Hubby handles all doctors appts 3/week and the usual ER visits as he is retired. His brother works full time and helps as much as he is able. His parents live alone, have limited resources and refuse to move. They are not able to drive and are past the point of caring for themselves. Sister in law "quit" helping when parents caused fights, I can't say I blame her. The parents lived with brother/wife until they insisted on going home. Parents' neighbor is a fantastic woman and does their food shopping/daily check-ins. I work full time and handle all medicine ordering, scheduling of dr's appointments.
I'm sick with guilt but we have no choice but to move.
Does anyone have any suggestions to help ease through this transition?
We're both sick over leaving his brother "holding the bag" and don't even know how to talk to him about it.
If your in-laws expect their children to drop everything in order to get them through yet another "emergency" but not change anything about what brings them to the point of "emergency", that's unreasonable.
When I faced similar stubbornness and denial in my in-laws, I started conversations with my husband about what I saw his parents' reality to be. I noticed things about how my in-laws were aging that my husband either wasn't seeing or didn't want to acknowledge. And the list only got longer with time.
We did as much as we could for them for as long as we could in order to keep them in their home but it burned both of us out. My in-laws started declining rapidly. Everyone was unhappy or depressed. We ran out of places to install grab bars!!! Yet they refused to face reality.
I did their grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. in addition to waking up at 3 a.m. worried about calamity would befall us that day. I burned myself out and got so sick that it took me a year to recover. I also told my husband that caregiving for his parents was no longer working for me and things needed to change because I was finished with enabling his parents to live alone.
It was time for a family conference. Even after that initial family conversation, it took us 18 months of weekly conversations to get his parents to grudgingly accept that they needed help and that their children and their childrens' spouses could not provide all the help they needed.
They needed to downsize into a senior residential community. They fought us hard but all of us "children" stayed on message, which was that their safety and our peace of mind were paramount. They moved into a rental building for seniors that included all of their meals, utilities, activities, transportation, housekeeping, etc. And even with all of those services, we still needed to hire in-home attendants for my MIL, who since has died, and now for my FIL.
I usually don't write such lengthy posts but I was once in your shoes. Your in-laws are being unreasonable and irrational. Your husband is your partner in life. Caregiving must work for everyone involved.
Exactly!
Of course we haven't mentioned our move yet. Not that i need to defend myself but my job is moving and I am not willing to give up my income. We have a limited number of years to provide for ourselves or we'll be in the same position they are in, its not negotiable.
We're somewhat flexible with timing, but its not open ended for sure.
I think you and your husband need to have a family meeting with the discharge planning folks and let them know that family support is about to be severely diminished.
I read that your BIL will not address the issue of care plans with his parents, maybe he will see the necessity now.
Maybe now is a good time to make stubborn FIL think out of his box. He doesn't get to control others lives, it's unreasonable. This may be the spring board that opens his eyes to the need of relocating where his dear wife can have care and be catered to with housekeeping, meal prep, laundry, other residents caring and sharing and both having a safe environment.
My prayers are with you that this will open eyes and shift perceptions.
That said, my suggestion is when informing BIL of the upcoming move, your husband focus on what he can do to assist in their parents’ care. Your assistance is no more, just like BIL’s wife drew the line. Eventually, the neighbor will draw the line as well.
Someone on this site said a while back to look after their needs, not necessarily their wants. It appears that your in-laws expect 3 other families to put their lives on hold so they can “age in place” — 3 families to stop living their lives so they can live the life they want. Bravo to you for saying no. This might be what BIL needs to help him set boundaries as well.
1. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
2. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
3. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
4. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
5. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
6. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
7. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
8. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
9. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
10. Family meeting with the discharge planner.
"We didn't plan on telling you, our loving family, this way but the discharge planner needs to know that my awesome and loving husband and I are moving 350 miles away for work and cannot be part of long-term care plans." Then be quiet and let the discharge planner do his/her job.
I agree, BIL is too overwhelmed at this time and FIL probably isn't helping.
Prayers going up.