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she will not lift a finger to help in anyway in the house . she refuses to use the washer or dryer i do her laundry, run her bathwater, clean her sheets on bed, make her toast, get her drinks during the day , pick up after her all day long, take her shopping when she wants to go , of course give her her medications, pay her bills for her, and many more things. she is doing MUCH better with the new shots for the schizophrenia , and her other ailments are not that far along yet that she needs me to be doing these things for her. I think shes just enjoying being waited on hand and foot. I mention things to my husband , like her smoking in the bathroom upstairs, nothing said, she has Totally ruined my new 32,000 car yeah the one i was waiting to buy because i have no more children at home and can afford it now ! it smells like a nasty bar now. she smokes in the garage, out front on the porch. if i say anything hes like ok ok i will tell her she has to go , is that what you want ? or i get i know but what do you want me to do about it ? we are selling the house and move to a very nice apartment complex in two weeks. we went there yesterday and yep low and behold she is already telling him oh i want to put a table and chairs out on the patio and hanging baskets with flowers, and i want my bathroom with the purple flowers and you had to see the two of them going on and on . i was looking forward to moving and decorating MY apartment but i basically have no say , shes taking over everything and he is letting her. he says it makes her happy. My mother always told me blood is thicker than water. Oh and dont let me forget to add that i am her primary care giver and i do all this while i have a chronic illness of my own . i make sure she gets and has everythings she needs , and in the process i sometimes forget to take my meds and then hubby gets upset when i get sick. His brother wont help because he cant deal with it , and his sister cant help she did two yrs ago but she has younger teens and they all have issues of thier own so mom cant live with them and she was deemed incompetent to live on her own. She has a trailor house in a nice park in florida but cant live there alone anymore. anyway thanks for letting me vent. i know there are no real answers to this problem but it just feels better to vent.

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Here's the deal? Would you (or have you) put up with this kind of behavior when your children were growing up? I get it, she is not a teenager.....but, she is a grown ADULT mature woman!! Your husband will never ever say anything to her. It is easier to let you suffer through this madness! Put this lady out to pasture.....pleez! Get her into an Assisted Living home, and grow a backbone girl. She is your MIL, okay? She didn't raise you.....she raised hubby. Why in the green earth would you let this selfish lady take over YOUR life? You only have one life to live, ya know? Don't waste anymore time thinking about what to do. Start looking for a good AL home for her, get her situated, then visit with her once a month. It would be a cold day in hell before I would run someone's bath water.....good grief. Talk about taking advantage. Good luck to you.
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Forgot to mention the idea of renting out the trailer in Florida and all three of you taking a vacation there.
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First of all I assume your husband is the breadwinner in the household. Your MIL can't be left alone so that has become your job. Both husband and wife need down time together or alone,
As far as the finances are concerned. MIL has some income of her own if only Social Security so she must pay a reasonable share of household expenses.
If she won't sell the trailer in Florida and that is understandable, it is giving up what she sees as her last piece of independence. Those who don't smoke and I never have find it difficult to understand why people choose to continue with such a filthy habit. That is usually a battle impossible to win so don't continue to be an enabler on that one, it is an addiction plain and simple. Set your bounderies. No smoking in the new car means no smoking. If she lights up pull off the road and tell her to get out until she finishes the cigarette. Work with her plan smoking stops on your route, "only another half mile Mom and you can get out and smoke" Build those extra five minutes into your trip. Take her shopping at your convenience, again don't enable these unreasonable demands. Go shopping in the evenings when hubby is home and leave the fixings for them to make dinner. get your hair done, visit a friend, take a class, go to a movie anything to keep you out of the house till bedtime.
Create a sanctuary in the house where MIL is not allowed to go, be it your bedroom or the basement and put a lock on the door. Likewise give her somewhere private and install a fan that can be activated from outside the room to exhaust the smoke. If you live somewhere warm the only place smoking is permitted is out side. She probably won't respect that rule so give her a warning and the walk up to her and take the cigarette away. Find a paid caregiver who is trustworthy and arrange time off for yourself. MIL is your full time job so consider time off as part of your employment contract.
Above all do not neglect to take your medications. Set up a pill box once a week so you can tell at a glance if you have taken them and put it somewhere where you see it frequently so you know for sure they are taken. this is definitely time for tough love for all three of you.
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it seems to me your situation is more like MIL bullying daughter in law in the presence of a husband more loyal to his mother. best solution would be not to getup in the morning on time to do the chores. say that you are having backpain or the health problem which you already have. let your husband and his mother manage a few days. once they are accostomed to do their works say after a week or so start joining them. let them realise that in a family each one has to contribute as per their ability and daughter in law is not a servant.
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Kiernan30, maybe you should pick your battles and not try to win the war all at once. For example the smoking, first of all GROSS smell in new car, that is where I would start. Mother-in-law would no longer be allowed to smoke where YOU don't want her to smoke. Period. That's not being unreasonable I don't think. Once you've won that battle, then pick the next one. Make it doable, because getting her out of YOUR house without your husband's support is going to impossible. So that's why I say, pick your battles and stick to them. Really I don't think you should even involve your husband in the battle. Just tell him ahead of time that you're going to talk to his mother about the smoking for example, and if he'll back you up, YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF IT YOURSELF. That may take the constant pressure off him about having to confront his mother about things that, let's face it, he really doesn't think are important. Sorry but true.
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See what stress can do? Make you write and say things you didn't know you wrote and said until the next day or next week. Take a deep breath, get some sleep folks, and get some respite. We caregivers all need down time. I just bought a coffee cup that reads on one side "On Duty" and the other side, "Off Duty". I just turn it to the side I want and show it to my veteran husband. He understands exactly what that means! So go off duty more often caregivers!
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I meant put Mom in an assisted living facility. Sorry!
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I have to say you are all a wonderful group of people because the answers you have given to kiernan30 have been great! My first thought was to leave your husband in charge of his mother while you left on an extended vacation...you deserve it! Perhaps you should be hospitalized for exhaustion/frustration, that might give you a few more days away.

