I'm new to this. I have been listening to my brothers for year. One is clearly "in charge" of dispensive information that the parents want known, he will be Executor, etc... It is clear to me now that they have no desire to rock dad's boat on anything. And dad's behavior is becoming detrimental to our mother.
Our mother is completely physically disabled, but of fairly sound mind. At least as sound as our dad. Our father drags her up to a summer home each year where she has no one to socialize with and no physical therapy for 3-6 months. He works on his projects and she has no outlets while there. It is also a long 2,800 mile drive, round trip. And if there is a health issue for either of them, facilities are limited. God forbid something happen to him because she can barely operate a phone now. I point out these issues and he brushes them off...
My older brothers keep saying that dad is an adult & can do what he wants. But it is clear our mother wants to stop this travel and he is ignoring her wishes and her physical needs. He also refuses anything but free help from local relatives for her in their winter location, even though all his kids have told him not to worry about spending any inheritance. None of us kids live in their part of the country to help. And he has already burned several bridges with our aunts and uncles over his expectations and treatment of them. He also has refused to move near any of his children after years of all us asking.
He has money he can spend, but he seems more concerned with keeping it to influence others through an inheritance...What he wants and his ego seems to be the only thing that matters right now. My brothers keep patting him on the back for being soooo devoted to our mother. But I see a very different picture.
Is there a legal or social way to make him take her opinion into account, stop the traveling and hire help? I doubt I can get information from her doctors. But I'd be interested in what they think of her traveling. Can adult protective services help in this? He is literally acting like she has no right and her opinion no longer matters, even though she seems to have more clear reasoning in this matter than him.
Only other option I can think of, is could mom come stay with you while dad goes to his other place?
My mom does speak up for herself to our dad and us now. He just ignores it and tells us that she is just being fussy and will calm down about it. But she persists now. She can't physically prevent him from taking her. The last time I visited them I heard him threaten her to stop causing trouble about these issues.
My brothers won't help. Long standing family dynamic. Only trouble makers cross dad. For years it seemed mom's strategy was to rope in a kid to confront dad for her. But as kids we knew this would result in her changing her tune to make dad happy and a kid look bad. So no one bit that poison apple. But now she is loud and clear to anyone who will listen. My brothers keep saying that all we can do is express our concern for her health and hope he pulls his head out of his...
At least II've seen how I DON'T want to raise my kids.
If she does in fact state that she doesn't want to make the trip (not just to you, but to dad and sibs) then you can perhaps all help by getting dad on board with that. You can then look at other options for her..... a respite stay at assisted living? A holiday with you? In home caregivers?