Has anyone not genuinely cared the person you have to take care of?

I'm not sure exactly how you mean it ... emotionally or physically? It is very hard to deal with, and I do believe there is a time when you must detach yourself emotionally from the pain and heartache involved in doing the right thing. However, in my situation, I cannot allow my personal heartache over my mom's deterioration, dementia, and agression to prevent me from doing my job as my mom's POA. I will continue to do whatever I can to insure that she receives the necessary medical care, that her bills are paid for, and that she has as much independence as possible. It's only going to get worse ... I need to rely on the help and support of my church, my friends, and my husband. My siblings are not supportive. My other relatives refuse to believe there is a problem at all.

If you are attempting to care for a loved one personally in your home, and are not able to for ANY reason, you need to immediately ask for someone else to step in - you do NOT want anyone to raise the issue of neglect if you are the primary caregiver. Protect yourself. Get outside, qualified help, and get it soon!

I am recently taking care of my 85 year old mother, whom I have never been close to, but have had to watch out for, for my 35 years of marriage. It is hard for me because I really don't feel the emotion of love for her.

For someone who truly don't love his/her parent, it would be very difficult to care for the parent with a caring, loving attitude. In my own case, with my father, I love him deeply but when he becomes belligerent or insulting, I have to shift into "duty" and "gratitude" mode ( gratitude to my father for all he did for me and how he loved me as I grew up).

I feel neutral almost all the time about my caregiving. It is the coping mechanism. I can't get angry anymore because it is too stressful for me and I certainly don't have any warm fuzzy feelings for my mother. So I just don't care anymore.

My mother is abusive and always has been. It would be very easy for strangers to abuse her. I don't want that. But I don't want to take care of her either. Caring for her seems like the right thing to do although I'd rather she just blew away.

FyreFly, maggiesue, anne123, tmak: This is a complicated sort of thing I guess, who's isn't I know. Well it is, I do not like my Grandfather, he does not like me, he stares at my cleavage, if I am ever so stupid as to wear a low shirt, (one time when my grandmother was still here they were over and she tied a scarf around my neck to cover my chest when he was there, I mean icku) he looks at my butt when I bend over (which I no longer do anywhere near him). I can not stand to be in a room with him for more then say ten minutes so I don't. I do what I have to test, Blood Sugar, give pills, feed him clean his glasses and then go and clean what ever mess he has made in his bed room (used to be mine) the bathroom etc. Spray some Oust and he listens to awful music in his room till I need to get him lunch pills and lunch snack. He used to watch TV now and then and when ever a scene of two people kissing came on he'd look over at me speculatively. Growing up he was one of those men who HAD to KISS you and grab at you (well the girls anyway) and yes there is abuse in my family. But to my mother he is a saint and can do no wrong, unless it involves her personally. One time I put foot lotion on his feet and he flirted with me. I avoid him now, I do what I have to say "Good Morning Grandpa." and do what is expected and keep my distance.
So you see I am caring for someone I do not care for. Going on four years now. No, I have no wish to harm him or myself for that matter but I an tired and stressed out and just pray this ends soon. He is 89, and that is far older than ANYONE in his family has ever been. My mother see's no need for respite care, and she handles all his business and medical and financial issues with absolute aboveboard competence, we are not selfish, grafting,mean or irresponsible people, but sometimes it is just too much.
I do this for my mother whom I love and want to help, so i just suck it up and as far as I am concerned there is nothing else I can do, more issues. So it is a mess. Thank you all for your comments and listening to me grouse. There really is limits to sharing things, family want, well they don't want to help or can't or just hope it goes away, friends don't really understand what it is like, and everyone has lives they are dealing with.
Ah dealing with our lives not living them, what a depressing thought. I suffer from anxiety and depression and this has been a tremendous burden truly but there is nothing I can do to change it. He either gets to a level of care we can't cope with or he dies soon or it just goes on....Really don't want to think about that one. This has been so hard, and no one wants to know. I am not paid and have no money, I can't ever get a doctors appointment because it is inconvenient to his needs and my mother is resentful if I can't do it all perfectly for her all the time. It is really unfair. If family ask how things are and I tell them of day to day issues they shut down or snap at me. Others just assume not be cognizant of the whole situation. I just want to hear from others I am not alone, and what I am experiencing isn't unusual and that I have a right to want to be treated well and to feel worn out and ripped off. Must stop grouse fest.....

I don't understand why your mother isn't the one doing the hands on care of her father. If she knows he tends to be perverted, why is she putting her daughter in harms way? I don't get that at all.
I guess you're just gonna have to treat him like a stranger and do what needs to done if your mother doesn't step in. I'm sorry you didn't get a 'normal' grandpa. Be safe and grouse all you want. I get it.

