How can I get my mom's money from my sister?
Mom has lived with me for 2 1/2 years, and until very recently, I had not seen her bank account--my sister managed moms money. Sister recently told me she wanted out and is turning everything over to me, and for me to care for mom how I see best, and she will no longer interfere. (More to that part of the story later). That day (July 17th) was a breakthrough in an enormous struggle between caring for my mother, and my sisters remote-managing our personal lives . Or so I thought....
Sis has held moms bank account for years. I have mom in my home. Sis tried micro-managing our household through moms money, claiming I'd blow it if she didn't, so to keep the peace for moms sake, I kept quiet and let her. We cared for Mom and she had no expenses here.
Sis took thousands over time and set them in a separate account. Mom was my priority and we managed without the use of her Soc. Sec.
Sis only saw mom on occasion for driving her to doc appointments and an afternoon out. Maybe once a month, but one day they stopped at a nursing home and went in. Mom got excited that she'd have all those fun activities and people all around to talk to, so she wanted to go in! The staff told my sister it was the first time they had ever seen anyone who wanted to go to a nursing home! So I cried so much pain when I heard the news.....and kept it to myself. Mom thought she was in hog heaven! And she was relieeved she would no longer be a burden to me...(which she was not, but in her mind, she was).
She went in and I hated my sister for doing that. It was wrong Mom did not belong there.
On the 4th week in the nursing home, my sister called me, expessed how exasperated she was having to run and do things for mom. (I cannot drive, I am legally blind) and she said she was near her wits end. I told her mom never neede3d to go, she can come home any time.
Sis called again two days later--this time so upset she was crying, telling me she has had it! She just can't take the running any longer and it is stressing her so bad she was going to have a nervous breakdown! Then she said to me "I thought if I put Mom in the nursing home I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore!" God as my witness. Hubby heard too.
That did it. I told her mom ws coming home.
I went straight to the Nuring home, told the staff what just happened and started to unravel Mom from the process and get her home. It was gonna be a few days. In the meantime, my sis had applied for Medicaid for Mom, and it was still in the decision process.
Sis emailed me and told me she was turning all moms finances over to me. She was done. She brought all moms personal papaers and documents over. She had these since she paid moms bills and managed her money. She told me I could just take care of Mom as I saw fit and do whatever it took to appease her. Whew, what a relief! This was one happy household when Mom came back home and we were hopefully going to be at peace noww instead of sis butting in and meddling. (What I mean by that is if we used moms debit card for anything, we had to account for it. If she thought we were using it too much, she'd have a cow. She left Mom just a couple hundred dollars in her account each month to get her personal thigs, and she wanted to know where it was spent).
On July 24th, I saw moms account for the first time. I could see back about a year and a half, and money was being moved into sis's personal account. Sis admitted she put mom's money is a separate account (about 7,500.00 to 8,000.00), for safe keeping--in the event Mom "needed something''. But I see over 11,000.00 moved in those months. She said she wants to keep Moms money that she saved for her. She refuses to let me, moms long-time caregiver and now agent for POA, have access to it, yet wants nothing to do with our mother.
When I asked to see this money and its where-abouts, she became extremely irrate, drove over here to my home, told me there was no way in hell I was getting my hands on that money and screamed FU in my face-then punched me. All I wanted was to see it! I had never ever seen her behave like that before!!!! I was shocked. A police report was made and she is barred from this home now.
I told mom..I had to.
It is my desire to continue to provide moms care, without hindrance from another who feels compelled to set our mothers money aside for 'whatever mom needs". I too feel the same, however I see a misguided sense of 'responsibility' in this case. There are many issues that play into this (as you can imagine), and know that these things can and do run deep. (Jealousy, control issues, depression)
Also, Mom has since qualified for Medicaid. I want to tell them what is going on, that sis has stashed moms cash for 'her needs'. whatever that means.
Attorneys won't touch this with a 10 foot pole. It's stupid. It is Moms money. Not hers to keep hidden.
I have contacted Elder Affairs, have not heard anything from them yet. HELP!
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Elder Affairs representative called me a few days ago...he doesn't like what's going down here, and is coming to talk with Mom about her rights to her own funds. He fully understandsd that there is a hint of selfish greed here. I spoke wit him last spring too, so he had background on my situation a long time ago. I contacted him to tell him my sister had all moms money tied up and it was causing problems for all of us. So lets see what next week brings. Personally, I'd like to see the money in anyone else's hands but these two women who justify stealing it by accusing me of spending it. Siiiigh. I feel okay with whatever happens. Just as long as they keep their manic mood swings and off the wall accusations away from me.
:) Peace
To get the siblings off my back. I Record every penny and hire weekend help for respite. Bless you, hang in there and big kisses to mom.
