Mom is 87 taking care of Dad 89 and insists on no help and living at home. Dad has dementia and is no long able to take care of himself. It is now going on 5 years with decline in both of their health. One sister lives in area 50 miles away and has helped each week but has health problems herself. Mom does not want to leave home nor have anyone come into her home to help with care other than her children.All but one live far away. Her health and my father's health are suffering because of this. How would you help get her into a nursing home or insist on more home care withoutarguing or fighting with her. It has reached a point a decision has to be made. How would you handle this? All 5 kids can help with in home care if she would let them if she wants to stay she has refused? How do we do this without giving her a heart attack?
My storyteller friend Laura Simms gave me a story, which I posted on her website about a new wife. Her mother came to visit her from far away, and the wife was sad and hurt. Her husband mistreats her. In that culture, the daughter was stuck in the situation, so the mother suggests to her daughter that she go into the woods and find a special tree. When she can get away, go to the tree and pour her heart out to it about all her troubles.
When the mother visited again in a few months, the daughter was more composed and stronger. They went to talk near the tree. But now the tree was dead. It had absorbed her tears.
This story was thrown out to the "healing storytellers" list for discussion, and you never saw such a bruhaha over a story. Half refused to tell the story unless birds nested in the branches and mushrooms grew from the rotted bark of the dead tree. New life blossoming from one's pain, a purpose to the pain! the other half of us wouldn't change the story one bit. It's crucial to have a solid witness to the degree of the pain you have suffered. Because of the culture, the woman's abuse was not taken seriously, as she was the property of her husband. But the tree reflected back to the woman that she really DID suffer; she survived and became stronger.
I occasionally retell this story on this forum and it doesn't get much comment. This story, and the story of the "Sun Bear" from "Women Who Run with the Wolves," are the two tales that have helped me get hold of myself and survive this caregiving gig, giving up my own life, etc. 8.25 years of it now.
I even threw a wailing fit in the ER a few months ago when I realized that Mom's condition was beyond what I could MEDICALLY care for, and 99% sure she was headed for the nursing home. Miraculously, mom came through all that and is in better shape than she's been in all year. I think Mom witnessing my fit realized I was REAL about trying, and I did everything I could...and it hurt. It wasn't a shrug off situation.
Another option you can consider is respite care or slowly introducing carers to cook and clean and initially being there at the same time as them and slowly allowing trust to be formed, allowing you to slowly let the carers do what they have to do. Wishing you all he best.
Perhaps family members can just 'showup' for a normal visit and then without discussion, start doing 'tasks' around the house without much discussion.
OR take turns staying the parents home even overnight, to help get Mom out of the house for a few hours or even overnight. Be prepared, know what you are dealing with and knowing what to do are very important for this to work.
Talk to 'at home care specialists' to see what services they provide, and perhaps introduce a new 'FRIEND" to your parents that is really from one of these services. Once the 'service person' becomes a friend, it might be easier for them to visit your mother on a regular basis.
Do they belong to a church? Perhaps the pastor could pay them a visit and talk with them about "family helping them'.
God bless you for having family that actually wants to HELP!! Don't stop trying just change your tactics!
He has joined her in an apartment unit and they are really happy, and neither has to lift a finger for anything. However, wrestling care from the "caregiver" was a huge production. They think they are doing "right" by doing their "best'. Not always one in the same....