How do you get someone with dementia to go to respite care, someone who refuses and is belligerent?

There are elder care/gerontology practitioners, usually nurse practitioners or social workers who specialize in dementia, who will consult and even do interventions to help a family move a demented, cantankerous loved one to a facility. I'm sure they would do it for respite trips to a facility, also. I cannot remember the exact name or association that these people belong to, but maybe someone else here knows what I'm talking about. I looked into it last year, but never had to actually use one. I live in Va., and there were 6 or 8 of them right in my city. My best to all of you. What a journey we are in the midst of!!

Yes, my mom was always so "prissy" and clean..everything was SO clean. If she only knew what she was doing, she would freak out. She is just like a 2-3 year old, maybe worse. She can't be left alone for a minute. She will go into other residents' rooms and steal their things, thinking they are hers. She had a nice watch on the other day and I said, "where did you get that watch?....she tells me, "It's mine, I bought it at a store". She doesn't go OUT to the store unless it's with me. Purses, lipstick (she was always a BIG user of lipstick), chapstick, etc..I don't know how many I bought her and she lost all of them...lol So, I just stopped buying them and carry a lipstick her color in my purse for her. oops...think I got OFF topic. SORRY!!!

That story was when mom lived with me. She is at the NH now and I visit often at different times of day and night. The other day I visited and as soon as I got there, she grabbed by hand and said, "come on, I've GOT to go pee", so I take her to her room's bathroom and of course she's already forgotten that she had to pee and just stands there looking at me like....what are doing in here? I tell her...you have to pee. She pulls down her pants and pamper and it is SOAKING wet with little poop balls in it. I take them off of her and say, "you're constipated again, huh?..she says yes. I turn my head to get some toilet paper and turn back around and she has already DUG another poop ball out of her but with her finger and is "RINSING" it off in the sink. I tell her...OH,,no...we don't dig the poop out with our fingers! She said, it's only ONE finger" LOLOL. She never remembers to wash her hands and I have to remind her and SHOW (model for her) how to scrub the fingernails with the soap to get that old poop out. She's always got dirty fingernails even though I cut them short and she gets SO MAD..they grow fast and are hard as rocks. Not me..mine are like paper.

Teachergear1 - Your mom's current level of functioning sounds so much like my mom's. We have similar problems with toileting. She flushed something down a while ago that blocked the pipes completely. Plunging did nothing. A friend/handyman got it cleared, and then disabled the toilets so only someone who knew the secret way could flush them. One, I take off the lid to the tank and pull up the hook on the the chain, then put the hook back where it was. The other, he attached a chain to the plug in the tank. the other end of the chain comes out the back of the tank, under the lid and out to the side, where she would never see it, so I can pull the chain to flush it. It's a good thing, because yesterday she put two partially used rolls of toilet paper (still on the tubes, not unrolled!) right in the toilet. Gross that I had to fish them out, but at least it didn't ruin the plumbing / cost an arm and a leg. I can beat you on the wiping issue - mom uses her index finger to "get the poop out because it won't come out" otherwise. Ugghhh! Then she briefly, if at all, rinses her hands and wipes them on a towel. It took me a long time to figure it out, I thought she was just being sloppy when she wiped, until I caught her in the act. Then she comes out smelling like poop, and I used to have to fight her to get her to wash her hands better, she says "I did wash them" and she actually can't smell it at all - I guess her sense of smell is gone. I often have to use leverage like, "I'll make breakfast after you wash your hands" in a nonjudgmental tone - any sense I'm criticising her and she digs in her heels and I get absolutely no cooperation. When she gets anywhere near the sink I liberally pour our mild dishwashing liquid all over her fingers, or rub the bar of soap all over them, especially hoping to get it under her fingernails, then she is forced to work on them to get it off. Sometimes she knows this is bad and she voluntarily goes to the kitchen sink (for some reason she never washes them enough in the bathroom!) and washes them well on her own. I tried buying her surgical gloves but for some reason she opened the box and scattered them all over the house! I have been trying to get more fiber into her diet, and adding fiber tablets to her meds, that seems to be helping some, she isn't doing it as often, and more cooperative about washing when she does. I also try to remind her, in a humorous or nonjudgmental way just before she goes into the bathroom, "Please don't use your finger in your bottom, you really don't need to do it that way, it just seems that way." and she agrees with me, if we are getting along well at that time. I know this is disgusting, and "too much information"! I hate dealing with the issue at all, but it helps to remind myself that she dealt with plenty of my and my brothers messes when we were babies, and that was before the day of disposable diapers. Her old, fastidious, in-her-right-mind self would be mortified if someone told her what kinds of things she does nowadays!