Jsomebody, yes I do sympathize with you. That is very uncomfortable, I know, when your grandfather stares at you in a way which is inappropriate. You are wise to dress modestly around him and so forth. I feel sorry for you that your relatives criticized you when you answered their questions about how things are going with your grandfather. That can be really tough.....when you get criticism from family, and what you need is support. You've got support here. It is good that you have come here to express yourself, because you need to do that. You are to be commended for helping your mother care for her father.

naheaton and anne123, thank you for your comments and support, it feels strange to not have someone snapping at me for telling the truth or even bringing things up. My mom works so it is really financial I guess that I have to be the on call person, I'd be here any way (stupid bad life) she handles bath9ing issues, when she can and has to. He will fight it but like I posted she writes in oi the calendar when he has had a bath, but she is 62 and tired from working all day and well just tired of all this too, though she is not likely to admit it. She sorts his pills makes appointments is the one who drives...I must admit on occasion it seems funny to me for as much as she loves her father she really does not want to have to deal with him any more than I do. In the store she will always take the cart, even if i have the list she will get mad I I hand him off to her for even a moment...? Go figure. On two occasions she actually pushed/shoved me toward him to make sure I went and did what ever, helped him with his socks, got him to the mens room. That has been awhile. I think it is dawning on her how little care there is behind my care and that she can't push me too far. One day I just left her at the store and went to town. watched other people in the park having fun felt like an alien and went home to dishes and old man pee clean up as usual. When my aunt came to give us a break it involved well almost the same routines but at least I didn't have to see him for hours and hours, all I hope for now.
I have no idea, I have had enough therapy in my past to wonder if there is something in her relationship she is hiding or if she just loves him can't stand to see him fail and needs at least her father to be on her side so too speak after the truly abysmal relationship she had with her m9other who thankfully went pretty quick (uterine cancer).
I think I have had kind of a bum life and try to stay even and remind myself I am not a five year old Cambodian child prostitute, or a batter wife, or ill with some painful disease. But if I have to see one more TV ad for a Reality Show about spoiled trampy rich twenty somethings living the life of Riley....Well, I don't watch em. Any one else watch Law and Order re-runs and Royal Pains? That's about it for me and TV.
I have pen pal who is 75 and a doctor of hers said she was a hero for all the stuff she has to go through in her life and yet she still gets up and gets through her day no matter how stressful or complex. I don't feel like a hero, I feel like a failure in life total...........

Wow, Jsomebody! Oh, boy. Can I ask how old you are? Can you get yourself out of this situation? Can you get a job outside the home, go to school, to work elsewhere? Can you move out? I understand that you love your mom, and want to help her ... but honestly, this isn't helping if it hurts you!

Be safe ... take care of yourself. You are important, and no one has the right to belittle you, intimidate you, or even make you feel the way he does! Definitely come grouse all you want - be candid in your experiences ... we do understand, and we are here to support you! You aren't responsible for your Grandfather's care - you need to make that clear to your mom, and then do what ever you need to in order to gain your independence. Be careful, too. You might find that it helps to document everything in your own journal. If this ever becomes an issue, you might then have proof of your allegations, and it may help to get him the help he needs.
-FyreFly

I have to agree with FyreFly, that if you can get out of this situation, it would be so much the better for you. It sounds like your mother is also very stretched and stressed out, and she ends up taking you for granted perhaps, or taking it out on you. She sounds like a good, decent person who is stretched to the max. Try to talk this all out with your mother, sincerely and with love, so that you both can figure out how to best mange the situation. Life can be tough. That's something you're learning far earlier in life than I ever did . If your mother is 62, you are a young person. In order to take care of yourself, try to "nurture" yourself by doing anything that gives you joy or peace----even reading a special book at bedtime before you turn the light off and go to sleep. or praying. But you know yourself and what would be helpful to your spirit. I've seen on this forum where the experts will weigh in and say to check your state's website online for aging services which might be able to help you, at little ( or no) cost.

If I were you, I wouldn't share much if anything with your relatives about your grandfather which is of a negative nature. It sounds like you aren't going to get the sympathy you sorely need. These relatives don't mean to be mean, I'm convinced.... they just don't "get it" because they aren't the ones on the front lines. Hopefully, it will strengthen your spirit to know that people on this board care about you and realize the good, sacrificial things you are doing. But do try to take care of yourself and see if you can somehow carve out a life for yourself.