First "blind daughter" has low vision which poses very little issue in Moms care. The only issue concerning Moms care is transportation, and there are means to abide by that suit that purpose quite well. In fact, as truth stands, the ONLY time Sissy spent with Mom was for that sole purpose-- Transport ----with a few exceptions. Just a few years back she'd come and just take her out for a day or bring her something. But I can assure you with absolute confidence and truth from the soul that was All.
I have countless emails, not only from Sissy, but from our other sister as well, expressing the difficulty in caring for Mom. Both sisters admittedly cannot and will not take on such a task as it is just 'too much and too hard" to deal with Mom. They exaggerate how Mom is demanding and unappreciative Mom is and how stubborn she is. The exasperation in their voices when I listen to them as they talk about our mother being so difficult is absolutely uncalled for, as they seem to think their Mom is the epitome of a hard core care case. Neither of these two women have a clue about love--neither have a clue about compassion and heartfelt caring, as one sister has two grown sons--one barely tolerating her at all, and the other son has not spoken to her in many years (10 or more) and shields his family from her. He moved them from FL to GA just to get his children away from her. Sissy, the one I am dealing with here has NO children. She has dogs..and her love is her dogs. She does rescue work, and is very good at her job and responsibilities with care, and placing them in homes. It is not uncommon for her to have 7 to 10 dogs at any given time, including the 5 she owns herself. She is an excellent caretaker--for dogs. Mom, she cannot tolerate and as I said, I have it in writing---over and over again on different dates. And I have heard it with my ears too many times to count.
The nursing home thing was a joke. It was a power play by Sissy. Think what you like--we lived it. We watched as Sissy planted the idea seeds. Mom liked the idea. We kept silent. (We means my husband, and my three adult sons.) We let it play out. Mom was happy for the first few days to a week or so in there...all new, all different--then she got to where she was not even getting out of her room, refusing to get involved with activities and exercise and other people. By the third week, Sissy had completely stopped coming by and that is when she called me and told me she was at wits end. She told me Mom kept calling her to do little things for her and she just didn't have time, didn't have the energy, and was just too overwhelmed with her own stuff. I reminded her mom never needed to go in there.
The nursing home staff had already determined Mom was not in need of their services, and that she never even needed to be admitted in the first place. Mom hand wrote a note to herself that says " I was just told I don't belong here". I still have that note.
Two days after Sissy called me to complain about not having time or energy to go deal with Mom, she called again. This time, she was completely out of her mind! She was crying and told me again she just cannot deal with Mom any long, and then told me she thought by putting Mom in a nursing home she would not have to deal with her any more. At that point Sissy had not visited Mom in several days, and Mom was calling her to pick up this, or please get her that...and Sissy had had enough. She cried that she was done and she couldn't take Mom anymore. I told her I was bringing mom home. And I did.
Sissy voluntarily turned over access to Moms account two weeks later. She told me she was done. She told me she was going to stop interfering in our lives and I could have moms full soc. sec. check to spend as I saw fit for Mom. I felt both relief and apprehension--I knew this was not the real deal..I knew this was not the end of her causing dissention in the family. I never said a word. BUT I already had planned to obtain Representative Payee from Social Security, after all Mom lived with me since 2010 and I had been paying for the majority of her care. I didn't mind. Money would have helped and we did the best we could. Mom never went without. After the little stint in the nursing home, Mom was no longer going to be used as a pawn.
I left the account so Sissy could see just how I did spend Moms money. I had nothing to hide, unlike her. So she could peer into the account any time she wanted. We got Mom treats and healthy foods we normally could not always afford. I paid a few small bills, and got Mom new bras and pads and whatever she mentioned she wanted from Walmart. And we bought her a new MUCH NEEDED bed, and new pillows and coverings. Mom was thrilled, but Sissy was livid. Moms new bed got tuned into 'a whole room full of furniture, and then what next, you whole house too!". Yes, Sissy was mad cos Mom got a bed and I might just decide to furnish the whole house while I am at it. Hmmmm. Welp, here we go! I spent Moms money on things she needed and wanted...it IS her money..and Sissy didn't like that. After all, why wasn't I just saving it? Why do I have to spend every dime of moms money! (There was over 400.00 at the end of the month in August, mind you) .
If you think 'blind daughter' may be lacking in some capacity to care for Mom, then you better think again. This home provides peace, security and love. I do not see Mom in the same light that my sisters do....I see Mom as one of the most benevolent beings on the planet! She is kind, and always says thank you, and she is funny! We laugh alot, we sit together and spend time together. We have a good bond and Mom knows she is well cared for. I never ONCE--EVER batched about caring for Mom to my sisters in the way they have! I just don't see it! Never did! I grow flowers and a huge vegetable garden, for her to see outside her window, and have a regular bird feeder and a hummer feeder there to watch bird theatre all day. She has an excellent life. And she is loved by me, hubby and her three grandsons who all dote on her.
