and that just adds to the crazy-making behavior I'm dealing with. When she was discharged from the hospital three weeks ago, I worked tirelessly with the hospital social worker to set up caregiving support, physical therapy, got her a walker, etc. A few days ago, I was doing my "shift" and just walked in - she told me she had called the agency and "discharged" the caregivers who were scheduled to come because she doesn't need them. Then she told me to call the other agency and change the schedule because she needed them for two hours each day instead of one. So I did - put the case nurse on speaker phone so mom could talk also and hear the entire conversation. Then the next day, I show up for my shift again and she asked me who changed the schedule - she doesn't want or need caregivers coming in for two hours and is going to "fire" them. I am also paying a private caregiver to come in and she said she was going to tell her not to come and that she can refuse service. I snapped - I said what is wrong with you?!! I can't figure out if she knows what she is doing and doing it just for attention due to her narcissistic PD or if the dementia is causing her to forget what she did or if it's a combination? But at this point, I'm coming to terms that it doesn't matter the cause because there is no solution other than to limit contact as much as possible and watch her sink her own ship. Thank you for sharing that information with me - helps me to realize that no matter what I do will never work and that I'm in a no-win situation.

((((((givingup)))))) I have found that you can work yourself ragged and it is brushed off, What you wrote is very familiar. Mother doesn't have dementia but she does have some age related memory loss and yet some things she remembers very well so you never know if it is part of the "game" or what. Either way you have to deal with it. I have had something similar with my mum - she has been pestering the assisted living management to bring her her special foods as she has a touchy stomach and has asked several people including myself to get involved, call the management etc etc. All this has been done for her. and I can't say the service has been very good but she manages. She just came out of hospital and the management went up to visit her and discuss her food needs and she sent them away and asked me to sort it out or it will cost us??? a lot of money. She didn't find out what they were offering to do or how much money it would cost. I have seen the dining room menu and there are things there she could eat but I think she feels it is "below" her to eat in the dining room with the others. I don't intend to do anything. She also asked me to send her $1000 to help with the after hospital care. Her finances are fine according to her financial advisor and she really does not need any more care now than she was getting before. She has housekeeping, can get laundry done, has someone shop for her and do a little cooking and has had several weeks in a rehab hospital so she is in decent shape. (hip surgery). With her touchy stomach she has a meal of boost, lots of juices, a bit of fresh fruit, some rice and a little fish - not much cooking involved - she has a microwave. I am not even answering that one. None of it makes any sense! I did go and look after her after her gall bladder surgery about 10 years ago and it was a nightmare. We totally unnecessarily spent Christmas morning in the ER of a large downtown hospital surrounded by street people. When she finally let me contact her doctor he said it was not a good place for her and that she should go home. She had thrown up and that was from eating pickled herring, lamb chops and other rich food right after having her gall bladder out but she would not listen to me about what she should eat. aaaaargh!!!!

Wow I am very pleased by all of your posts. I say this because you all are truely loving straight from your souls. I thought people like us were a dying breed. Selfishness and greed are the bottom of the list. What really matters is family unity and care for others.
I could tell you a long story about what I went through with my family and thier attitudes but you all know first hand...same stuff different family.

Every story is different, yet uniquly the same. Like I said I took on the responsibility because I am the youngest of my 2 siblings and had no college or career and just married with a child. They kind of threw it at me saying that I have no clock to punch or boss to deal with.

In a way they took complete advnatage of me for over 10+ years. I feel bad for them. They were always there when holidays came most of the time. But I have to be my mom's support for the rest of the year. We talk on the phone at least 5 times a day my sis and bro, not once have called her. She feels heart-broken about the changes as do I but what can you do.

Get a cordless phone. Somewhere in one of those daily conversations with your sis and bro hand the phone to your mother to talk with them.