I honestly FEEL FOR YOU! This is a horrible situation but everyone has given you some great advice. The other alternative would be to sell the tailor and put more in an assisted living facility, where her son could run and visit her.

Stand you ground and best of luck! You do deserve a vacation!
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I have concerns that her tobacco will harm you. Slower than a gun but just as deadly. No one has the right to poison another person. A therapist once told me we don't change until our level of discomfort exceeds our level of fear. Seems like you about there.
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@Kiernan - you go, girl!!!! I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but you really WILL feel better once you set (and enforce) boundaries on your MIL. Good luck & keep us posted!!! :)
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So, how old is your MIL? How old are you and your husband? Has he ALWAYS been this way - I mean, a momma's boy? She sounds like a tyrant, and I bet people have always catered to her, probably because she's mentally ill. I have someone like that in my family, and it's like everyone is being held hostage to HIS craziness, because they're afraid if they push the issue the person will get even crazier, or kill themselves or something.

Bottom line, you do not have to be treated this way. I suspect the MIL has gotten away with this for a very long time, and she is NOT going to change. So either your hubby has to stand up to her, or you have to stand up to the two of them. I think a therapist is a great idea. If that doesn't work or your husband refuses to go (as men frequently do) then get your own place. That will make a very clear statement to hubby and mom. I have a friend who did this, and you'd be amazed how quickly everyone backed down and made the necessary changes.
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@Danna24 -

Ruth stayed with Naomi because Naomi was NICE to her! I agree that to care for someone who needs care is a good deed, but to take abuse from that person isn't something one is obliged to do. By letting her abuse you, you are letting her "sin". Kiernan30 is in a tough spot, and already feels plenty of guilt.
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I'm glad to hear that you are putting your foot down about all of this! Your MIL sounds like a pro at emotional blackmail with her use of guilt to make him feel obligated to her. I wish you well as you set down your boundaries.
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You asked a straightforward question: How to tell him.
The answer is equally straightforward: In English.

