Hubby handles all doctors appts 3/week and the usual ER visits as he is retired. His brother works full time and helps as much as he is able. His parents live alone, have limited resources and refuse to move. They are not able to drive and are past the point of caring for themselves. Sister in law "quit" helping when parents caused fights, I can't say I blame her. The parents lived with brother/wife until they insisted on going home. Parents' neighbor is a fantastic woman and does their food shopping/daily check-ins. I work full time and handle all medicine ordering, scheduling of dr's appointments.
I'm sick with guilt but we have no choice but to move.
Does anyone have any suggestions to help ease through this transition?
We're both sick over leaving his brother "holding the bag" and don't even know how to talk to him about it.
I think the conversation you need to have with BIL is about how the four of you (with SIL carefully insulated from direct contact, though she should certainly be free to contribute to the mind-map) create a united front in order to confront parents in law with the reality of their present and future needs.
If they wish to age in place, fine, good for them. But in that case they will very soon need a formal support structure; a support structure which must not rest on their children; and which they will need to fund.
This is not harsh, not even disrespectful or anything but loving. This is reality. They cannot base their security on groundless optimism or filial or neighbourly obligation.
Call your Office of Aging and ask what kind of resources are available for in-laws. It wouldn't be fair for neighbor to take this on.
Moral of the story? Talk to brother ASAP! Right now! I can tell that your intention is not to hurt or burden him, but that is exactly what is going to happen, and it will be even worse the longer you wait. And for heavens sake go in with a game plan. Research home health and assisted living. Call your local Aging resource center. Set up meals on wheels. Hire a housekeeper. You get my drift.
my brother holds mom’s POA for finance. He does all her banking/bills online. Your husband certainly could handle his parents finances in the same manor.
Your parents are fortunate to have an attentive neighbor. Hire her!!
This might be the time to start an application process for Medicaid if that is in the future.
It sounds like selling the house and looking for Assisted living is the only option that would make sense.
Have a "Family Dinner" and tell the siblings that you are going to have to move and bring up the options that would be acceptable. And as I see it it would be...
Sell the house and move in with a sibling.
Sell the house and move to Assisted Living.
Have a sibling sell their house and move in with parents.
You can not place your live in "suspended animation" you have to move on and do what is right for you. (by "you" I mean your family)
I suppose there is one other option..sell the parents house and move them with you. You could look for a house with an "in-law" suite so they have their space and you have yours. (Locking doors between!)
By the way you mention in your profile you are caring for your Mom..how will your move effect that?
Adult children should not be forced to give up their lives and their livelihoods to support the charade of independence that is going on here.
Brothers should certainly sit down and talk about this and then visit parents and tell them that they are going to have to make other arrangements; the adult children should of course HELP with making the arrangements, but they shouldn't be hostages, now should they?
I was even worse where my husband is concerned but have decided not to be so available and start looking after myself as well
1. Get their important paperwork in order. Durable power of attorney both medical and financial. Living wills - hard but very necessary discussion to have with them both.
2. Groceries - can they be delivered? The neighbor is nice to do this for them but they likely also need help preparing meals for themselves. Look into hiring someone to cook and freeze meals that can be warmed up. Nutrition students at the local college probably need money to pay for school. When I was doing this for my in-laws, I bought a dozen or more pieces of Corning ware at the thrift store. Each meal contained protein, lots of veggies, and a starch. Nowadays the frozen food aisle at the grocery store has many healthy "cook in bag" meals and sides.
3. Housekeeping - who cleans their house now?
4. Transportation - what options are in their area? And why on earth are they going to the doctor 3 times each week? Is it for dialysis? Please explain a little bit more.
Three weeks is enough time to get some them some help. It may not be perfect by the time you move, and that's okay. It'll be a good start toward getting your in-laws to accept reality.
My heart breaks for brother. There is no easy way. You may not only impacting him but the elders.
On the practical side I would connect with the local office on aging (call your city hall) or Area Agency on Aging asap and find out what resources are available to help the elders, i.e. transportation. Hiring private organizations to assist them will also cost, but if their income is low, they may qualify for assistance you are as yet unaware of.
If they are unable to take care of themselves then the burden will fall more on brother and if they do not cooperate with a change in housing the end result may be someone calling APS. I hope it is not their kind and caring neighbor. Bless her if she has the time and energy to do what she does.
You can still continue from wherever you are to do your part of scheduling appts and meds, but of course will need to communicate enough to find out when they are needed.