The food issue is also one I have been dealing with and what I'm realizing is that most of these behaviors are about power and control - all part of the narcissistic personality disorder and sense of entitlement. People are just objects for them to manipulate and if I don't do it, she'll find someone else. The hardest part for me has been the lies - telling caregivers how horrible I am and that I won't do anything for her and telling caregivers I pushed her down and other horrible things that she just makes up to get attention and project the things that are actually true about her. I live in a small town and these kinds of things are very destructive and I'm humiliated by how awful my mother acts toward medical staff, bank staff (she calls yelling at them because her statement hasn't arrived), etc. I'm just so worn down but today is a new day and I'm taking three days off from her to detach emotionally and regroup. My challenge is to learn how to set really firm boundaries and limits - no easy task with an emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother but I'm determined to heal and grow from this experience. Thank you for sharing your experiences - helps me to put things in perspective and very validating.

Dearest Giving Up, I remember as a child being so humiliated by my Mother's behavior toward people out in the community. It made me be overly nice to others, being the Libra balancer I am:) I wish just one of the therapists I went to from the age of 28 until 58 had recognized the torment, but, Mother always corrected herself when put on the spot. Now at 94, she is revealing her true nature. Dementia is allowing her repressed thoughts that she never expressed constructively to erupt. I guess that's a good thing for her? I don't know anymore.
All I know about you, Giving Up, is you are a compassionate and good person. You are NOT your Mother, and I am not mine. Others who matter know this, God knows this, and He also knows why we had to go through this for so many years. It is only a portion of what we have experienced, and we have many Blessings, too, that others do not. I hug you warmly, my friend. We must detach from the pain. Love, Christina

where is kdutches ? she hasnt posted anymore . hope all is well with her ...

Setting really firm boundaries and sticking to them is not easy. I have written some out for myself and saved them on my computer desktop and vowed to read them when I feel like caving or getting "hoovered in" as someone phrased it. It might be worth priinting them off and putting them in another really visible place. As you say, givingup, your mum finds others to do things for her anyway - mine too. Yes it is about power and control - almost totally and when you recognize that you have tools to deal with it. Mother has a repertoire which extends from threatening, anger, cajoling, pleading, trying to embarass me, telling other how I am not helping her and if she can involving them to try to force me to do what she wants, and so on. This has gone on for years. She plays people against one another if you let her. Her behaviour when I was younger and closer was hard to take and embarrassing too. I can see that it is hard in a small community however I hope you can see that anyone with any sense will soon realize that your mother has a "problem" and that you are not part of that problem. Separate yourself from her and know that you are OK even when she is not, She has a disease and that does not reflect on you. if anyone thinks it does, they are not worth knowing anyway. There is a book and workbook called Stop walking on Eggshells" that might be helpful - there is a workbook you can order with it. It was recommended to me some one on agingcare and I found it on line. Christina, you make a good point about becoming a people pleaser - that happens to us and we have to heal from that to become whole. ((((hugs)))) and love ♥ Joan

Well, emjo, there are many people who I do NOT please, so I'm not worried about it!! Haha

Thanks, emjo - I'm going to check out the book because the title so aptly fits how I feel. And you are right about the tools - I've seen her use all of the above and more. One I've learned about is called "splitting" - a psychological term in which they see people as all good or all bad and within a second, my mom goes from thinking someone is wonderful to full blow scorn for them. Having been conditioned since childhood to be a "people pleaser" by a narcissistic mother, it definitely takes time to unlearn that I was taught a lie, and that is not my purpose in life. Still trying to unravel the lie and release the guilt she has imposed on me for not living my life to serve her, but it is getting easier by the day to say "NO - enough already!" : )

splitting - Oh yes - black and white thinking - people are either wonderful or dreadful. A couple of years ago my daughter, my sister and myself were rotated between 3 roles - the golden child, the one who didn't matter and the black sheep. We laughed about it. I preferred the black sheep as i was most used to that. My sister has gone back to pleasing my mother, so I have to stay away from her too. We do have to unlearn that lie and others. As far as guilt goes, you have paid your dues and are entitled to your own life - without that kind of stress imposed on you. Life is hard enough anyway. Glad it is getting easier by the day - means you are getting healthier :). Christina - good - some people you don't want to be pleasing to! It is not good for you. ((((hugs))))♥ Joan