But I digress- I was going to suggest disabling the toilets like we did, so she can't flush a whole roll down. This may be too much trouble, but maybe you could also make a limited amount of t.p. available by the toilet at any one time, and hide the actual roll where you can get to it when you need it. Maybe put a reasonable amount of toilet paper for one visit to the bathroom in a small basket or box on the counter by the toilet and tell her this is her toilet paper, just for her, and she can use as much of it as she wants. Then keep an eye on it and replenish it when needed. A lot of trouble, but it might reduce the amount of time you have to stand there and physically monitor and fight with her over her toileting. You might have to only be directly involved in the last step with the wipes. If this works, it might relieve some of the burden and restore some peace to your relationship. I hope this helps!

jeannegibbs--My DPOA gives me COMPLETE control over my mother. She has Alz and mentality of a 3 year old. She MUST have someone to do make EVERY decision for her. She doesn't know what year it is, how old she is, WHERE she is...ever..even if it's the town she's lived in for 40 years, she recognizes nothing. I have total and complete power over where she goes, what she does, IF she goes anywhere and for how long. I have total control over WHAT doctors she sees...etc. It is like she is my 3 year old child. I keep my DPOA papers handy and always have copies to show new docs, nursing homes, police, whoever I need to show them to to prove that I am who I say I am. When she lived with me, she always wanted to go to her doctor appts, etc. ..she just liked to get into the car with me and go. My problem was her hitting me and arguing with me. Example: She'd say she needs to go poop. I help her go there or she walks and I follow. I stay there and watch her because she will use an entire roll of toilet paper if I don't stop her. Yes, she gets mad because I'm "watching her" to make sure she doesn't use an entire roll and I have to have the septic tank flushed AGAIN. She would get mad and say, "I'm going to stand up and poop on the floor". I'd tell her, no, we poop in the stool. She'd try to stand up and poop on the floor and I would "help" her to SIT on the stool..this would go on for over an hour. Sometimes she would poop on the floor while I was tryiing to get her to sit back on the stool but most times, she realized I was just going to sit her back down on the stool if she stood up and she would poop in the stool. Then, I started wiping her because she would wipe from back to front...dragging poop to the vagainal area which causes infections and more doc appt. No matter how many times I'd "model" how to wipe from front to back, she just couldn't "understand" the concept. So, I bought those wipes at Walmarts and always had her use those after she wiped to get rid of any feces she had dragged to the front from the back.

My attorney told me when I first got the DPOA, "Brenda, you are now your mom". You have total control of everything she does or does not do. She is not capable of making any decisions. YOU are HER now.

Once I did have to call the police BEFORE the DPOA was in effect. She was visiting me at my house after I had driven over to her city to pick her up to bring her to visit me. She became very hateful and began yelling and trying to hit me (as she did all through my childhood). That is domestic violence. I called the police. They came right out and helped me. I told them I wanted her out of my house. They were going to take her home until I told them she lived in Missouri and we were in Kansas at my house. They said they couldn't cross state lines. They stayed with me until I made arrangements with another person to take her back to Missouri. They physically held her..one on each arm while she continued yelling and trying to fight them. Her mind has never been "right". I'm amazed that my sister and I survived our childhood with her as mom. She was torturous to us but loved our brothers. ANYWAY, if someone is belligerent...that IS hostility and aggressiveness which IS domestic violence. The police should be called. They are there to help with such domestic matters. Here in KS, the law takes domestic violence VERY seriously.

Perhaps they can take your person to a behavioral center for evaluation. I had that done for mom before anything else once her doctor told me that she can no longer live alone. In fact, it was her doctor who recommended the place and made arrangements to get her there from the hospital where I had just taken her because she had "lost" it again. She was there for about a month and started on new meds, taken off of others, had psychiatric care...until she was "stable" enough for me to handle.I visited her three times per week to see how it was going and to "check" her behavior. I told them I wanted a copy of her records and since they already had a copy of my DPOA, no prob. I read that documentation from the behavioral center several times to try and understand what has been wrong with my mom all of her life. I learned FINALLY that she has Bipolar I, personality disorder, is schizophrenic, has dementia and early onset Alz. That was 7 years ago. But she had been like that since I can remember (2nd grade)..was just never diagnosed.

Her driving----She never understood the red, yellow green aspect of traffic lights. I don't know HOW she ever got a driver's license at age 35. After several wrecks which were all her fault, I went to the license bureau and told them that she should not be driving. I had my list of wrecks she had, one there in the city where she was living. I told them how she does not understand the traffic light system at all and had to "follow" me or by siblings to come and visit and she'd follow so close that I just knew she was going to RAM me any second. She paid litle attention to the road and always had her mirror on her...staring at her face in the mirror as if mesmerized. The license bureau relinquished her driving rights after investigating and sent her a letter stating so. She was mad, sure..but she never should have been given one in the first place.
Still to this day, she believes that there is nothing "wrong" with her and it is ME that has issues. When I am taking her someplace (siblings have nothing to do with her), yes..I must repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat all the way there and while we are wherever we're going and all the way back. That's just Alz., she can't remember what I just told her two seconds earlier OR that she asked about it 2 seconds earlier. It's a horrible disease. But, we have a lot of laughs too..I can make her laugh so hard that she cries. And, there are those precious "good" moments. Keep your chin up and good luck!!

Kabeeena, I'm all for creative story-telling for the sake of making life easier/safer/healthier for the loved one. You have to be very in tune with the person's mindset and impairments for this to be effective. There can be huge vairations from one stage of dementia to the next, or from one type to another, or just between individuals. The caregiver has to figure out what will work with the particular individual they are working with. My husband has Lewy Body Dementia, and one of its hallmarks is widely fluctuating cognition. Some days (hours) he can seem almost "fine" and other times he is clearly impaired. It is pretty challenging to come up with creative stories that will work through the fluctuations!

CarolButts- Your biggest challenge is physically getting him into the car and into the care setting, and then getting yourself back out with a minimum of distress to both of you. Don't tell him it's respite care. Think about his areas of interest and tell him it's something along the lines of his interests. Was he a workaholic? Tell him you found a temporary job for him but it's in another city so he'll have to stay in the employer's accommodations. Was he a golfer? Tell him it's a golf resort. Did he enjoy school? Tell him it's an exchange program. Was he into volunteering? Tell him this program needs his help. Did he like to travel? Tell him it's a luxury hotel in an exotic destination, with outstanding room service....He could even be on a cruise - the surroundings do not have to match the story, depending on how advanced his dementia is. Whatever you need to do to get him there without a fuss, for his emotional well-being and comfort in going there, so it at least starts with as little trauma as possible for him, and for you. You do need POA to have the authority to have him admitted somewhere without his awareness of its true nature, and for them to keep him there if he starts to want to leave. Tell the staff your "story", and suggest ways they can go along with it. (They do this sort of thing all the time. I talked with a woman once whose aunt was as happy as a clam in a nursing home because she believed it was a luxury hotel with great "room service", and the "maids" were so nice to her and waited on her hand and foot. Her mother, on the other hand, was told she was going to a nursing home, and she was so miserable, she had to take her back home.) Once he's there, he might not even remember your ruse. If he does, the staff will do their best to support your story and distract him and keep him occupied ("oh, the class/ work/ tournament/ tour... starts tomorrow, hey, look, your breakfast is ready.....").

I know it's lying, and it really felt terrible to me when I had to start doing this sort of thing with my mom, but she is not dealing with reality (or truth) anyway, and it just makes life easier for both of us. For example, she thinks her parents are still alive and daily wants to go home to them. I used to try to tell her the truth, and tell her how old they would be if they were still alive, etc..(they would be 130 and 140 years old), but that doesn't fase her, all logic and reasoning like an adult is gone. She would either get furious and tell me I was wrong, she just saw them yesterday, etc... or she would believe me and would be crushed with horrendous grief and cry gut-wrenching sobs as if they just died today. And It was agonizing for me, watching her grieve this way every day, it was really just so cruel. Her parents loved to travel, and often went down to Mexico on long driving trips, so I started telling her they were on a long trip to Mexico again. If she still wanted to go to their house, I told her they had everything turned off because they knew they would be gone a long time, so it would not be safe or pleasant to go there with no light, heat, water, phone, no food in the fridge, etc. This really worked. She was able to accept that story, and she would be disappointed, but she could be happy knowing they were having a good time. She would ask again a while later, and I would have to tell her the same story again many times, but at least there was not the stress and agony for both of us of trying to tell her the truth all over again. The only problem is, after months of this solution, my mom cleverly thought of a way around it: "I'm not talking about THOSE parents, I want to go see my OTHER parents!" She just invented a whole new set of parents! And, no amount of reasoning and logic convinces her that she can't possibly have two sets of parents. And she hated her in-laws, if that't who she's referring to, but, no, it's not her in-laws, its her "other parents"! So, we are back to, nothing will do but we have to get into the car and drive around looking for their house. After a few blocks she forgets what we are looking for, or can't give me any more directions, and SO we go shopping, or some place I want to go while we are at it, or we just go back home, but it satisfies her need to wander and her restlessness and anxiety for a while. =)

Your partner is probablu not too much in touch with reality, depending on how advanced his dementia is anyway, and this is kinder, it will give him a chance of at least not being traumatized by thinking he's been "put away" in a home, and at best, he might actually have a chance of enjoying it, like the lady who thought she was in a luxury hotel. If the whole ruse falls apart, at least you get to go where you need to go, and he is where he is safe while you are gone. If he confronts you about lying to him, which I doubt he will remember, you can plead innocence and say you thought for sure that it was a hotel, college, etc.... People do that sort of thing with young children all the time when they know the child won't understand or accept the actual situation. Your partner very likely is mentally at the same level of comprehension as a young child, and a little creative story-telling will make it easier on both of you. If you were in his shoes, which would you rather believe, that you were going to a nursing home (perhaps for good, maybe they're just telling you it's temporary), or to some place you might actually enjoy? Think of other situations where telling the truth would actually be cruel or cause terrible harm, like when people hid Jews in Nazi Germany and had to lie in order to protect them.

Anyway, I hope I haven't offended too many people, everyone has to do what seems best for them and for their loved ones. I hope this helps you.

Even if you have said documentation on your loved one, why would the police take that person to an appt. when all that person is going to do is fight the doc. Here in the part of Ca. I live in, if I called the police and they take my mother to the hospital, she then most likely be transferred to St. Joseph's Behavioral Center in Stockton where they would evaluate her, put her on meds and keep her there for a few weeks to make sure the meds are working then send her home as long as she has someone to care for her at home. I am dealing with a difficult parent and even if we get a conservatorship and my mother still refuses...then what. My thoughts are that it is time for them to be placed in a facility if medication does not help in getting them to cooperate regarding their best interest.

If you do get them there and they refuse to talk with the staff, they will not force it either because it violates the person's rights. This is why my mother's doc can only do so much and why my sis and I can only do so much. What I was told by a doc...if you call the police, they will come out and evaluate the situation and if they think the person is incompetent or a harm to themselves or others, they can take them to the hospital for further evaluation. They will not take a person to an appt.

sunflo2, you are so right that getting the loved one to visit the respite center ahead of time is a great idea. But how do you "insist" that they do that, if they are belligerent an refuse? How do you physically get them into the car? Or if you've gotten them into the car on some other pretext, how do you get them out of the car at the destination? I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just truly cannot picture how this is done. I've thankfully had very little experience so far with belligerence in my husband with dementia, but enough of a glimpse to see it as a huge problem.
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And thinking some more about calling the police ... that is kind of worresome, too. Does this mean that the child who has POA for me could make an appointment, say for acupuncture, and then if I refused to go, call the police to take me to the appointment? Huh? It must take more than having DPOA to call upon police for this. Would there have to be some document or proof that I was incompetent?

