Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You sound as if you feel you are without power. Counseling can be very helpful in such a situation. You can learn how to leverage your strengths and resolve this painful conflict. And please hang in there if you don't like the first therapist you try. Find the right one for you and enjoy the freedom of having an ally to help lift this heavy burden.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My thought too as Ms. Dag.. said, I'd go to Florida too, see ya wouldn't want ta be ya
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I recommend that you and your husband read the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud. It has a very good chapter about relating with elderly parents. I'd also recommend looking in the yellow pages for a marriage and family counselor.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dear Kiernan30,

Your husband is being passive because it's easier for him to ignore the problem. Unfortunately, ignoring your feelings will kill your marriage. As others have pointed out, it's time for a non-threatening sit-down with your husband. Get your thoughts organized about what you want to change (no smoking in apt or car, mom has to contribute by selling her trailer and helping to pay household expenses, doing certain chores, etc.) It is perfectly reasonable for her to help out financially and with chores. Everyone in the household needs to respect each other. You are not a servant and your life is important too.

You can make sure MIL has a designated area to smoke in the complex. If she wants to live with you, she needs to abide by the rules of the house.

It doesn't have to be confrontational, your husband needs to understand that this needs to be fair to all. He needs to do his part to manage his mother and respect you. But you will really need to stick to your guns.

Now, if he doesn't get it, then it's time for counseling. You and he both will need to decide how you want the marriage to go. It will either get stronger or it will continue to sour until one of you decides to end it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If you can afford to live in the same apt. building then do it.I could not handle your problem. I'd leave. God Bless
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Why don't YOU go live in the nice trailer in Florida and let HIM take care of his mother. After all, they wouldn't want that nice trailer to fall into disrepair. ;)
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

I'd get my own apartment in the same complex and let him and his Mother live together in another apartment in the same complex . Win , Win. You can invite him over if you'd like to see him. Its time for you to think about what's BEST for You, not him or her they have each other. I've said this a million times , I would never take care of a spouse's parents. ( NEVER) . But I will say my Husband has been wonderful with both my parents. My Daddy passed last summer and spent his final 3 months in our home and my Mummy has ALZ and 3 months into it , I put her in a Group Home ( she has very bad Sun Downing). I could not deal with her. My Daddy was a doctor himself and so is my Husband. My hubby goes to see my Mummy more than me. Thank G-d their is money for care. We were paying 10 grand a month for in-home care for my Daddy and found out that most of the caregivers had no training at all. They were being paid 10 dollars a hour and the company was taking the rest. Most were recovering addicts. Hospice was WONDERFUL to my Daddy and all of us. My Mother did not get along with many of the nurses that came into my parents home but on the unit she liked them . They were wonderfully kind to let my Daddy stay longer , we only have 5 day turn around units here where I live. Sadly you pass away in those 5 days or go back to where you were before and they come to You. Good Luck . Its hard to pick but , your husband is your life partner not his Mothers. You should matter more. JMHO. Its one thing Mothers and sons and Daughters and their Daddy's but when it is husband and wife that's should be FIRST! If not I would be getting out of this one for sure. But that's me. You don't need to sit down , you need to stand up for yourself and your own well being!!!!!! As woman we put our families first for many years and then when they are Grown and GONE and moved Out , then its our parents turn to need us. Baby Boomers will spend more time ( its now said) taking care of their parents than they did their own children. Good Luck and I hope you start to think about your own Life and what's important to YOU and only YOU! Also tell your Mother in-law if she keeps smoking she will no longer be allowed in your car. She has money let her take a cab or a bus. Nasty habit , I'm shocked someone her age still does it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is my understanding that in healthy relationships there is no need to pick or choose between people. There is enough love for everyone, most important in my opinion is the love of the self, this is first and foremost before we can love, help or do for anyone else.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your husband seems to have no clue what to do. Talk to your physician about it and have him recommend a family counselor. If he won't go with you, go yourself. These co-dependent relationships suck the life out of you. Maybe all 3 of you can go together and learn how to make the relationship work. Of course, everyone needs to apply what they learn and cooperate, but a counselor and help you develop healthy coping skills if some parties are not doing their part.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think you need to sit down and write out the pro and cons of this situation for your husband. But ask him if the shoe was in reverse what would happen then, although you would still be the caregiver. This is a person that he has known and loved all of his life understandable however it is putting a tremendous strain on your marriage and you need to point that out to him. What about talking to an assisted living manager on how to deal with the situation. They may be able to put you in contact with a counselor or something. But most of all you need to sit your husband down and really get his full attention and advise him on what it is doing to you in the meantime.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You very much need to go see a counselor/therapist to work on ths issue. Ask for a referral from your GP. Go see someone alone. With the help of that person, decide if you want to go see someone together with your husband, or if it's time to cut your losses and move out. There's a lot of space between setting bounderies with your mother in law/his mother and telling her to "git".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I learned a long time ago that the bond between a mother and a son is stronger than the love between a wife and her husband. A wife should never ask a husband to chose between her or his mother she if she is smart and truly loves him. Not only that, but a wife has to understand that as the mother of the husband ages she might have to assist him with her care and if she doesn't try to develope a friendship with her mother- in-law then resentment and alienation will set in and possibly even break up your marriage.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Get your own apartment and let your husband move in with mom.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

That $565 would pay for a housekeeper, taxi fare to shop AND a laundry service!
I would communicate something important like this in a letter form. This way you can make all your points clearly without being interrupted and losing your train of thought. It helps me anyway. He will have time to digest and understand your point of view before discussing it together.. Start positive (ie; I love you and helping take care of your Mom is something I do out of that love.BUT....This is my life too, and we need to make some compromises) Make all your points as clearly and precisely as you can. Then set a time for THE NEXT DAY to sit and talk about solutions. Just a suggestion, hope it helps. Sometimes just the writing itself takes a big load off.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

she wont go to a assited living home or nursing home. first she is stubborn and own her home in florida in the park where she lived, shes not willing to sell that . the excuse is we can keep it incase anyone wants to go to disney land/world wichever one it is. shes paying 565 a month for an empty house. uughh. then she wont quailfy for nursing home because she can do the basics for herself. bathe, feed, an so on . Just cant do them here ! but why would she want to when shes got a full time maid cook driver, and so on. we are going soon for guardianship and we will see what happens after that. I have NO intentions of getting my hopes up for things to change. but we will see. Thank you for answering my post.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I understand you are venting, but here are my ideas on this.

Your husband is putting his mother ahead of you as his wife which is not right. It also sounds like you are getting used as the caretaker without any concern for your own health issues. It's time for a heart to heart discussion with your husband about his mom and you two as a couple. Tell him that he can't have you taking care of her and then get mad at you for not taking your meds. That is not fair. I also think it is time for some boundaries with your MIL by saying know to doing everything for her. That will not be easy, but you need to take care of yourself.

I don't know what kind of nursing home would take her given her mental health issues, but she is obviously too much for one person. Is there such a thing as a psychiatric nursing home?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter