Well, it happened, sil and I bickered, and if was in front of my fil at the hospital, I really regret it too. We had gone to visit the rehab options. I like A and B was the one all the nurses were advising (found out the hospital just began a contract with them) A and B both came and talked to him and us. But, B came back 3 more times just to "check" on him. To me it felt pushy, like a salesmen. The director of it even called to "update" me on his health since I wasn't there.
B notified us that discharge nurse said fil had picked them. None of us knew about that! Next day I went to visit and of course sil is there too. (several doctors and nurses thought she was his wife, since she is there 25/7) My husband and I wanted to know why he picked B. He said because he talked them and liked them. SIL said "I didn't see any difference in them." I replied "Really? I did." she said "Really, you did, like what?". So, I started pointing out the differences. Bigger rooms, separate dining hall, menu a la carte, more visiting rooms, homier decor etc.. She rolled her eyes and said I thought they were the same. I said I didn't think so. She said "Well, we know you are pushing A." I said "You asked me what the differences were so I was telling you." she said Tell him, I was getting huffy, it didn't matter to her where he went etc.. I just replied "You asked me what I saw was different." My fil said "Hey, stop this, it's about me" and was starting at me, so I got up and left.
My husband talked to him! I couldn't believe it. Told him he should have heard both options, otherwise, why did we tour them. Fil said I was trying to push A, hubby said no, she wanted to make sure you knew there was options. Said he thought sil was hovering to much and for 3 years we did fine taking care of them and now sil is acting like she is the only one that can. Fil said yes, but your wife doesn't get up until 9 or 10:00. Hubby said no she gets up at 5:30 with me. Hubby that just shows, he want and is loving the company of sil being there all the time. But, he asked him what are you going to do when she goes home dad? When your in rehab and she isn't there all the time? Sil has manipulated him into believing only she can take care of him, denies that she cared if the doctor called her or not, when that was upsetting her so much, when they called me. I want to see fil, but not sure if I'm even wanted around, seeing how they fil and sil believe I am being pushy. If anything, I've been walking on eggshells. Like my husband says, once she leaves, we are still here. I don't want to go visit and check on him, but I do. By the way she lives another state has husband, daughters and grandchildren and has been up here for 4 weeks straight. Never once going home. Is that not smothering? It's not like he is terminal. They are trying to get INR straightened out before the transfer him. I feel like cutting everyone off and stopping my stress before I go crazy. If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her.
But then again, you said it yourself: she wants to take care of him? Fine, let her. Look: for one thing, she is his actual daughter; and however great you've been, and however lackadaisical she has been, actual blood relative comes first in love. So how about you give yourself huge credit for everything you've already done, and now take a break from the stress and responsibility? Her turn.
And don't worry about the bickering in public. Everybody does it under stress. Least said, soonest mended. Let your FIL settle into his choice of rehab (no pressure there then, eh?!), visit him as much as you might have done anyway, and enjoy your new found freedom. Best of luck x
Not questioning as much as liking to clear a few things up for this post so you get good advice and caring. This site is great and folks here are helpful.
So, keep your spirits up. I bet they are learning from you, slowly, even though it may not show yet.
Say your intentions are coming from a place of "kindness" and that if for some reason what you said didn't come across that way you apologize.
Let your SIL know that it is your hope that at the end of all of this, you two will be closer than ever, rather than farther apart.
Be quiet and let her say her piece. Listen to her. Let her speak.
Try to find common ground, but keep going back to the two principles.
1. You are trying to be kind and
2. you hope you two will come out of this closer than before.
Logical her being 2 hours away, and we being 10 mins away, we should be ER contact. But, I have dropped it. When she told us what she did, neither of us said anything. Neither one of them will get POA, because they see their father as larger then life, and can't except reality. But, again, I'm staying out of it. I will go visit him, I have already apologized to her, well got her voice mail, but I will reiterate when I see her. And, I will to him too. I am sorry for upsetting them. But, that's it, I'm tired of it all. I will visit, if he needs something and she isn't there I will do my best to provide, but from now on, I am not putting myself into a position where I can be told I am being pushy, overstepping boundaries etc... as it was said, if she wants to be primary caregiver, she can, I don't mind. I was thinking of him, and how he will be once she goes back home. But, she and my husband has to deal with that, not me.
Also it is a bad mistake for neither sibling to have POA, but you shouldn't get involved in that other than to tell your husband it is advisable for him or his sister to have POA because your involvement, not being a blood relative, could cause a huge family rift. I'm not sure why your husband doesn't know how to take action or why your SIL doesn't ask the right questions. Maybe you could help both of them without a confrontation by giving them a book such as "How to Care for Aging Parents" or "Eldercare for Dummies."
You see FIL as your last parent and seem close to him. You and husband have been caring for him. Quite possibly, SIL is a little jealous. She is thinking that "he's MY father, not hers (meaning you)!" and feeling a little pushed aside.
It's just one more kind of sibling jealously. Maybe she feels you're getting some of her love from him. It sounds stupid, I know, but this is just the human condition that people look at things, that way.
But, past that, it sounds like ordinary family bickering. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm not you, but what I would do is just kind of let it go. It wasn't even that big a tiff.
And, a little check to you though, but your review of your SIL smothering him because she's given up 4 weeks of time with the rest of your family for him is about as unfair as her eye-rolling and actions. It sounds like both of you are at least trying, and that's more than most people do for their parents.
And your SIL thinks she's the best candidate to take care of dad and wants to do the job? Yeah baby!
"If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her."
Yes. This is one of those types of situations that should be handled by blood relatives, imo. I can't even imagine putting my two cents into something my ex husband and his brothers wanted to do with the in laws...far as I'm concerned, it's just none of my business..
The only time I'd ever open my mouth in this kind of situation where an elderly person is involved is if I saw some serious wrong doing going on or if I was asked an opinion. Everything else pertaining to the in laws, I'd stay out of it.
And what Moxie said, too.