Newcomer to this group! Looking for a place for support from others like me. I'm caring for my 85 year old mother who just moved in with us 1 month. It’s so tough and challenging! I still work remote 2 days a week, so I can get her to labs and chemo, she has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, doing well with the chemotherapy treatments but the attitude is not good! Overall very bitter and negative most days.
Mom is getting used to the idea of end of life coming. Allow her to feel her emotions , grieve her losses and process this . Let her be bitter and negative.
Is she wanting to continue chemo , or not ?
You can offer if she wants to talk to a counselor or clergy. You may want to on your own as support as well .
My dad gave it his best shot, but chemo made him so sick and depressed that he eventually decided not to continue. He was 92 and had lived a good life before he and his doctor decided on hospice care.
If you haven't discussed mom's attitude with her oncologist, maybe you should.
I think that you likely knew your mom well before deciding to take her into your home for care.
I am truly sorry it isn't going well, but with my own limitations it isn't something that I personally would have chosen to do.
Basically with stage IV cancer you know that there is no hope of cure. I am hoping that your mom, at her age, has chosen treatment because she truly wants to try it. At 81 I have also my second breast cancer. I have already discussed with family and medical team that while I will accept surgery, I will not be taking nodes, will not accept any chemo and will not do radiation. I will rather go on with good quality of life while I can, and will then move to palliative care and hospice. I am fine with dying, but having already 35 years ago done the chemo trip, I won't be doing that again. I hope your mom is aware of all her options and doing what is "right for her".
I cannot know if overall your mother has always tended to negativity? If so, then she isn't changed, nor is she likely to change.
You've chosen a tough job. I hope you have been to an attorney for shared living costs contract and to discuss how you will approach living together, how you will reassess if it works for EVERYONE, because at the point it doesn't work for one person, then it isn't working.
You are right now in an adjustment phase. I would speak honestly with her about your feelings, allow her to express hers, and decide together if you wish to face down this last part of her life living together, or if it would be better that you stay a daughter rather than becoming a caregiver. The two "job descriptions" are very difficult to meld.
Wishing you the very best. BOTH of you. Be certain your mom's paperwork, any will, POA, and advance directive is done.
There was a new post today by someone whose Mom is 85 with stage 4 lung cancer and undergoing chemo treatment...
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/im-dealing-with-a-new-issue-with-my-mom-she-has-stage-four-lung-cancer-486545.htm?orderby=recent
Does your Mom WANT to go through these treatments?
How does she express her wants regarding end of life care?
I'm sorry this is happening. It's so very hard.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Many others in this group understand what you're going through and can offer valuable support, advice, and empathy. Sometimes just having a space to vent and share your feelings can make a world of difference.
Additionally, seeking professional support services and resources might also be beneficial for both you and your mother. Organizations like Caring Pulse (www.caringpulse.co.uk) offer a wealth of information, guidance, and support for caregivers like yourself. They can provide practical tips for managing caregiving responsibilities, coping with stress, and maintaining your own well-being.