MIL has been with us for 10 years. Always smiling and "happy", she doesn't ask for anything but gets me to do it for her i.e., "I'll take my shower now and then you can set my hair..." "I think I'll get myself some cold water...." (and she won't move but must have the water.( I saw myself in The Help movie....
Yes after been on here ive had to harden up with mum and get her doing things just small things that i know she can do like making a pot of tea or getting her own water.
Funny ill run around all day for her then when she asks me if i want tea as im not making any moves to do it she will give a big sigh like making a small pot and one cup is so much easier for her than 2 cups??
at first i was like a headless chicken afraid to let her do anything as i didnt really know what this illness could do and was terrified shed do something dangerous then after joining here i realised that i was been a bit paranoid and get her moving her ass now as its not good to let them just sit all day and do nothing although it is great peace for us when they are not causing a mess somewhere.
Two weeks ago myself and the cleaner cleared and cleaned the 2 spare rooms upstairs now they are cluttered again and guess what i am afraid to tell the cleaner as she gets so mad as she just cant understand it! Ive locked the doors with keys and shes kicked off saying its her house but constantly cleaning up is so draining i just cant keep doing this and sometimes i have a feeling the cleaning lady may give up and not come back!
Look, it's great that she's sunshine and smiles, it's great that she's 90 and active, I'm all in favour of encouraging her to stay as independent and busy as possible - that's wonderful. But the fact remains that she is 90, she is going to need help with things like dressing her hair nicely and all the rest of it, so *somebody* does have to be around to do those things.
Only, not you. Not after the battering you've had over the last - let's say 4-5 years, because before you had treatment you must have been ill.
So, approach the subject of change with her again: put all options on the table, from extra help at home to maybe a move to a nice, nearby centre for her. But this time, it's not about her health and wellbeing, and it's nothing to do with her not being a nice person (I expect she is, I expect she's mostly a poppet) - it's about what YOU need. And that's not for her to say.
Oh, and who is the "us" that she's been living with for ten years, by the way? Is there by any chance a Son of MIL, i.e. your husband, who ought to be getting his handsome self up off the couch and helping you with this difficult conversation?
Be firm with yourself. Be patient with your MIL. Let her do for herself what she can do for herself. Maybe even let her help you a bit. "While you are up, would you bring me a cup of coffee?"
As for the water, a comment such as "I'm glad to see you're able to get water for yourself. It's really encouraging to see you doing so much for yourself."
And I agree with Blannie's and A & A's comments. You have to reverse what's become tradition. Giving MIL credit, she may have come to rely on the relationship of her announcements and your responses, so it's time to change that dynamic.