teachergear1, thanks for a direct solution to the stated problem. Have you ever had to do this? POA authorizes you to act on someone's behalf. It does not give you power over their person (a guardianship is needed for that, I think). It authorizes you to make dental appointments and to see the dental records and to ask questions of the dentist, but I don't think it gives you the power to control where a person goes. It isn't against the law to not keep a dental appointment, so I'm wondering on what authority the police would take someone to a dentist against their will. I've wondered about it but haven't tried it. If you did it, did you have to show the DPOA papers to the officer that responded? Many of my husband's appointments are not within the jurisdiction of our police department. Some of them are quite a distance away. Can the police pick someone up in one city and take them to another city? And did you ride along in the police car? How did you make the return trip? Are there any charges filed on this kind of police call? If you've had experience, please give us the details!

You are so right JeanneGibbs, my mother is all of 5'3" @ 130 lb. and I can't force her into a car or anywhere else for that matter. It's not about having the muscles to do either. This isn't about 5 year old child you pick up and carry screaming and kicking the whole way.

thanks teacher, waiting on open appointment for Nuerologist they say 8mons to get him appointment lol yes 8monts. I told his doctor no way in hell you have to wait that long. I called nursing homes 55 and up no can do, only thing i can do is Laguna and they accept his insurance. I am go to work nite time with no sleep and moody bosses getting to me i told them i am dealing with DEMENTIA. I told him when you go in to see the pharmacist ask for Valium you need to relax he sees a pharmacist once a month keep track on his meds and making sure he is taking them, watitng on SEQUERA to take affect its already 1week and no results that reduces the aggitation, irratablility and so on. Going nuts with him. He knows i am up to no good with him and so on....thanks for listening i am seeing a therapist once aweek not helping me out cause they don't live my life at all in what i am going through with him, its just for venting for me and does not help me out. Live it and you will know whats it like with all stress i am going through i tell them.

Time is of the essence....if his regular doc is on vacation..find another one...maybe the new one will be even better. I've done this before. When you at your wits end....there is no "waiting around for doc to come back from vacation". The new doc can have all of his records transferred. I've been there, done that and that is what I did. I took control even though mom didn't like it and argued about EVERY little thing. I too got NO SLEEP and I was the only 24/7 care person. Siblings have nothing to do with her. Also, tell the new doc that you need a med evaluation because his meds are NOT working. It will make a big difference once he gets on the right meds. Went through this with mom too. She was up all night turning burners on the stove on, getting knives out of drawers, trying to go outside in the middle of the night with SNOW on the ground...of course this went on all day AND all night. I finally put her into another nursing home. They have YOUNG patients in the nursing home with dementia too..it's not an age thing. Sounds like early onset Alz to me..Mom started with her dementia when she was in her forties too. I'm just praying that I don't get it...I'd rather shoot myself.

MissSassy - just saw your last post. Sounds like you are at your wits end -- and I'm worried for you. I think you need to call Alz Assc 24/7 line and talk with them about your situation. Also, see if there is a local support group for you and possibly you as a couple. If he's only 49 with all these issues you need to understand your choices and develop a long term plan. I'm sure Alz Assoc can give you great guidance and referrals. A local support group can give you the mental boost you'll need to follow through with any plans you develop.

My suggestion may or may not help. First, I would insist that he at least ride with you to visit the facility; just a ride, visit, lunch and then return home. This takes away the "unknown and fear factor" and can lower his anxiety about the place. He likely will insist he doens't like it. You'll have to be firm, (have a friend or trusted companion with you when you have the conversation) and tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to go to the respite care facility. Tell him, if he refuses then he will have to move out of your home and into permanent care facility. Tell him --those are his choices. Stop begging him or reasoning with him as he will not listen and you will just increase your own frustration and resentment. Same situ happened with my MIL with her husband. He refused to go -- although she caved and got him in home care a few days during her absence. He ended up telling careperson not to come on the last day (she successfully had been there for several days however without incident) and my MIL found it he had told her not to come. He now knows that next time he will go to a respite center because he didn't follow the rules for being allowed in home care.