Yes,i guess you cant choose your relatives,I have never got on with my Mum,i dont know why,i dont think she ever liked me very much.Anyway she has vasular and altzeimers dementia now,and for the last 10 years i was at her beck and call,she would ring me,and demand this and that,at work,trivial things,it nearly drove me mad.
If she had got like that because of her dementia,i would have understood,but she was ALWAYS like it.Seemed to think, because i was an only child,that it was owed to her.Anyway,she got so bad,that she had to go into home,she was hitting me,not letting me in,not eating,not drinking or taking her medication,so i shouted to the social services,i could not cope.So now she is in a lovely home,i see her twice a week,she STILL gives me hell,but i can cope with that.
So,back to your question,yes,a lot of people feel that way,but its just not considered "nice" to say so.
But i would wish that she would just disapear,so i never had to look at her grumpy face again.We have a better relationship now,but not how my daughter and i are,we are like sisters,its nice.
I feel sad of what has been.but cant change it.

That sounds horrid. Hitting and yelling, we are not there and I hope to GOD we don't get there. I guess this is a good place to say how one feels with little repercussions to one real life environment. I am far closer to my mom than she was to hers, yet I know she doesn't really care for me as a person. I hope this doesn't end badly. Maybe I'll go first. That would be easiest. At least she is she is settled in a good place and the day to day is less intense?

Jsomebody, I agree with your gut feeling about your mom and her father. There is something amiss there. Since she's literally shoving you at him, I'd say she knows full well what he's like, and probably has first hand knowledge of it too. Can you broach the subject with her while the two of you are alone sometime? It may be worth your while tip toeing into the subject of her growing up with her father.

Honey You are a saint- You will have your place in Heaven. "Honor thy Father and Mother" This comandment means to take care of them when they can no longer care for themselves. As hard as it is- you are a trooper. I care for my 86 yr old Dad and sometimes he will make comments that are disturbing- He calls me by my Moms name a lot and asks if I remember when we got married and I a, learnign things that happened between them thatt I don't really want to know but I have to remember his mind is not as it was. I have to just remind him I am his daughter not Momma (several times). They just start going back in time and get confused. Daddy was always so strick about how we dressed and boys- really got on my nerves when I was young. The hardest part was for me to have to clean him and give him a bath and I know it really bothered him to start with - but now it doesn't bother meor him I think -as they say go into the caregiver mode and do what you have to do and get it over with. I have always heard that however they acted in their youth then they will be the reverse in their old age- Like, if they never cursed then when they get old they will curse like sailors and if they were mean then they will be passive. Seems like that really happens. It's like this stuff has been repressed in their minds and is now being let loose. Any way just keep thinking no mater what, I am doing my part and will have nothing to feel guilty about later and yes you will have these feelings SO take a deep breath get out somewhere and relax and yes grouching to someone helps a lot- you don't mean for anything to come of it but it helps to gripe....Hugs and prayers for you.

I have issues with my 86 year old paranoid schizophrenic (unmedicated until now) father with dementia in that he was never there for my mother and I. Living with a paranoid schizophrenic was certainly interesting but quite painful. I believe the voices in his head kept him from having meaningful relationships with mostly everyone except his siblings, and some of them wrote him off before he turned 60. He can be extremely difficult, abusive, always crazy, and it is hard for me to see him more than once every two weeks. When I'm not there I hear he is quite pleasant and seems to be somewhat happy, but when I come for visits, it's a different story. The staff are shocked to hear what he tells me as he spends most of his time trying to manipulate me and let him live with my son and I (which could never happen, I need to protect my son from the craziness I grew up with). So I am having issues with those feelings of "not caring for" the person I have to take care of. It's as if my father is incapable of caring for others because he is so wrapped up in himself in his head. Everything revolves around him and always has. For years we would have conversations and he would never - and I mean never - ask me how I or my family was doing, not sending birthday or Christmas cards, but I continued to be the good daughter and send him packages and visit when in town.

The Roman Catholic guilt was upon me pretty hard last month, but I am coming to terms with it now. He is who he is, and he will never be different, and actually, he will get worse as his dementia continues. So I need to find ways to know that I am being responsible and he is in a safe place, so I have to let go of those negative emotions I have towards myself because I feel the way I feel. If you don't have a good therapist, get one, that helps! Giving yourself breaks from caregiving is also good. Have someone else step in now and then. There are also programs that help pay for in-home services, like through the Veteran's Administration (if your grandfather is a veteran) that does cover people if they stay at home too, it's called Aid and Attendance and has different levels of care. But even if you are not sure how much services he is eligible for, still start the application process, it can take 6 - 9 months to get through it! Take care of yourself!