I well remember hearing the news when my only sibling decided she and her hubby were leaving for points south. That was 16+ years ago and she told me prior with such a cold lack of compassion (and it seems even now she rarely gives thought to her own older age and how she will manage without support considering she is now single without any children or real friends) that if mom and dad became unable to take care of themselves how I should put them in a home because I was entitled to a life too. And then she walked out to her car, handed me a potted plant, got in and took off. The image of her car turning the corner onto the main road forever pressed into my brain. Good luck to all of you, and especially brother. And you should, if things stay status quo, be prepared to donate some of your vacation time to returning and taking over so brother can vacation in peace.
relative to continuing to live where you are. Do not mention your guilt...just lay the situation out on the table...Then ask, "What can we do?"
God bless you.
Bob
Love your matter of fact approach. My engineer, black and white husband, would say what you did.
Me? The creative type, seeing all the gray areas envy his matter of fact approach to life.
We do balance each other in many ways though. Been married over 40 years!
And if you're going to be all preachy, here's a dose of your own medicine:
Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
- John 8
Yep, circumstances change and adjustments have to be made. It is the parents that should think of these things.
I had a unique situation. Had to take mom in because she lost home in Hurricane Katrina and it was traumatizing for her, me too, my childhood home. Anyway, in a vulnerable situation that was so emotional for us, neither of us were thinking clearly.
Ironically when a person is young, with or without kids needs to plan for future. We don’t want to think of that when we are younger. I know I wasn’t mature enough at a younger age to think about such matters!
Meaghan, you need to find what resources are available to DHs parents. Office of aging is a good start. If they are low income, then maybe homecare thru Medicaid. First talk to BIL and SIL soon. I get the impression if you could stay you would. Do in-laws really need appts 3x a week? Seems a little much. I cut back on some of Moms. Make a list of their needs. What will BIL be able to do and what not. Maybe SIL can work behind the scenes. Making appts, setting up transportation. There r senior buses. Then the boys go talk to parents. Explaining that things must change. If they have money, then maybe AL for them. Once they are in an AL the house can be cleaned out and sold for their care.
Get the mindset now, that you will probably have to make weekend trips home. I cleaned out a 2 story, walk in attic 125yr old Farmhouse where my Mom had accumulated 60 yrs of stuff. All by myself with help from DH with the heavy stuff. Still dealing with the house and Mom passed in 2017.
Great suggestions! As far as family helping though, you know how that goes. The ones who do the work, do it. The ones who don’t, they don’t do a thing. You are right, even just making phone calls would be a help but from my experience those who don’t help do absolutely nothing!
Ends up being more stressful trying to get them to help than just doing it themselves. Even if I dropped dead, I don’t think my brothers or SIL would ever say that they should have helped. They would most likely be upset that I died because then they would have to care for mom, which they wouldn’t. They most likely wouldn’t even research facilities. They would place her in first place they found.
By being in a NH all their needs are met. They have nurses and doctors right there.
I really would examine all these dr. visits. With Mom, a thickening was seen in her upper stomach. Went to a specialist, he ruled cancer out but saw her every six months to watch it. After no change, I asked if she could go once a year. Once she was in NH with Dementia, I dropped the visit. Same with her thyroid doctor. Once her numbers were normal for a few visits and NH doctor said he would check her numbers, I dropped his now yearly visits. Moms PCP had her coming every two months. Mom had no reason why. His nurse, a family friend, asked why Mom was there. I told her I had no idea but if he asks why I am not bringing her again unless she needs scripts renewed or she is sick. He asked me why she was there. Just a way to milk Medicare. My friend has RA and Fibromyalgia and a few other problems. She was going to at least 3 doctors. One of them told her he could handle all 3 of her problems.
Your answer echoes JoAnn and it is so true! You brought up many important issues.
he ran out of money and my brother and I (unbeknownst to each other) gave him $5K each then he went and took out a reverse mortgage on his house, $100,000 K, That lasted him one year
his grandson visited him for a couple of hours while he did his and his grandfather,s washing. Every Saturday That lasted until my father asked for payment for using his water
i was working full time and running around taking him to Dr, dental and hospital appointments
Then one day there was a knock on the door and it was my brother from London
He had come to force dad to sell his house which was now worth a lot of money but he didn’t have the money to keep it. Also time to stop him letting others look after him when he was capable of doing it for himself
the house was sold
all debts paid off, now totalling $150,000K
my friend told me there was an apartment up for sale at the retirement village where his mother was. Cost $20K extra to bring it up to scratch and really nice. It had a full time nurse panic button and dr came every week in clinic
Then I made him put the remainder of his money in a term deposit so he couldn’t touch it and got a cheque book with dual signatures which I used to pay his bills that were paid from interest earned on term deposit. I just rolled the principal over and over
He still Gambled but only had his fortnightly pension to do so
Then I found two non for profit agencies, one through council and one through local diocese of Anglican Church who would pick him up and bring him home from appointments for a very low cost
Because of his age(80) he was entitled to a cleaner for one hour a week who would clean bathroom, kitchen change bed linen and hang out wash
Then I got POA and Enduring Care
so I think the brothers could do a similar thing. Is the father eligible for Veterans Affairs services. Lots of good things there
there really is no need for guilt and recriminations They are very old now and can’t stay in their home without a lot of help. Their house is capital and they should be using it. You all need to be as one and let them know gently but firmly this is the way
indeed. It allows dignity and quality of life for all involved.