Kimberly its not that easy he is not having heart attacks or any break downs for me to call police and take him into 51/50 i am waiting on that to happen, he playing it safe with me for now. Once he gets out of control and lost it that is when i will say take him in i don't want him anymore he is all yours and that won't happen he knows i will do that to him its just a matter of time. it took me 2 yrs for doctors to listen to me now i am getting somewhere with him with his doctor cause he has dementia and its not easy to deal with. SHe knows if he has outbreak i will go all the way with saying I don't want him but he is being smart in not letting it happen. My kids seen to much in what he is capable of and they don't like it one bit..

Another sleepless nite with him that dementia is killing me i can't take it no more, he is to much and i have kids. He is insane for a 49yr old man who has dementia and does not care about no one at all but keep his family awake all nite long. Re arranging living room throwing shoes away important paper work, everything has to be hidden under bed my important papers for respite care. Meds not working therapist no help and he calls himself a therapist, has to look for another one. kids stressed out my daughter unemployed me work nites money tight him shopping online and can't pay his bill, i am stressed out loosing sleep. My life living with someone who has dementia I PREFER CANCER for him over DEMENTIA at least he be in hospital and i would not be as stressed out. That is how I look at it. Dementia takes a toll on you and i hate it...Waiting on his doctor to return from vacation tell her fill out paper work and get him on the list for laguna honda hospital. I need peace in my life and not getting it at all with him around. Sorry for venting i just can't take it no more.

If you have DPOA...and he refuses to go to dentist, respite, wherever, tell him that you will call the police and they will physically put him into the car and take him if necessary. If he still argues, CALL the police and they WILL come and help you!That's how you get him to do what must be done.

I may have gotten a little confused? Carolbutts, is your partner agressive or is that Misssassy's husband? Either way, regarding Carol's question, I think Jeanne provided a good answer: call around to various resources for some pro input. Alz Assoc has 24/7 phone consultations with MA level clinicians. Obviously they'd appreciate you calling during the day for non-emergency issues. Do you have a POA already? If it is a health care POA, you can make the arrangements and deposit him, although, of course, who would want to do that? Is there someone he already knows and trusts that could stay with him, and add extra someone coming in too? Or could he travel with you possibly and have someone accompany you to help care for him? Just trying to generate some brainstorming/out of the box thinking. I am sorry you are facing this dilemma. Try to get something going so you aren't in the same difficult situation again in the future. I can sometimes get my mom to go along with things she's not too keen on, by asking her if she could do xyz to "help me/make things easier for me, even tho I know it wouldn't be her first choice" This helps with little things, not sure if it would result in agreement to respite placement though. Also, writing things down for my mom helps her, as she can refer back to them as a substitue for her memory that is not working. Keep it simple though. I am going for x days to see x, I need to know you will be ok so I can have a break, I have asked you to stay at xyz for x days. That will help me to not worry so much. They will fix your meals and make sure you stay safe. I will be back to get you on xx/xx/xx and we will both go home then. So and so will come visit you while I am away, so you won't get lonely." Of course don't say someone will visit if you can't actually work that out with certainty. I don't envy your situation, so sorry you are facing this. I have worried about this too. I have someone who comes in but she is only available certain days, I worry what would happen if something happens to me. I am trying to to work out a double back up plan myself. Let us know if you get any workable solutions or if you just need to vent. Hugs and prayers.

MissSassy, I hope you can work out a long term out of home placement for your husband, it sounds like that would be best for everybody involved. I'm sorry you are having so much to handle. It sounds overwhelming. You could also call your local area on aging office and alz assoc. for more resources. If he goes into the hospital for any reason, he could possibly be discharged into a placement directly from there. Good luck to you too. Make sure you stay safe.

that is the hard part doctor says he can't stay alone, and another thing the law says if that person is capable in making his own decision he can even when doctor says no. Its hard. the best thing you can do file CONSERVATORSHIP papers through courts and take charge on that some times that will work for you but not always. Its hard.