Also, you and your Mom could use a caregivers support group. It seems to me that your grandfather really needs to be in an assisted living situation. It's quite possible that your Mom could start having health issues because of all this stress. I just read a great book "Elder Rage or take my father please" and it was such a good read I could barely put it down. In the back it had many resources too.

I don't feel terribly young, 39, say goodbye to life like a beer commercial right? I honestly can't get myself out of the situation or maybe just not yet. I think I am just one of those floundering useless people in life who never really get it right. I don't know. I an indigent and would be on the streets if not here so I figure I don't deserve anything else. I'll figure it out I guess. This is only the latest situation in my stupid life.

As for confrontation, I don't do it. I told my mother the truth about my life once and she hasn't listened to a thing I have said since, that was 1989. I really am my only hope here. I guess that is as it should be, your life is your own and you and Gods and the times and place you are born into make up your life. I am grateful for the opportunities I do have, but the rest drags so.

i asked the doctor if you could learn to hate the person you once loved so deeply and she told me,YES and that is what has happened to me

lakeview, can you swim in that lake? Emotions change, in love there can be hate I think, It is contempt that'll ruin ya. Now if you never cared for the person...whole different mess.

tarthur17, cfcombs Just hanging in here. I have read of inappropriate acting out type behaviors in dementia patients so i wouldn't be all that surprised if anything else came up.
I think you are caring for your father, it isn't like you have just dropped out, you deal and show up and are there for him under very complex situations. You are to be commended for it. Many people really do just run for the hills. Ah guilt the great de-motivator.
naheaton, I have no idea, but i guess that will be her issues if she ever faces them. I have had 20 years of therapy, books, support groups, art therapy and journal-ling to deal and heal and face and hash and rehash and analyze and question and God knows what all else in my life of less than fun on a beach experiences, but it looks like it is never done. new life mess and move on eh?

I have been there and have helped my mom since I was 16 and I'm now 59 and live a great distance from her. My sister is now caring for mom in my sister's home. My mom has always been a very stubborn woman and now with the Alzheimers she is very difficult. I have been going through hell the past 2 weeks as there is something going on which I cannot talk about. I question all the love from my family and am not sure I can talk to any of them again. I have so much hate inside me now. I cry for you when I read your notes. You are so strong and I wish you would get yourself out of the situation so you could have a life. If you don't you may end up angry with your mom and that relationship may end up dissolving. It is very hard to not have a family member to love. My adult children are my heart and life and I'm needing to cut off the rest of family.
My thoughts and hugs are with you always.

I agree, you need to get out from the situation. Your grandpa sounds like a very creepy person. Let your mom dedicate her life to him if she wants but do not let her dedicate your life to him.... and then later to her??

How old are you? Can you get away from the situation?

Can your grandpa not afford to move to an assisted living facility?
Is your mother using you to preserve her inheritance?
If your family is poor can he get medicaid to pay for nursing care?

I could see helping if you loved your grandfather and if it were an occasional thing but it is not right for you to be so involved in his care.
Your mother should want more for you. If he is so perverse that he
thinks of you as a sex object your mom should put him away from you. I do not understand her.

Do you have brothers and sisters?

Leave that house! Go to a woman's shelter if necessary. You have been and ARE BEING ABUSED by both your grandfather and your mother. This situation is very dangerous for you mentally and physically. Why does no one else see this????? RUN!

There is a lot of guilt and self examination when caring for someone who means nothing to you....It has sent me into high blood pressure and depression. 2 things I never experienced before....My father in law is not a mean person, but I work at home and am with him 24/7. No breathing room for me besides losing work due to the time I spend taking him to doctor's appts. I pray a lot.

I love my mother, but recently it has become harder to 'like' her. She has been abusive and accused me of theft and goodness knows what else. I have spoken to her about the nasty messages left on my answerphone, and she has been amazed i have been upset 'put it down to my being old' she says - but it is hard when i am all the family she has. She hides things because she said a neigbour was rummaging through her things, then whe the lady stopped visiting i got accused of moving, or taking things. She is not subtle with her accusationsand the fact she thinks so little of me hurts most of all.
When she is nasty i have to distance myself for a day or so - she has 2 neigbours who pop in so i know she is safe - that is the only way i can face her and not dislike her for what she is saying. It is so hard and we have both sat there cuddling crying our eyes out after one of her 'sessions' - the air clears, but she can ring up the next morning with another bee in her bonnet about something. As I said, I love my mother, but sometimes it is not an easy thing to do. All that keeps me from wanting to run is that it is only the last few months she has gone strange, and my grandmother was exactly the same only someone else suffered the flack. Old age can be cruel.

