For those of you who have lost a beloved loved one are there any particular moments that still haunt you and how do you deal with it?
For me it's a few. One in particular. My brother and I had attended a care meeting at the facility my mom was in. Afterwards we went up to visit with her. She had rollers in her hair and was dressed which was unusual in itself. But she also was bright and more talkative than usual.
I could tell she had been expecting our visit and had been looking forward to it. But I was weary that day and my brother offered to drive me home so I left early. I could see in my mom's eyes she was disappointed.
Turns out that was the last time I would ever see her conscious. I can't tell you how many times I've relived that day in my mind and the regret I feel that I didn't stay longer with her like I normally did.
Not to open up old wounds for anyone but any tips on how to get over these nagging images that keep you awake at night?
I believe your mom would want you to release these bad memories of the past and forgive yourself for anything you did wrong...you did the best you could and were a good caregiver to your mom. Cherish the good memories and love yourself, your mom loved you afterall and she would now want the best for you.
I still think about you and what happened with your mother every time I see you post on a thread.
You're still in my prayers!
May God's peace work in your heart -
My sister passed and I admit I don't feel her loss as tragically as some might believe. She was never hands-on with my mother but we both had the same understanding of our mother. I don't expect anyone else to understand. She is my spiritual companion as I anticipate family loss. This helps me move forward.
A doctor once told me to not second guess my decision. This too helped personally.
In fact quite often my mom is in the background of my dreams. Almost like a walk on role in a movie. I'm always aware of her being there but she never has a starring role in my dreams.
It's kind of how she is in my waking life too. I still have these nagging feelings like I need to call her and when she was alive I would call her and then feel better but now there is nothing I can do to get that feeling better feeling. Does this make any sense?
I think the feeling you need to call her is similar to the dreams that someone is still alive - it is a form of denial. Grief is a complicated process and the closer you were to someone maybe the more complicated it is. ((((((hugs))))
zoecam - I was one of those who visited my mother seldom and didn't stay for long - not for the reasons you mention, but because of a need for self protection due to a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse. There are a number of us here and we do/did an extraordinary job, if different in some aspects, of caring for our abusive parent despite the pain.
My own Mother lives in a large Nursing Home. On Christmas Day I observed a number of relatives turn up and stay with their resident for a short period of time only - give presents, wish them Merry Christmas - and leave within minutes.
(Probably rarely even bother the rest of the year.)
These were people doing their duty; ticking a box and going off for the day without another thought. Even at the time I wondered if some of them were almost discussing in the car with each other how little time they could get away with...
These will not be the type of caring people writing on Ageing Care and reading kindly and responses from other equally understanding others.
They won’t have a conscience or be processing their actions, or lack of them.
The fact that you are here and sharing your sorrows and seeking advice - and living with your perceived guilt - to me automatically makes you a decent person.
If I can pick that up from an email, that means your Mother would have known it in real life too.
We all have our off days. You left a bit earlier than you might have. But folk in the outside world underestimate the toll having an elderly/infirm family member takes on people. The stress, concerns for the future, constant niggles at the back of the mind etc. - it adds up.
Many a person (like the type I’ve described above) maybe wouldn’t have even bothered popping in on their relative at all that day, if they felt drained like you did. They’d have said - “oh just take me home” - and they wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
But you did, you went - and I’m sure you were lovely at time. I bet you’re so busy mulling over the length of visit, you forget nice things that happened during it - and previously on other visits, as well as during a good lifetime relationship.
Everyone here describing their regrets (me included - I’m the queen of it) is only suffering from overthinking. I know from a personal point of view how destructive overthinking is - and it leads to anxiety.
But I hope that such processing that we’ve all done makes us lovely beautiful human beings, who have been full of love toward the people we are now beating ourselves up over the slightest thing we may have said or done differently.
Much love to you all.
But thx for what you said. It helped.
So I'm embarrassed to admit that it's been 5 and a half years since she died and I still find myself stuck.
I did hear something the other day that helped. Someone said that if you still get emotional about the loss of your loved one it shows you are still connected to them. If not feeling these things meant I had lost my connection to her then maybe I'll try to welcome these feelings.
In less than a week of being in the nursing facility, he stopped eating and communicating. He looked so sad. He died in a few days time. I still wonder if what I said was what made him give up all hope and just die. Why did I say that? I said it so flippantly. That will always haunt me.
Ever since before going to sleep, I count backward by sevens and can now do it without error and fast. The side benefit is that I fall asleep immediately following that exercise so there is no time to spend thinking. I recommend the process to many that have difficulty going to sleep and believe it is the best way to eliminate troubling thoughts that can keep you awake. Good luck.
