she will not lift a finger to help in anyway in the house . she refuses to use the washer or dryer i do her laundry, run her bathwater, clean her sheets on bed, make her toast, get her drinks during the day , pick up after her all day long, take her shopping when she wants to go , of course give her her medications, pay her bills for her, and many more things. she is doing MUCH better with the new shots for the schizophrenia , and her other ailments are not that far along yet that she needs me to be doing these things for her. I think shes just enjoying being waited on hand and foot. I mention things to my husband , like her smoking in the bathroom upstairs, nothing said, she has Totally ruined my new 32,000 car yeah the one i was waiting to buy because i have no more children at home and can afford it now ! it smells like a nasty bar now. she smokes in the garage, out front on the porch. if i say anything hes like ok ok i will tell her she has to go , is that what you want ? or i get i know but what do you want me to do about it ? we are selling the house and move to a very nice apartment complex in two weeks. we went there yesterday and yep low and behold she is already telling him oh i want to put a table and chairs out on the patio and hanging baskets with flowers, and i want my bathroom with the purple flowers and you had to see the two of them going on and on . i was looking forward to moving and decorating MY apartment but i basically have no say , shes taking over everything and he is letting her. he says it makes her happy. My mother always told me blood is thicker than water. Oh and dont let me forget to add that i am her primary care giver and i do all this while i have a chronic illness of my own . i make sure she gets and has everythings she needs , and in the process i sometimes forget to take my meds and then hubby gets upset when i get sick. His brother wont help because he cant deal with it , and his sister cant help she did two yrs ago but she has younger teens and they all have issues of thier own so mom cant live with them and she was deemed incompetent to live on her own. She has a trailor house in a nice park in florida but cant live there alone anymore. anyway thanks for letting me vent. i know there are no real answers to this problem but it just feels better to vent.
The answer is equally straightforward: In English.
The real question is what you intend to do when he ignores you and only you can answer that.
Ruth stayed with Naomi because Naomi was NICE to her! I agree that to care for someone who needs care is a good deed, but to take abuse from that person isn't something one is obliged to do. By letting her abuse you, you are letting her "sin". Kiernan30 is in a tough spot, and already feels plenty of guilt.
Bottom line, you do not have to be treated this way. I suspect the MIL has gotten away with this for a very long time, and she is NOT going to change. So either your hubby has to stand up to her, or you have to stand up to the two of them. I think a therapist is a great idea. If that doesn't work or your husband refuses to go (as men frequently do) then get your own place. That will make a very clear statement to hubby and mom. I have a friend who did this, and you'd be amazed how quickly everyone backed down and made the necessary changes.
I honestly FEEL FOR YOU! This is a horrible situation but everyone has given you some great advice. The other alternative would be to sell the tailor and put more in an assisted living facility, where her son could run and visit her.
Stand you ground and best of luck! You do deserve a vacation!
As far as the finances are concerned. MIL has some income of her own if only Social Security so she must pay a reasonable share of household expenses.
If she won't sell the trailer in Florida and that is understandable, it is giving up what she sees as her last piece of independence. Those who don't smoke and I never have find it difficult to understand why people choose to continue with such a filthy habit. That is usually a battle impossible to win so don't continue to be an enabler on that one, it is an addiction plain and simple. Set your bounderies. No smoking in the new car means no smoking. If she lights up pull off the road and tell her to get out until she finishes the cigarette. Work with her plan smoking stops on your route, "only another half mile Mom and you can get out and smoke" Build those extra five minutes into your trip. Take her shopping at your convenience, again don't enable these unreasonable demands. Go shopping in the evenings when hubby is home and leave the fixings for them to make dinner. get your hair done, visit a friend, take a class, go to a movie anything to keep you out of the house till bedtime.
Create a sanctuary in the house where MIL is not allowed to go, be it your bedroom or the basement and put a lock on the door. Likewise give her somewhere private and install a fan that can be activated from outside the room to exhaust the smoke. If you live somewhere warm the only place smoking is permitted is out side. She probably won't respect that rule so give her a warning and the walk up to her and take the cigarette away. Find a paid caregiver who is trustworthy and arrange time off for yourself. MIL is your full time job so consider time off as part of your employment contract.
Above all do not neglect to take your medications. Set up a pill box once a week so you can tell at a glance if you have taken them and put it somewhere where you see it frequently so you know for sure they are taken. this is definitely time for tough love for all three of you.