The real question is what you intend to do when he ignores you and only you can answer that.
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thank you everyone for answering. i appriciate all the advise good bad or otherwise. and most of you are right. i dont know why i am being a push over on this. its time to put my foot down or up some butts. I told my husband several things about my MIL that have been an issue and he said he is going to talk to her . I told him NO WE are going to talk to her. she has manipulated him sooo much since he was a child. He was born premature 4 weeks and he was very small . She tells him the story ALL the time how if it wasnt for her going to the hosptial and feeding him with an eye dropper he wouldnt of lived. and how it was such a struggle to get to the hospital because she was bleeding so bad doctors didnt want her there but she went anyway. OK stop making him feel guilty for being alive ok. SO we are talking to her about using the electric ciggartte and if she does not like that shes going to the doctor where she is going to be put on the patch. No more doing laundry or runnign bath. Figure it out . if you cant run your bath you will stink. if you cant run the washer you will wear dirty clothes. She does not get this treatment at her daughters house as i found out last night. So shes NOT getting it here anymore. Thanks again everyone, i will keep you updated on how this goes.
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To paraphrase Dear Abby (or whoever it was that said this) "You can not be taken advantage of without your permission." - YOU are allowing this behavior to happen and only YOU can stop it. There is no way in HELL (or should I say "heck" for the censory moderators) I would allow ANYONE to smoke in my home OR in my car....why are you??? I don't want to sound like a b-word, but you need to grow a backbone and stand up to your husband AND to your mother-in-law, put your foot down, and MEAN IT. (I like the suggestion of you alone moving to the trailer house in florida...now that would teach both of them a lesson or two, wouldn't it?...haha!) Seriously though...don't just vent and complain about the situation - do something to change it, because it doesn't sound like your husband plans on doing anything about it - why should he? He isn't the one dealing with his mother all day long, right?
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Why don't you take a nice long vacation in your MIL's trailer house in Florida? Only way I see to give your husband a reality check and your MIL an appreciation for what you have done. Time for those two to tackle it alone for awhile and you get a great much needed relaxing vacation!
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My husband complains about things to me about my mother and it is very hard for me to tell her without her getting her feelings hurt. He doesn't complain much but he would like to sit on his own couch sometimes without my mom sitting there 24/7, he would like her not to put dirty knifes and spoons on the counter, he would like her to shut the closest door, he would like her to put her medications away, etc., etc. It is a hard situation because some of the things I don't think are worth mentioning he does. I don't want my mother to come between my husband and I but it is very hard for me to talk to my mom about these things. I do sympathize with your husband Kiernan30 because it's not easy to be in the middle but if you are that unhappy with the situation your husband is really going to have to help you. If it comes down to it I will have to get my mom to change because my husband comes first.
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Now that she's doing better, there's no excuse for this behavior. And yes, I'd start kicking some butt about this too!
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I know what I suggest is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like you need to stand up for yourself. Why do you run her bath? Leave it undone or she can do it. Why do you do her laundry? Leave it undone. You are consenting to be her maid, cook and driver. Stop. Just stop doing the things she can do for herself. If she wants her sheets changed, let them stay dirty until she decides to change them herself. Tough love! Don't expect support from your husband, she has lots of practice manipulating him. If you need support, go to a counselor. She's a narcissist so she will use you until there is nothing left and move on to the next victim. Stop being a victim. When she see's that she can't push you around and treat you like her servant, she will probably decide assisted living or some other arrangement is not so bad. Things will change when YOU change. Good luck Sweetie, I hope you find a solution that works for you.
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You pretty much explained my mother in a nutshell, I do wait on her hand and foot as does my husband even more so. However, there are times he will put his foot down gently and tell her things that annoy us and then she's better for like three to five days and then it starts up again when my lousy sister calls her. I want to help her by getting her things, I enjoy it a lot, but I want to do it when I want to, not when it is demanded. Once the demands fly in, I fly out and sign out. I think she is getting this now if she wants this new relationship to work otherwise her and my lousy sister can get their own place.
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I don't have that problem. My wife immediately tells me what's on her mind loudly, clearly, and repeats it until the problem is solved.
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kiernan30,
I had a very similar situation..didn't involve caretaking, however; everything else fits.
You really need to sit down and talk to your husband! If he will not listen, write it down and give it to him, watch him read it!! This is the type of situation that can break up marriages! REALLY!!
We talked to a counselor about it and it was suppose to change, never did... Talking to a counselor did not change the fact that it was hard for the hubby to approach his mom / dad.
Somehow you need too open his eyes and ears so that he will listen sincerely to you with the focus of the conversation being about "change".
It is so easy to get stuck in a rutt and gripe and complain and then our hubby's ( most of them) just block it out and hear "whaa whha whaa whha whaa..whaa..whaa). Try and start off a new day with a note book and take notes of what happenes through out the day, list events by time.. That way you can just go to him and show him the facts! With the facts, you can now ask for a SOLUTION!!
Hold him accountable, this is his parent.. He really needs to step up.. Good Luck!!
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Leave. Is there a relative or friend you can visit for 5-7 days? Go for a visit. Alone. Stock up the refrigerator, give your husband some notice and get out of town.