I haven't read all the responses yet but I will. I'm so grateful more of you are posting on this.😘
I cant even begin to describe how many regrets i have. I just hope my mother is in peace.
last day, hours before she collapsed unconscious she called me with my sister’s cell phone FaceTime and i was sleeping in bed in afternoon so i kept it short.
I remember when i hangup i was haunted by my mother’s soft weak voice and her face looked pale. I remember feeling guilty for keeping it short and instantly feeling heavy and couldn't go back to sleep. Hours later my sister called that she had collapsed and doctors gave me no hope at all.
Now i keep thinking about her face and her last breath, she appears in my dreams thank God and i just wanna sink into deep sleep and spend time with her.
miss my sweet mum so much.
As for your regrets...your mom knew how much you loved her by your previous actions. You and your brother did spend time with her and it's the quality of time that matters (not the quantity).
I have dealt with nagging images at night while I stayed with my beloved mom in hospital hospice for 13 long, excruciating days and nights watching her suffer in tremendous pain. I had/have images of her screaming out in pain. I learned to live with those images and try to focus on the positive things I saw when she was well. Those memories eventually starting prevailing over the bad ones. Time is what it takes and, again, my sincerest condolences are going out to you and your family on your tremendous loss. I understand your pain.
Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could at the time and your mom knew you were there for her.
Death is so final. The loss of a loved one is so traumatic! I still hear the beloved cough, or forget that he's not in his room. Could I have done more for him? I'm not certain. At the time, I felt that I was doing the best I could. Looking back though, I wish I had done more. If only I had known he was actually dying when he was dying. I thought that special care would revive him. I was so sadly mistaken!
There is that last moment of life, when the spark becomes extinguished. When it is time for someone to die, no one can prolong life. I wish I had understood this better and more gracefully.
My Mom died on October 3, 2020 after 4 months in a hospice residence. I have many bad memories and images of those days before her passing. I have slowly trained my mind to push away the dark memories and replace them with remembrances of her beautiful smiling face. Usually before I fall asleep, I have a conversation with her telling her how much she means to me and that I hope she holds nothing against me for the times things weren't perfect in her final days. It brings me peace to block out any negative thoughts that pop into my head and to replace them with memories of my Mom that bring me joy. I could not control everything that happened to my Mom in the end, so it's best for me to accept that I did my very best and now I'll focus on the love between us. Don't worry, Gershun. Find peace. Your Mom knows you love her and she wouldn't want you to beat yourself up because you had a "human moment of tiredness". Live your life now believing your Mom is peacefully at rest and holds nothing against you.
Most of our regrets about things we did or did not do for a dying loved one were are not about anything we did to intentionally harm the LO. Do not punish yourself over those misses. That you left "early" the last day your mother was lucid was not done intentionally to cause her pain.
Our Hospice literature has a section about a dying person "choosing" his or her time to die. Whether they want a loved one present or want to be alone may be built into the dying process.
Your moments of grief and despair and regret will come and go as long as they need to. The space between them will begin to increase and more moments of happy memories will fill those spaces.
I feel if one is in their bed, actively dying, it should be private,
not a social media event.
Then, seeing the photo of him him dead.
Not knowing what to do with these last photos.
this sounds so simplistic but it’s worked for me.
when i realize that im involved in thinking sad thoughts ... it can take a minute or so sometimes ... i say STOP IT !!! very sharply and silently to myself. Then i move a body part ... open/close my eyes, arm, foot, something. I think consciously of what im doing when i do it. It can be subtle or able to be seen. Depends on who’s around and how obvious i want to be. Usually im in bed just before i go to sleep but sometimes i think about the sad events during the day.
moving in some way has been essential.
then i think of s-o-m-e-thing benign ... a-n-y-thing i enjoy and elaborate on it in some way.
I enjoy knitting and usually think of what im making ... make it longer, put on trim.
theres always something to think of.
i hope this helps. Best wishes to you :)
But, last week I had the strangest dream about my mom - that she had come back to life (think full body resurrection!) and had come back home. I told her that I was so sorry, that I had started getting her estate in order, I had cleaned out her closets, etc - in my dream , I felt terrible about it, I told her I had no idea she would be back - and she told me "no, that's what you should have done. You did everything you were supposed to. Just how I taught you to do it. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. But now I need you to order me some new clothes from Blair" (one of her "go-to catalogs). So, strange as it sounds, I don't feel quite so guilty about things. I have told myself that maybe that's my mom's way of telling me to forgive myself, that life continues for everyone in some way or another. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, and it really was just a dream, but it has helped me cope.
If the question is simply a matter of having missed the opportunity for additional time spent together, then there STILL was no way to know that would be the case unless you went away on vacation (or wherever) if/when your mother was actively dying. "Coulda, woulda, shouldas" are meaningless when something generally as unpredictable as death (or loss of consciousness, as in this case) is involved.