Carol, I'm still thinking about your question, and my heart really goes out to you!

In addition to the need for respite care, I'm wondering if you are safe keeping your partner at home. Belligerence and dementia is a dangerous combination. Often such a person does not recognize his own strength and cannot grasp consequences from behavior. The risk of them doing something in the moment that they will regret in the next moment is high.

Have the doctors tried to address the belligerence?

But, back to the respite issue. Try calling your local Alzheimer's Association, even if he has a different form of dementia. If anybody has heard it all, it must be them! Descrbe the issue and see if they have suggestions. Resistance to going to respite center must be common. Does the staff there have any suggestions?

As others have suggested, IF you could find some in-home care for those 10 days that MIGHT be less stressful, but I'd be pretty concerned about that, too. What happens on day 2 when he is alone with some caregiver and he gets angry because of being "abandoned" and gets belligerent?

You did a smart thing by posting here, but so far no one with experience in this has happened along. Maybe someone still will, but I suggest you also contact the ALZ association, his doctor, the respite care center, your local Agency on Aging, and any other resource you can think of.

You should not be a prisoner in your own home, no matter how much you love your partner. I sincerely hope you find a way to be with your grandson. Please share your efforts. We learn from each other.

Okay, has he ALWAYS been belligerent? Because my husband turned that way when they put him on a Parkinson's med. -it was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! When I took him off, it made a world of difference. If he's always been this way, I'm sorry and hope you can get in-home care. I got a couple days at the beach that way and it made a world of difference to me.

I went got the paper work for RESPITE care i find out its only for 1 week. This afternoon i come home and he starts in with me and i asked him what did i say he don't recall, good memory from the past but present none. this sucks. Argue with me for no reason....

My daughter does IN Home Support Service and not enough hours in taking care of them not worth it. Nursing Home I can't do that he is not 55 yrs of age he is only 49 and had multi stroke and 2 massive and has brain damage, diagnossis DEMENTIA been dealing with this 2 yrs i cannot go on like this my family comes firts, he has no one left his parents are dead and his sister is no help at all she don't care all he has is me and my kids. And he has to be put away, i work and cannot live this way. When not home he is cooking forgets to turn stove off lucky me and my daughter is home, he stubborn, he demands we are always wrong all the time, and he is right all the time which he is not right all the time, yells all day long no go my kids stressed out..

You people are going through same thing i am going through and nothing is getting done. Do what is best for you and if you keep going like this you will have to suffer until there passing, I am not holding back going forward, i am stressed out and i have 2 young kids and there safety comes first over that person. I am getting the help i needed has doctors therapist and social workers and so on. No turning back even when he is medicated and he is very sick person. No one should have to deal with dementia that is the worse thing to have and its very stressful. I will keep you upto date on how things are going with me and what is happening. If i find this website again in updating my information...

My mom has dementia she to is very stubborn we are going to try adult day care first it would be good for her and great for us to have time to ourselfs she too will be mad but its that or back to the nh I think between us and the social worker she will go and can still live at home good luck with your partner look into someone coming over to the house its expensive but he will have someone their and will be much more willing to do that

Oh boy, am I with you on this. I don't need respite care, per se (although I DO need a break), but my mom gets belligerent about people coming into the house, the concept of leaving her house and all of that. And I have no answers for you.

I do absolutely agree with getting a durable power of attorney.

Wish I could help you more. Good luck.

Establishing POA is all well and good, but it doesn't answer the fundamental question of how to do make a belligerent adult do something he doesn't want to do? Having DPOA may give you the authority to make a doctor's appointment, or a dental appointment, or arrange for a respite stay. But if a 160-pound man says "I'm not going to the #$#!@ dentist and you can't make me!" how do you get him into the car and then into the dentist's office? (Or the day program or the doctor's office, or the respite place?)

carolbutts, I don't have an answer, but I send a hug, and a hope that someone else will have a practical answer for us.

I agree with teachergear1 on the matter of obtaining POA. If he has a diagnosis of dementia, the doctor should be willing to work with you. Additionally, if your long-term plan is to keep him at home with you, then chritz's suggestion of having someone come into the home may work best. But I think first you should establish POA.