financially a bit if you can afford it, although hopefully the sale of their house and whatever other funds are available to them might be enough. Hopefully they will be able to fund their own care.
I also helped out an elderly neighbor couple for many years, but chose to bow out rather abruptly as I was expected to take on more and more responsibility. All of my efforts at creating real independence for them, such as in home care, remodeling home for mobility issues etc, were undone by a friend and a couple of relatives a few days later. Yet they all continued to expect me to take up the extra slack for them. The extra work I did was only made necessary due to lack of planning and ignoring needed changes for safety, so I quit doing most of it.
Had they remodeled their home and hired in home care they could have stayed safe and sound for many years. (it does not sound like your in laws can afford this option) Or gone to a nicely appointed AL facility. Instead their home became unlivable, they wore out folks like myself, (as like is true for many naysayers and nit pickers, the friend and relatives did almost no work). They became ill and ended up in a not so great facility with few options.
In other words, don't count on that neighbor for continuing to help out. And if your BIL's wife is already burnt out, the care giving team has effectively shrunk to
a party of one. It really is time for them to move and find more appropriate accommodations.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, your inlaws are choosing to stay in their home because they are not willing to do whatever is required to not be a huge burden to their children. That is on them.
I get wanting to stay in your home but I completely disagree that anyone can manipulate another to make this happen. And yes, refusing to do what is necessary is manipulating everyone you expect to step in and do for you because you can't and won't change.
I don't think it is anyone's responsibility to figure out what will be done to prop up this house of cards except the parents. Necessity is the mother of invention and when they are left to sort it out, they might make different decisions. As long as their children are propping them up they don't need to do anything different.
Tell you BIL that he shouldn't jump in and rescue them, let them figure it out. If they aren't able then they have no business staying in their house, time for a village.
Enjoy your relocation and I hope it works out well for you and your husband.
You have every right to move. He must talk to his brother, and then the two of them should approach their parents with insistence that things are going to change.
This "charade of independence" has lasted long enough.
They have a will- but they will not sign a POA - FIL is quite cognizant but adamant they are not leaving their home - period. BIL cannot bring himself to force the issue but my hubby is willing. They cannot agree- I wonder if he had to spend his retirement running them ---would it change his mind?
FIL gets all his care free from VA - we've explored all options with them. He has a paid for caregiver for 4 hours/week. It used to be 20 hrs/week but they cut hours at the end of 2018. She's lovely and cleans the house (of course not up to MIL's standards!) We're applied for monthly stipend from VA on an expedited status - tons of paperwork - he's a WWII vet. We're requesting help with his VA patient advocate for transport to appointments.
Once again, Hubby is sitting in ER with MIL this morning , this time severe stomach pain- 4:45 am wake up call from the neighbor with an ambulance.
We've explored all options with Social Services in this area and have an assigned Social worker. There is a huge wait list for everything from home care, transport, home nurses - everything. We've obtained some premium relief on Medicare premiums. They are not eligible for Medicaid- slightly over the financial limit. They do receive Meals on Wheels and of course - they don't like it.
They own their house outright. A tremendous amount of MIL's SS goes to more expensive meds every month. It is truly medicare fraud in my opinion. She sees kidney, lung, cardio, thyroid, gastro and primary GP- a constant new ache requires multiple visits/tests, etc. We've tried to rein this in but she's a hypochondriac who's convinced the next pill is the miracle cure. There's always the fear that this time she's really ill, not exaggerating the symptoms for attention which has happened more than once. Negative attention is still attention.
I had written awhile ago about my own parents who are quite a handful. I have 4 siblings and that is a huge help - one is a geriatric RN. They also have a much better financial picture and can afford the costs of aging. I'm sure this battle is coming with them, mom's ready for AL - Dad is adamantly against. We have POA over health & finances. We are also all in agreement that we will force the issue when needed.