It is harder when they do not or cannot apologize for their behavior and you have to just take it. My mom always says "you just take me too seriously" when I finally get fed up with her harsh words.

it would be nice if she'd say - your right - I am sorry but .... that won't happen.

I will add something I have seen my own father do but the caregivers support group said it is not uncommon at all that they accuse you or others of stealing from them. Since they know they are not in control of so much in their life and they forget where they put things, when do not immediately see what they are looking for. It's something we caregivers just have to let go of. It's very difficult as my father got so upset when nothing was stolen anyway. They get paranoid of everyone around them, mostly because they do not remember who they are, even relatives.

Thank you SoAlone, tarthur17, Kissymwah68, ogt, Helpertomany, rockysma, lakeview, and all other posters. I feel like an idiot trying to explain things, I guess I have led a pretty pathetic life. Um, without going into waves of annoying reflection I will try and abbreviate the mess that is my life: I am 39, I was born in WA and have lived no where else, as of yet. My parents divorced when I was 6, my father was gay and died when I was 14, of AIDS, my one sibling (older brother) molested me off and on during my childhood/teen years. When people talk about loving, close, respectful helpful families I feel both confused and resentful, I just don't get it.
At 14 I decided I had had enough of life and meant it, I shut myself away in my room and became agoraphobic for well, the better part of two decades. I have made various attempts to get out and get a life, I have had a job, for six months, did something inappropriate and got fired and deserved it. Did college, well survived it, even the math, nothing came of that, that was about 8 years ago.
My mother does not like me much, but it is useful I am here, my brother who is to this day a jerk to me, I choose to have little to no contact with. My father was an abusive, arrogant jerk who I am glad did not survive into my adult years can not imagine! When I told my mother about the incest she said to my thirteen year old face.."I am glad it happened with david and not someone outside the family we don't know." No we are not "Hillbillies", my mom has a college degree in Social Work! My father worked for the IRS, I guess it just takes all kinds.
I guess, I don't know either I have never had a life or this just IS my life and I should just grab a clue.
I have never had a relationship, I keep my distance from people, any wonder. I have had therapy, both in childhood, (during abuse years) and as an adult, it helps some, and I read self help books, Courage To Heal and so forth. Maybe some of us can't get fixed. I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and take medication, also Anxiety and PTSD, A Borderline Personality Disorder I guess keeps me immobilized. I am not unintelligent and I don't wish to be a selfish, hurtful, unkind person in life. Mostly, I have given up. I feel tied to my mother in an unhealthy sort of way regardless of her disdain for me (sad I know) and just wish we could win a mint buy a lake house and go away for ever.
I know I am a failure and an coward but that is how things are for me. I know people are responsible for there own lives and I am the center of my world and I am the one to make changes...or not...I do believe in God, and do not want to be yelled at in our "post Phil Donahue world" where it is no longer acceptable to be a "lesser than" and a Dr. Phil sort of disdain for other's struggles rules the day.
It is my life I guess, my problem but I am grateful for all your support and insight. I am so deep in it, it always shocks me that people think it could be any other way. I am indigent and not good looking, I have no Prince Charming waiting for me and I just am too much of a coward to make a move of any sort, even to defend myself against all the crap.
I think, everything about my life makes sense. Unfortunately.
I wonder if maybe it wont last. I feel heavy in my chest area and have pains along the sides on my neck and head aches, I am thinking stroke maybe, then I really won't have to grouse or worry about my life anymore. If we go on and have to meet certain goals in this world, I imagine I will be back, I can think I have met any here.

Jsomebody,

Have you participated in a DBT group? They are known for being very effective with someone who has A Borderline Personality Disorder. Such emotional derregulation does make relationships and a stable work experience very, very difficult.

Jsomebody,
I'm soooo sorry life has dealt you this hand. The world can be a cold hard place.
At 44 yrs. old my life became more than I could handle and I gave it to GOD. I had done a poor job of managing it myself. I don't beleive I would have survived without CHRIST.
Since you already beleive might I suggest you dive into the BIBLE and not come out until you are better. The Psalms has been a good place for me as I had some anger issues and was mistreated for decades. The world has become an easier thing to deal with now & I pray GOD helps you also. HE says HE will give us beauty for our ashes. HE has in my case.
I still have my trials and tribulations but I am better prepared for the battle and find some JOY quite often. I am grateful to GOD for having pulled me out of the pit I was in and know HE will do the same for you.
GOD bless and keep you safe in HIS arms.