I’m at my wits end with my 82 year old mother. She has been housebound for over 2 years now and in that time I have arranged Carers, get her shopping every week whilst holding down a full time job and struggling with my own health she was shouting in front of my son last week that I have no feelings and I’m selfish and I’m a nasty person. I have decided to walk away from her as I’ve had enough but can’t help feeling guilty but can’t forgive her for saying all these things about me. Why do I feel guilty?
if your son is already a grown man, setting a good example is still relevant.
Take care of yourself. Teach him to take care of himself. It’s okay to make the choices that you need to make in life to be happy.
Maybe your mom is acting out because she is not happy either.
The whole goal in life is to be happy and by your own narrative, you are making choices that don’t position you for that opportunity.
As for guilt, generally, . . .
Guilt starts and ends with you. It is a self-harming emotion that we impose upon ourselves.
Own your selections, your thoughts, words and actions. Right or wrong, support yourself, end of story. Most of the what we do involves our own choice, so once you make the decision, move forward, move ahead and don’t dwell backwards. There is too much to do in life to get mired down and stuck in “ what ifs.” We all make mistakes and when you make one, acknowledge for a brief moment that you made a mistake, apologize to someone if need be - and then move forward- you are human and it is over.
Choose to be kind and protective to yourself instead. When you recognize you are starting to feel guilt, stop abruptly. Change the circumstances so that guilt can’t creep farther in to your psyche. How should you do that? What rewards do you give yourself? A walk, a call with a friend, a new blouse, an ice cream cone, reading news on your cell phone, an indulgent TV show, time playing with the dog? An extra hot shower, walk in the park, moisturizing foot lotion just because. Make your favorite dinner instead of asking others, use your best perfume for no reason, change into your soft pajamas early - this gesture can be large or small, it can cost money or be free. The important thing is that you get yourself away from that guilt that you are inflicting on yourself and be nice to yourself until the situation and threat of guilt passes. Look at this as a “retraining” or happiness exercise.
If someone was bullying your son, you would use all your powers to make the abuse stop. So use that same philosophy to protect yourself from your cruel pointless self torture.