My mom is getting out of hand...she had a stroke last april...after all the help at rehabilitation /nursing home and the 6 month in home help to do things for herself with my help was over she fought me everyday on doing her physical thearpy exercises...I have no other family members to help me...she has a fit if I even bring up doing the exercises so I quit doing so...now of course its all my fault...she throws in my face any little thing I did as a child that was bad and how she had to put up with me and now its my turn...no matter how she acts I got it coming...when I ask her to please let past go...I'm sorry for all I did but I can't fix those days now lets move on from today...she yells I won't forget them...they happened. ..I won't I wont. ..she kept saying...I understand the anger about what the stroke has done on left side and that shes 88 but from day one they told her it was a long hard work to get where she wanted to be...which was walk...braces were made...but like I said she told me after everyone left she wasn't going to do anything they said...and I always did listen to everyone but her...I said mom in this case yes they are the professionals...I don't care they don't know anything...I've talked to her doc and I still get chewed out after he talks to her...I feel at times I'm up against the wall...shes threaten me with false accusations of physical abuse if I call anyone to come in and talk to her or anyone from the county to help me talk to her...shes throws herself out of her chair and then cries...won't let me help her up for 20 mins or longer...I told her to please talk to someone with all the anger built up inside her...its not just with me but dozens of issues shes mad about...she yells I'm not nuts...you pay for a psychiatrist. ..I said mom the elders have free services for this...atleast I think I read that they do but don't really know for sure...just want her to say ok...but she flat out refuses abd says just throw me somewhere cause I can't live like this...I said mom no one wants to throw u anywhere but I can't keep fighting with you and you need special care...would she get a demintia test...no she said I don't have any of that...dad has some of that but he doesn't act like she does...infact its effecting him the way she acts and towards him too...I think they both need special care but their afraid they'll vome take them and take everything they have...I said to both I really careless if I got a red cent and you can't take what u do have with you so why not be where you can get the right care and I can come visit and maybe we can be a family again...no we can't afford it...I feel lost on what to do...and how to do it as not to hurt them...any ideas on a place that will talk to mom about her anger issues...
She's got you cornered, hasn't she? She's used fear and guilt " oh, the state will Jeri us out of here and take everything we own..." that's HER fear talking. She's projecting it in your direction so that you become entangled in it and become paralyzed.
So, what happens if you have a heart attack and die? (That's happened to people here who were caregivers, and has happened in my family). What happens is that the dementia patient lives out their years contentedly in a nursing facility. They have no hostage to complain Tom so they make do and are content.
In your shoes, I would call APS myself today and tell them that your mom is making accusations of abuse against you and for that reason, you can no longer be the caregiver. Call the area agency on aging and let them know about the first call, that your parents are vulnerable adults who need help. Call their doctor and tell him/her that your parents need immediate placement as your health no longer allows you to care for them.
You do not deserve to be abused in this way. Once they are placed, visit once a week and have a normal as possible relationship with them.
If you end up staying the current course, you likely will die of the stress and they will become wards of the state and end up in a nursing home. I hope you will not allow this to happen. Stand up on the inside and be the adult daughter you need to be and they need you to be although they will not recognize or admit this.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Now you need to do what needs to be done for them. They need professional help. Please strengthen your backbone, ignore your guilt impulses, and do for them what they need to have done.
Who is taking care of your Dad with dementia?
What kind of help does Mother need? What activities of daily living can't she perform?
I don't mean to walk out and never see them again! But remove yourself from the daily caregiving role. Which means that someone else will have to do it.
Start with your state's aging agency to understand what options are available. Also consider calling the social worker at the hospital where Mom was treated.
You definitely need to be able to visit her as a loving daughter, and not as a caregiver she dumps her anger on.
Keep us informed about what you try and how it works out.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/who-can-help-without-legal-problems-176596.htm
freqflyer and Babalou had some very good advice for you.