Sometimes people can't (or won't) understand a situation without living it themselves. Some call these people narcissists, I think they're just plain self-centered. If something isn't rocking their world, it's not a problem. So, let the situation rock your husband's and mother-in-law's world for a week or so. Then, have a discussion about it.
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How old is this woman? There are users and abusers out there shes sounds like one. Stop her now or she has to go. It's his mother make him make the call. if she can not be a lone have your husband hire some one to hepl you out
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Kiernan30 - You have gotten all very good suggestions from those above me, and I am wondering, why are you allowing yourself to be used like this? Perhaps you need counseling, perhaps you need a vacation, but most of all you have to figure out what you need and want the most for yourself BEFORE you can decide what to do. I would never allow anyone to destroy my health with smoking (secondhand smoking is worse than actually smoking), and I would not tolerate a husband who would allow his mother to dominate me without addressing her behaviors. But, that is me. You have to decide, no one else can motivate you, but you. I really understand about the schizophrenia and I was not aware there were injections for it now (my husband's ex-spouse has that disease). So you know her diagnosis will not change. The only two people who can change in this picture are you and your husband, and the only one you have power over to change is you. No one can make another change. Good luck!
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I absolutely agree with the writing a letter to your husband and setting a specific time to discuss, seeing a therapist to help empower and set healthy boundaries for yourself and for heaven's sake JUST STOP DOING EVERY THING FOR HER! Start by cutting the things she can be doing for herself in half at first to wean yourself away. Then do ONLY what you can do that would not rob you of your energy, dignity or leave you feeling resentful. You DO have a voice use it and used it to write the above letter so use it to express your feelings to your man. I also think it is past time for him to tell her she can no longer smoke inside your home or car. Her smoking should also be monitored because of her specific MH condition for overall safety reasons.

All the best to you! ((Hugs))
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I agree with a couple comments that you should move into your own apartment (if it's economically feasible). I don't agree with the one person who said that your husband and his mother are the priority relationship. God said the husband shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife. You are his priority. granted it's kind and selfless when you offer to take care of his mother, but sounds like you are being used. Caretaking no longer has any value because now it's a chore and burdensome duty, an obligation, not something you are obviously not enjoying anymore. Stop doing things immediately for your MIL (the things that she can do for herself). If she starts to light up in your car, wherever you are turn the car around and go home (if it's before you leave, don't even let her in the car and tell her you're not going anyway until she stops smoking). Second hand smoke is toxic to everyone around who doesn't smoke. It's a huge health hazard. You might want to print out some information and show it to your hubby. I know it sounds harsh, but it will only help her in her last days on earth. My sister used to do everything for my mom because my felt she earned being waited on. I would never do anything because I didn't want my mom to become so lazy yet so dependent that if she were in a place where her only choice was to do something for herself, then she would be a wreck. she already suffered from depression/anxiety but I didn't want her to give up on life if she were forced to do one thing that my sister always took care of. And sure enough, my mom did give up and made no efforts to recover when she was seriously ill from a botched operation. I mentioned to my sister that that was what i feared. It's hard to see your loved ones give up and go through hell during that process. We always want to be strong even in the end. That $500/mo. would help purchase groceries/gas/etc. or even the sale of the trailer would bring in cash that could be set aside in a bank account for expenses while earning some type of interest. Your husband is unfortunately not seeing that right now there is no balance. Yes it's noble to take care of your MIL, but God never intended us to be lopsided. He knows we are uncapable of handling all the pressures at once. So, if you can just lay down the law to him, whatever it is you need, then act on it. Telling him won't work, you have to do it to show him you meant business. I hope you find relief soon.
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I agree that a spouse should be first in each other's lives. However I believe that a spouse should also agree that if possible that they should assist each other in the care of one another's parents where possible. Look at the story of Ruth in the Bible where she stayed with her mother-in-law when her husband died. Ruth refused to leave Naomi when she insisted that she return to her family because she had no one to take care of her. All of Naomi's son's had died. Ruth insisted on staying to take care of Naomi in her old age. Ruth was her daughter-in-law. Naomi wasn't Ruth's responsibility, yet she chose to stay with her and look after her. We forget that life isn't all about us and what we want at times. It's a harsh thing to grasp at times. Sometimes' it isn't fair. I think to myself one day I'm going to be there.
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You need to learn to set boundaries. The problem is with you not with them. When you learn to set your boundaries and stick to them you will stop being abused by your mother in law and your husband. Yes I said abused. you are in an abusive relationship and the only one who can help you get out is yourself. This is your life. You are the only one who decides how you will live it. Get help from a Life Coach or a Counselor.
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