Hello! My elderly father is staying with me for awhile, I'm single-divorced, no kids. His wife passed away in March 2013. He's been with me for two months. He's got memory loss, and is willing to go to a doctor to see about it. He asks for help for many things, to the point that I'm struggling to help him. He doesn't have a good sense of his finances. His past two major purchases, I had to front the money. He told me recently that I "was in his business too much". This kind of prompts me to back -up from helping him, as he seems to be on the proud side. Also, he seems content with staying at my place. I don't think that would work well long-term, as I think it's be too much on me. Would I be okay in giving him a time-frame to 1) go back to a place he owns 2) go to assisted living?
Thanks!
The truth is there are people who believe that no one should ever use a facility instead of caring at home for a parent. It is a value judgement they make, and are to some degree justifiably proud of. They can say to us and to themselves that however badly things are or were going, at least they never put Mom or Dad "in a home." I say "they" because I used facility care for my mom and she did that for my dad and great-grandmother, though my grandmother got home care in her own home. That said, I had bought a house based on accessibility, thinking maybe they would move in with us, and would have liked at least the idea of that, if not all of the realities...and that is what some people find, that the reality is not only not idyllic, but unbearable or untenable for any number of reasons.
After all I have read and listened and commented to on here, I can only conclude there is no one size fits all. I have read tales of valor and compassion, and tales of selfishness and intolerance. I also conclude there are very few people - a few, but very few - who post on here without their prime motive being to get help, to get new ideas or information, to find out if what they have chosen is condemnable versus laudable, because they care very very much for their loved one who needs care and it matters very very much that they do the right thing. The fact that there may not be any one right thing does not change that.
Yes, we should be kind, and realistic, and encouraging, and gentle when we perceive a need to correct something. And we should become more aware of the points of view out there that differ from our own, and be as tolerant of them as seems reasonable.
So yeah. Be nice, lots of us are in the battle of our lives and feeling fragile, and may even be fragile. But also be a little thick-skinned in case others who are in the battle of their lives slip a little and arent as nice as would be ideal. I'll keep doing my best and noticing that darn near everybody here is doing their best too.
They ARE entitled to it!
It's a long story, but in short, my step dad took his life last year and then it became obvious that my mom needed lots of help. I had been checking her mail and some help, and trying to get them to move near me, they were an hour away, plus helping with dealing with finances. When your parent has a breakdown, which wasn't surprising in this case, you do what needs to be done. I had a place in mind and got her in assisted living, within 6 weeks but she can't afford it. It was the best I could find, so we pay the balance. Also bought her car and put the money in savings to help her. (out of my retirement savings) She has accused me of stealing it and now wants to see the bank statement where I deposited it. Thanks, in part to this sight, I have kept everything and can show her. Mags, I agree with comments saying "get legal paperwork done, diagnosis if he has dementia and as soon as possible get him in assisted living . dealing with selling his home and all the unforeseen things is extra hard when you are also trying to get them to adjust to
Assisted Living at the same time! God bless, and I hope you are getting started and don't have the "roadblocks" I had to face". I really hope you have siblings to help, but I believe mine would interfere more than help since he has little or no idea what is going on with her. Know that this journey is painful, hard and sometimes you want someone else to take over, but no one does.
also, disclaimer, I am not an expert at any of this.
Also, check and see what can be done about his home. This might take an elder care CPA. Check with the state and see if they will take his home to compensate for Medicaid paid in his care.
If he lives near you, see about in home care. If you live in an apartment see if he could move to an open one near you. That way you can "visit" him and have in home care which his MD might be able to order so it could be covered by insurance. Check his insurance, see what it covers. Long term care insurance can cover more assistance than regular insurance.
I took my parent's into my home, thinking it would be a short term thing. My mother died a year ago, and my father continues to live with me, now for two years. I would not have thought I could do this, but with respite for me, it is working out. My dad is less dependent if there is a predictable schedule. He continues to decline, even forgot he ate dinner last night and was scrounging for food an hour later.
Some people have semi separate "apartments" in their homes for parents, (or adult children), and that gives privacy while maintaining safety.
My brother handles the financial end of stuff, has Power of Financial Attorney. Both parents had Advance Directives which was massively helpful. If you do this with your Dad, also check and see what his burial wishes are. We had to come up with documents while grieving mom. Once you know what he wants, you have less stress at a time when you don't really need more.
Good luck with your decision. I hope you have someone you can talk to about your feelings in this. Also, if you have siblings, delegate and use e-mail to keep each other up to date and on the same page.
Then have the talk and let him know you love him but long term, he will need to find permanent living arrangements that can meet his needs. Admit you don't want to "be in his business".
Agree with others, my mom accuses me of being in her business and is increasingly suspicious and distrustful of my interference or concern over her. This is part of the disease (dementia and ALZ) and only gets worse.
You deserve a life too and aren't obligated to care for Dad. Its okay, many of us here aren't full time caregivers for our parents because circumstances don't allow us (working full time, families, or just by choice -- know it will not work for us).
Encourage your proud dad that he deserves to have his independence and can do so and have a fuller life with a little assistance. Take him to visit some housing alternatives, and then tell him that you will be there for him and help with the move and that he needs to find new place within 90 days. If he wants to return to his home -- then that is an option and he can agree to outside help (housekeeping, meals on wheels, part time care-giver or companion to help him with meals, errands, shopping, etc. a couple days a week or a few hours a week).
He 'apparently' isn't paying you to live in your house, is he contributing money at all? He wouldn't put up with that for you, if the situation were reversed.
He's not being up front about his financial situation, yet realizes he's got memory loss and is willing to pursue a diagnosis? Then, you should get him to buy long term care health insurance BEFORE He gets a dementia diagnosis from a doctor. Otherwise, Medicaid will have to kick in and anything he owns will become attached as an asset to help defray his cost of care. Then it won't matter what his finances are, they'll all go to the government to pay for AL and the NH.
Your father is not a helpless baby. He is a grown man. And no one should make you feel guilty about your decision. Good luck to you.
And, by the way, I will be a senior citizen soon. I would never force my girls to take me in and ruin their lives. Not as long as I can move a muscle and complete a normal thought. :)
Last year when my mother in law had a stroke I thought we would have to have her here for her recovery and then she could go back to live in her home. But that wasn't the case one of the things we did in the after care was have a psychiatric evaluation done and she was found to have several issues with mental illness that contributed to the way she functioned and interacted with us. Because of the mental illness she was deemed incompetent (not the goal at the time) to make decisions on any aspect of her care or finances. Now she gets meds and counseling which has helped tremendously!! She needs someone in our house 24/7. We had to make a choice to keep her with us or put her in a care facility. We renovated the basement (which actually in the back is at ground level) to be her apartment. I can hear her and check on her with out her being in my business or making her feel like we are in hers. So far its working out. She isn't always happy with me either but usually the one doing the caring is the one they will be hardest on because they know you will be there. Unfortunately for their own good someone has to be the "bad guy" and make sure they have the care they now need.
If you really don't feel like you can do this then talk to the doctor to see if he even should be on his own first then go from there. Try to get in touch with some of the senior services out there every town has access to something. Your Doctors office may be able to direct you to some.