What do you do when you've asked, begged, cried, texted, emailed, EVERYTHING including yelling and threatening to walk away and NOTHING changes? I feel trapped. I feel stuck. I am caring for my grandfather and like others have said, I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything. However, my Mom had surgery 5 weeks ago and still needs care giving of her own. It's not 24/7 like right after surgery but the doctor said she should still not be alone for long periods of time. I don't feel comfortable leaving her, the doctor doesn't want me to leave her, and my grandfather (her father) doesn't want me to leave her BUT her the one brother who was here while she healed informed us, via text message yesterday, that he was leaving tomorrow so I was expected back to my grandfathers. When I said I wouldn't be back yet because my own mother needed me, I was told, point blank, if I walked away I wouldn't be allowed back to even visit my grandfather, ever. Personally, I want to call their bluff, my Mom is freaking out and said I can't do that because we'll both be disowned. SO WHAT??? These people aren't my family. My family is my best friend, my Mom, my brother/sis-in-law and nieces... not these people who are mean, nasty, and selfish. AH! I'm at such a loss as the right thing to do? My own panic disorder (well controlled for over 15 years) is in over drive and no amount of meds is helping.

Siblings who don't visit their parents who loved them unconditionally all their lives anger me to the core. My parents both continue to defend my brother and make excuses for my brother even if he never visits him and trusts him with all their legal and financial affairs. Now at 91 with dementia, his parents struggle daily to live on their own. My husband and I struggle with our resources to make sure they can live as comfortably and independently as possible. We have a handicapped autistic son of our own and are still working. We know that when all is said and "gone" my brother will be there for their resources. I read everyone's posts and feel their extreme resentment and anguish towards siblings that show no respect, honor and gratitude towards their parents and their unconditional love for them. Though it is extremely disturbing and I have faith at the end, goodness will prevail. All of us who continue to love and honor our parents despite the actions of our siblings will always have HIS grace.

I love telling the following story, call it my little revenge if you will. I almost feel justified in telling the following little tale considering I was always seen as the black sheep when growing up. Maybe you'll see why in a moment?
The story--When I was 12 my mother had given me a order to go downstairs and get something (can't remember what now) from the landlord. My aunt, who was actually just my mother's best friend not actually related, was visiting that day and when they thought I had left the apartment I overheard my aunt tell my mom, "You better spend more time bonding with Brenda, because Vickie is going to grow up and hurt you one day. Vickie is just going to turn her back on you and never look back." I wasn't surprised my aunt said it, she was always cutting me down. However, it still hurt my feelings a great deal.--end of story.
The irony in all this is that my sister lives in another state that is a 13 hour drive, one way. I live in the home with my mother and care for her daily. My sister use to call our mother once a week. Now she can hardly remember to call on Mother's Day. This year she remembered the day after and only after I had sent her a text message inspiring guilt.
I feel the resentment, but not as much as I use to. I have tried giving my sister ideas on how to help out from a distance and I still try to involve her. My sister drops the ball every step of the way. Then I make excuses for her. What else can I do? I don't want to hate her, she's the only family I have other than my daughter.

My parents lived with my aunt who never married until earlier this year when she entered a foster home. They were all I ever had. I was alwas second best to my youngest brother who could "never do any wrong". Eddie boy, the middle child died when he was 12. He would have been 54 had he lived. Golden boy wouldn't be so golden had Eddieboy angel lived. In certain cultures the sons are always favored over the daughters no matter what. So, no matter how dutiful, and successful the daughters are, they can never seem to please nor earn the trust compared to the sons. These 3 old people were all I ever had too. So I prayed for them every day and did everything humanly possible to please them for 25 years.
Yet, at the end, they trusted their finances and trusts to HIM, the golden son. Who now does not visit nor care about them but controls all their money. Still, I dutifully
care for them for I care for and love them very much. Trust that god knows the truth on who really loved these people unconditionally. Trust that in the end,
good will prevail. I know it takes a lot of faith. Keep on believing.

