I’m at my wits end with my 82 year old mother. She has been housebound for over 2 years now and in that time I have arranged Carers, get her shopping every week whilst holding down a full time job and struggling with my own health she was shouting in front of my son last week that I have no feelings and I’m selfish and I’m a nasty person. I have decided to walk away from her as I’ve had enough but can’t help feeling guilty but can’t forgive her for saying all these things about me. Why do I feel guilty?
I/we visit her at least once a week and the visits are pleasant. She’s more relaxed than I’ve ever seen her. She’s always been difficult so we’re never sure how much is the advanced dementia and how much is just herself unleashed.
Bottom line: Save yourself. Her demands will only increase, as you are physically and mentally destroyed. I could barely walk but she’d keep barking orders. I was recovering post-op and she’d wake me constantly. We live next door to each other so I could not get away. I tried bringing in caregivers to give myself 4 hours off but she blew.
Say it with me: “I deserve to live my own life with my family and friends. I deserve control over my own time. I deserve downtime when I am ill or injured. I deserve to be treated with courtesy. I have done a lot and have no real reason to feel guilty.”
and thank you for encouraging the rest of us in similar situations.
We all know kids like this.
We all know elders like this.
Seniors even the ones with dementia will take their frustrations, anger, and even downright nastiness out on the people they're closest to because they are safe targets. Chances are an elder with dementia who behaves to their daughter (it's almost always a daughter who takes it) how Taylorb1's mother does to her, more times than not has always behaved so to them. In the past before dementia they were sharper and better at gaslighting, guilting, and cutting them down so they weren't resorting to the screaming and yelling in front of the grandkids.
Taylorb1, you feel guilty about walking away because you've been conditioned to feel guilty. All of us have. We've all been taught all of our lives that if a person (especially a family member) is sick or in need, you help and take care of them. You know your mom is old and has dementia. She's sick and in need so you're trying to do for her. She's also your mother and it's hard for anyone no matter how old they are to have their own mother say terrible things to and about them.
You're right to walk away from the caregiving situation. Your mother needs more than you can provide. You aren't just walking away and leaving her to fend for herself. You've arranged care services to go to her house.
When you and your son visit her, if she starts up with either one of you, leave immediately. I find that in almost 25 years of in-home caregiving that the best course of action when the mean, nasty, spiteful, instigating behaviors start is to walk away and completely ignore the person. Do not even acknowledge their existence. I can't tell you how many times I've served a meal or did the hands-on care for some senior in absolute and total silence because this was the only way to maintain the level of patience someone needs to have in order to care for these people.
You do the same. If homecare does not work out for your mother, then she will need a care facility. Either way, you will do the right thing to make sure she gets the care she needs. You or your son tolerating her verbal abuse is not part of getting her proper care.
You are right to back off, she needs to see exactly what you do and then apologize for being so ungrateful and nasty.
Keep your boundaries strong, it will serve you well in the journey ahead.
You can't make her happy until she wants it for herself. Take care of yourself now.
If she is living alone, you are going to need to make a decision where you are going to place her. I can tell, you will not be able to care for her and Dementia get worse. With my mom, she declined monthly.
Now, my first question would be - has your mom always been this nasty? If yes, then you’ve allowed yourself to be a doormat for a long time, so she’s just used to treating you this way. You know Einstein’s theory of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results? That’s you, sweetheart.
However, if this has been out of the norm up until her decline then that would be the Alzheimer’s, and more characteristic to her losing herself than anything else. Some people with dementia turn nasty when once were nice. In the case with my MIL, she’s mellowed where once she was a she-demon from hell. It’s like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates - you never know what you’re going to get.
Give yourself a good long break. Have the caregivers look after her. Have groceries delivered, and and check in after a week or two once her mood has mellowed.
Just pray that you’re not like this when you’re older with your own children…
Stepping away is the right thing to do, just make sure her carers show up and mom is cared for.
It may be time for other options such as having her live in the appropriate facility. Start checking out facilities that match her needs. You can still be her caregiver from a distance making sure her needs are met. Also know that her actions may be spurred on by her disease and is no longer able to control her fears, anger, or other emotions.
Give yourself some grace and forgive yourself, we can only do what we can do.
Part of our problem as caregivers to our parents, IMHO, is we are taught to treat our elders with respect. But when that respect is not mutual, then it should be "Bye, Felicia!". So, go in peace, your mom doesn't deserve you.
She's burnt out. And the mother needs better care but it doesn't make the mother "toxic"