How do I get my mother to stop saying offensive things?
My mother is 84 has a good mind and has been in charge her whole life (a divorced school teacher) she now thinks she knows everything! For the past few years whenever I take her anywhere she tells people that she is going to "cut them" In her mind she is just repeating a line from an old movie (Harlem Nights) When we go out to eat to the store anywhere she just walks up and says "I cut people" I have tried to tell her in a joking manner that it is no longer funny and that the movie is so old "over twenty years" that many people have no idea that is what she is referring to. I have been taking her to a beauty school to get her hair done to keep her from cutting her own hair (she never was a stylist) and she just got kicked out of there because the owner claims that the staff was afraid of her, (It was silly no 24 yr old with a flat iron in her hand should be afraid of a 84yr old lady sitting in a chair) However we can not go back, I now tell her that she cannot say that anymore. She has slowed down
but not completely stopped. Short of tape on the mouth what can I do! I am running out of beauty schools the one that kicked her out was close by. I now have to take her someplace 40 minutes away. (My mother is cheap and will not go to a stylist in the area)
I have all of this with my mother.
They enjoy making these kinds of comments and then standing back to see the results. They are masters at this and do it for maximum shock value and to get a reaction, also to provoke. It gives them the attention they crave and in many cases it is narcissistic supply.
I would take her for an assessment if it is something new that she is demonstrating, however if it has been there most of her life and surfaced in earlier years, then it is just part of her personality. Mine has always had a very skewed sense of humour, enjoyed telling bad news before anyone else to get the "credit" and attention she craved, also enjoyed passing along news items especially if it involved animal or child abuse. She would also find pleasure in recounting others' medical stories, the gorier the better (especially at dinnertime).
They are also experts at bringing up past stories and actions by others (never themselves) which end up usually being grudges they have against others or some horrible thing someone did that was much worse than something THEY would ever do. It's to give themselves importance and to make themselves look better than they really are.
I'm afraid there isn't much you can do about it other than mention it to their family dr. but in most cases it is either their personality, or a degree of dementia, which has already been mentioned on here.
It can become dangerous, however, when these comments are racist, otherwise they are just plain hurtful and should be ignored. I have tried to address these types of comments with my mother but she just turns it back on me and accuses me of being "too sensitive" and "trying to make something out of nothing" (will not acknowledge the comments nor take responsibility for them). This is, of course, the sense of entitlement talking.
I hired a caregiver to take my mom shopping. Your Mom does need to be evaluated. Call her doctor. And don't take her ANYWHERE until that happens. If she cuts her own hair, remember it grows back! I hope everyone's ideas and comments give you some strength to put yourself first.
I have noticed from reading many posts on this site that if a parent is nasty, selfish and entitled in their younger days, it only gets worse when they get old.
I learn something about this problem of bad behavior every day. Thanks for posting.
Meanwhile, don't rescue her from the fallout. She is kicked out of the local beauty school? Guess she'll have to pay full price at a local beauty shop then, won't she? Why should you drive 40 minutes each way because of her misbehavior.
Try to find out what is going on with this otherwise intelligent woman. And stop enabling her.