When my mother-in-law first found out she had Alzheimer's she didn't want to tell her two other children. I told her if she let them know about what was happening to her, they would be able to help her. Boy, was I wrong! The moment she told her daughter, who used to visit her every weekend. The visits stopped immediately! When she did come to visit she screamed at her mother the whole time, telling her if she tried harder she would be able to remember things. She told her it was all her mother's fault for not trying harder.
The brother that lived out West never called me to find out how his mother was doing, he would call his sister who never visited the mother and she would tell him things were fine. I was told he called his sister once a month to check up on his mother. When I contacted him and told him that his sister rarely visited his mother and he was welcome to contact me, he continued to contact his sister. I'm guessing he'd rather hear her fairytales then the truth. Some people just don't care and no matter what you do or say won't change that. My mother-in-law was a very sweet person and I live my life knowing I did everything possible to help her. Her children missed out as far as I'm concerned and they should be ashamed for abandoning their own mother in her time of need.

I couldn't agree more that family meetings, assigned jobs and good communication DO NOT help if your siblings respond like mine have. I have tried it all at this point with no success and am in to an acceptance mode ( doesn't mean I like it, just trying to save my energy to help my 97 year old mom). I am finding somewhat that by trying to get beyond incredible resentment I am opening myself up to being more aware of the people who are there for me (even paid) who are truly caring people coming into my life. Like they say, being resentful is like wishing poison on your sibling and then drinking it yourself. I think in most cases you can't hope for them to change.

My motto is : I shouldn't have to tell grown people to come and or phone their mother..Wow "woopty doo" you called her on Mother's Day or sent flowers(with no phone call) but never come over or call any other day of the year... I have to do what makes me feel good about myself..They have to live with their choices not me!!

We all will be accountable for our actions someday-you can not make an adult son call his mother-of course she will say oh he is so busy-doing what he is retired.

We just this week moved my 84 year old mother to the rental house next door to us. We totally scored--the landlord almost had it rented to someone else, but since he knew us, he rented to us--even lowered the rent for my mom! I agreed to pay for about a third of her rent so she could move closer and afford it. We have been working nonstop for days packing and moving, hauling and unloading, cleaning. Now we are unpacking and hanging curtains, setting up everything. Mom just doesn't have the "oomph" to do any of this anymore. I called my sister and said we would appreciate help in packing on a weekend. She just said "oh?" and promptly changed the subject. She called a few days ago, and said "I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you" to which I replied, "I thought you were!" And she proceeded to expound on how busy she was with her children (teenagers in high school) and how her son was so good at basketball and blah blah blah. I love my sister, but it's difficult. I make sacrifices to balance life with my husband and kids. My sister just doesn't want to help. Period. She thinks only of herself, and always wants my mother to come visit her so Mom can see her grandkids in their activities. Which is great, but...When my mother does visit, my sister doesn't think of Mom's difficulty walking, needing to eat on a regular basis, how fixed her income is (we joke about my sister always saying "I forgot my wallet") and then Mom pays for meals out (cause my sister hates to cook). It is hard to love my sister. If I mention something, it is always MY problem, not hers. Clueless. But she will be the first in line when the "estate" is settled, I'm sure. In reality, it will be a negative balance. I fantasize about giving her a Christmas card saying, "Your Christmas gift this year and for always is this: I am taking care of your elderly mother with no expense or trouble to you."

This happens most often and even in my parents generation. My Aunt took care of my grandmother and I had to force my parents to go sit with her so that my Aunt and Uncle could go out for a "dinner/movie date". Now it is me who has taken in my mother and my siblings have abandoned me. Although they still call her when they want money (she has none left to give) they offer no help and have even told her she is not welcome to stay in their homes. I don't talk with them and have recently moved 500+ miles away and took my mother with me. We used to live 6 miles away from my siblings and they never helped. I too understand and feel resentment as my entire life and the lives of my children have changed. My marriage was destroyed yet my siblings go on living with no change in their behavior, finances, living arrangement's or lifestyles. I no longer have a life as my mother cannot be left alone for any longer than a few hours. I sympathize with you and we could "vent" over coffee if you were close.

On the positive side, when it comes time your parent passes on, YOU will have no regret, no guilt and be at peace yourself. Your siblings on the other hand will not have that. I have decided that once my mothers time comes, that will be the last time they hear from or see me.

oh nooooo.. I was doing so good forgetting about my lazy selfish siblings and just getting on with life when I hit very big wall, and all the negative feelings came back to me and I flipped out. I've had a very stressful time lately with my mother falling and breaking her ribs, father in the NH demanding to come home even though he's insane, doesn't walk and can't feed himself, doing his laundry, doing her grocery shopping, errands, meds, Depends, you name it. Then I got sick.Then my brother called and said, "So what's up?" What's up I said!!!! R u kidding me???? Do you think visiting your parents 3 times in 4 years is OK? R u really ok with that? How about giving a shit about me and how I am doing for a change!! Then he hung up on me. I lost my shit. I guess I'm not over how much I hate them. I have to get my shit together.

-SS

I agree with everything already said here, sometimes, most times, getting siblings involved is actually so hard and time consuming and emotionally draining, that it's just not worth it. Rarely, but sometimes, cold hard figures and the financial responsibility will finally get through to siblings.

So, I always suggest the following:

Private sitters range from $7.50 - $50.00 AN HOUR according to where you live.

Nursing Homes range from $4,000.00 to $15,000.00 per month based on where you live..

So, for private sitters, take the low financial cost of $10.00/hr times 24 hours in a day comes to $240 per day times 7 days in a week brings us to $1,680.00, so for one year's costs that's 52 weeks times $1,680.00 brings us to $87,360.00! Tell your siblings they either start forking over SOME MONEY and PHYSICAL HELP or you will be forced to hire someone to do this and that each sibling will be billed for their fair share, so if there are three siblings total including you, that comes to $29,120.00 per year. So, if she stays in your home, the siblings other than you have to pay you everything over your fair share of the $87,360.00 so you can hire a sitter when you need one, and that money they pay you will also be spent to pay for sitters or respite care so you can take time off one day a week to spend time with friends and go to your children's ballgames or activities, for one weekend getaway a month with your family and two week long family vacations a year. Trust me, just to remain sane and keep your family together and to have any friends, you owe this to yourself.

So, for the Nursing Home route, take the low financial side of $5,000.00 per month which brings the total care costs for your Mother to only $60,000.00 per year, or $20,000.00 per sibling per year (again, based on 3 siblings). But, keep in mind, NH do not provide phone or phone service, TV or cable service, patient's family is required to provide toiletries, either do or pay the facility for laundry services, and you're still responsible for paying for her medicines, medical bills for physician services and tests, etc. This route could actually end up costing you and your siblings over $100,000.00 per year OR MORE if your Mom has a lot of extra expenditures. If your Mother is indigent, you can get her on Medicaid, but do this quickly because Medicaid rules are changing under the Affordable Care Act (better known as Obamacare). Also keep in mind, that if your Mother owns an Estate of any kind, a home and furnishings, etc. that Medicaid Expense Recovery Program (known as MERP) steps in once your Mother passes away. They can and WILL make the "heirs" either pay back ALL MEDICAID EXPENSES your Mother incurred, or force the heirs to sell the Mother's property and MERP will take all of the proceeds up to the amount owed. The home has to be sold at today's market prices or MERP can require the rest of the bill to be covered by the "heirs". So, a sibling can't buy the family home back for anything less than fair market value. Also, if the home or her estate has been "given" to family members within the last few years (I believe it's 7 years at this time) Medicaid will not cover your Mother until the people who received your Mother's gifts have paid the Nursing Home the equivalent of the fair market price of the gift. This too, is getting stickier now that ACA/Obamacare is taking effect as Medicaid is going to be harder to get as the focus of elderly care goes more to the family rather than the government.

Many states have archaic Filial Responsibility Laws which means the children can be held responsible for paying for their parents' Nursing Home debt. Although these laws have not been used in years, many states are brushing them off and revising them, so children need to be aware if their parent lives in one of these states. (For a list of states with these archaic laws on the books go here: If your Mother's state is on this list, you have added fuel for your argument for physical help from your siblings, as well as to get them to start forking over some cash to help you out.