As for spending Moms money down to avoid medicaid, no, that is not what she did. She simply lied about Moms assets. Nothing was spent down. It was hidden. My other sister has it and they can keep it.
These two sisters (both Jehovas Witnesses) have hated each other for many years. I have been the mediator between the two of them for almost 20 years. They cannot get along. They fight and blame each other for the stupidest things!!! and I have listened to both sides. Now that Mom is in my care and Sissy turned the bank account over to me, those two sisters have gotten along pretty darn well. Interesting. They have a nest egg to share. They can have it. I have Moms trust and I get to see her every day and laugh and care for her the way she did me when I was little. If this helps the two of them get along better, so be it.
So Igloo, nice try, just not quite on target. Actually, with the skills and ability to surmise the situation, I'd love to have you over and share some coffee or tea, and maybe with your keen insight, you might be able to show me a perspective on things that would help me cope with the loss of a sister I once trusted and loved dearly, and also cope with the full brunt of caring for an elderly parent without any help (other than money management) from my siblings. Both of my sisters are bi-polar, and are on some serious medications that I think need re-evaluating. I have forgiven them over and over again for the mean and hateful things they say and do, but no more. They both drain my energy and I need it to keep on keeping on. Know what I mean? :)
Yesterday I was completely locked out of moms bank account so I had to get mom to her bank and we closed the account and sis has abosultely no access any longer. There is more distorted crap happening with this, and I will spare you all, just know that you can steal money from somebody you have a joint account with and it's appearantly ok. So nothing I can do to recover what Mom lost, but at least now her Soc. Sec. is 100% protected . I can live with that. My sister has to live with herself. Thanks again for your insights!!
Oh, as for adult protective services, I never got a call back..appearantly stealing a parents money is not that important, and I suppose that is true compared to people with real problems out there!!!
Sissy for the past 2.5 years has been managing mom's finances.
Mom has not objected to Sissy's management. Sissy see's mom regularly and takes her to medical appointments and other outings.
Mom lives with Ann who is handicapped as she is blind & doesn't drive.
Sissy provides mom (& therefore Ann) with debit card for mom's needs.Ann does not ask for personal service contract or other payment (income) for her caregiving. Therefore Sissy does not have to do a 1099 to Ann for the $ spent.
Sissy regularly hears from mom that she (mom) finds living at Ann's worrisome and often feels she is a burden @ Ann's especially since Ann is blind. Mom worries about what would happen in an emergency, etc. Ann can't drive.
Sissy realizes that mom's living @ Ann's will be problematic long term & starts to "spend down" assets for the day that mom needs NH. In 18 mo, Sissy spends 11K or $ 611 a mo. with 8K diverted to an emergency account for mom. Sissy still provides a monthly amount in the debit card for mom's needs during that time for Ann. Sissy pays for mom's expenses - could have paid for insurance, Rx, dentist,glasses, clothing, burial policy, old debt,hearing aides. We don't know what the 3K $ spent on over 18 months.
Mom goes to visit NH and just loves it - staff is astounded to have a resident that
can't wait to move in. Mom passes NH evaluation for medical necessity for NH.
Mom applies for Medicaid. Application passes state review. Whatever Sissy did with assets was acceptable to state NH Medicaid eligibility review.
Sissy moves mom into NH and signs over mom's income for payment, etc as per state's NH Medicaid rules. Sissy feels mom's future care will be secure. Relief.
Ann goes to NH and makes NH discharge mom to her care.
NH contacts Sissy. Sissy is at wits end in having to deal with Ann & feels Ann is not realistic for what is best for mom's long term and her own situation.......
Maybe this isn't Sissy at all but I bet alot of the above is. It is all so very sad as what the focus of all this energy and time should be about what is best over the long haul for mom. Careful what you wish for as Elder Affairs or APS may find that a blind caregiver who cannot drive should not be given this responsibility & then recommends that an outside guardian be named for your mom or names a independent temporary guardian until best suitability is determined legally.
I bet attorney's won't touch it because what Sissy has done would likely be viewed as the best situation for mom's long term needs rather that taking mom out of a NH and into living with a blind daughter no matter how good your intentions are. 8K special account is a very modest amount and could well be the set aside for burial or for dental or 6 - 8 weeks of NH room & board. 3K spent over 18 mo is $ 166 a month, again a modest amount to spend. You said Mom "was excited to move into a NH" which staff can attest to, that doesn't show your acceptance of your mom's expressed feelings. Sissy's spend down could be viewed as a financially savvy & prudent act of a daughter concerned about stability & ability of her mothers care & caregivers. If APS compares living in a skilled & staffed NH vs. living with a perhaps limited ability caregiver, that doesn't look good for you. So really think through all this as evenly as possible.
There's always the other side of every story.
I don't think that in order to legally get this money you will be able to stay anonymous for too long. I am livid just reading this story of greed and anger towards you by your sister. she sounds like my sister.