Here is a RECENT case where a Pennsylvania man was forced to pay for his Mother's nursing home bill. He had siblings, but none of them were forced to cover any of the expenses, just the one son who the nursing home proved had enough money to cover it. So, please, get yourself some legal advice from an Elderly Care Attorney NOW so this doesn't happen to you should you have to put your Mother into a facility. http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-07/could-you-be-forced-pay-moms-nursing-home-bill

GOD BLESS YOU and your Mother for what you are going through. I've been there (25 years, 15 of checking on Mom three to four times daily while she lived alone to be sure she was well fed, taking her medicine, bathing, clean house, take to doctor and grocery and hospital - and 10 years of full-time care in my home.) Believe me, I know what you're going through (my brother bought Mom one meal in the ten years she lived with me and that's all he ever did for her other than constantly harp at me, especially if I asked him for a break or God forbid, for some money - which he actually agreed to cover half of her expenses but I never saw a dime of it.) So, when you do the above, make the siblings sign that they agree to pay their fair share of the NH or sitters' fees and that the money is to come to you out of each of their paychecks. Otherwise, they'll stiff you just like my worthless brother did me. (Yeah, I'm still bitter and Mom died in 2004. I accept that my brother was worthless, I just can't forgive him for turning his back on Mom. What he did to me was never the issue, but to turn his back on Mom when she needed him to help her to me is just unforgivable.)

I'm grateful to read these posts. I've been consumed with resentment towards my sibs regarding my mother's care. I've felt very alone. Learning how common this issue is in other families oddly gives me some comfort. It's been stomach-turning stressful, and I'm someone who generally takes very good care of myself, but I have a family - 2 kids - a job, and an seriously ailing parent who lives with us. Both of my sibs have no children, sometimes no job, and lots and lots of instability in their own lives. Both are completely broke and unable to face reality. I feel like I'm talking with children when I talk with them and we are all beyond middle age. I pray for relief from resentment towards them - I struggle with it more and more. It's demoralizing asking them to help because they don't "get" the issues and also feel that if they do something small "it's all good." They pat themselves on the back and tell everyone about how they are helping their poor mother. And yet it does not occur to them to ask me about her ongoing care, to have a family meeting, to do some planning for Mom, to discuss the complex issues, or to collaborate with caretaking - and I am WAY TOO TIRED to take the lead AGAIN and teach them these basic adult lessons. Our mom is well cared for - I'm very happy about that but there's a lot of bitter with the sweet. Ouch, ouch, ouch...

The best thing to do for yourself is to let it go and posted above it is like taking poison yourself-I tried to help my brother by trying to talk to his son and wife about taking care of him and it backfired-now he is so made at me and never wants to speak to me again-it is easier on you to just it is what it is and not expect others to see what is right before them-most people do not want t change their lifestyles and if they recognize what is in front of them they will have to change what they are doing and they just do not want to do that-and the sooner you realize they do not care and just do what you need to do you will be better off-there will be judgment day for every one to account for their behavior-we can only control us-it is not fair but that is the way it is-you can ask once for help and if you d not get it don't ask again-it will do no good except to upset you. 2 Tired gets it -it is what it is.

I'm so glad I was able to read all these posts. Just feeling you're not alone in your experiences is helpful to the psyche. My mother-in-law is 85 with Alzheimer's. She lives in a retirement mobile home park my husband and I moved her to a couple of years ago, and her 55-year old deaf son lives off of her as he has done for many years now. No intention of caring for her; just a free ride. My husband and I take care of all her needs; he's POA. We take care of finances, upkeep of home, food, cooking, etc. My husband has to remind his brother every time he goes over there of the things he needs to do, and he's just not realizing his living there depends on her ability to stay independent. She's had Alzheimer's for five years. Anyway, there are four additional siblings, two others local and one closer than us geographically, but everyone is too busy and happy with their own lives and are perfectly comfortable to leave absolutely everything to my husband and me. They don't even call to see how she's doing. Amazing. I am reading on here of all the guilt feelings because of resentment toward these types of siblings, no desire for relationship now or in future, but what else do you have in common if it's not your parents? So we just go on day by day and trust God that He is Sovereign over all things and He is good. I am truly thankful that my MIL has us, because if she didn't, she'd have no one.