My grandma is 92 years old and lives at home with my mother. My husband and I also help out when caregivers cancel or am not available. We have a 12 year old son and 2 year old daughter we have to bring with us sometimes when we are watching her. I may be working, my husband may have school etc. There has been a cognitive decline lately where anytime she sees my son, it sets her off. No matter what he does it upsets her. He is always kind and respectful despite what she says or does. It is nearly impossible to distract or redirect her. She hones in on him and won't stop with the verbal abuse or accusations until he is out of sight. For example, he was helping pressure wash the side of her house and she said " thats my god damn water bill and my house isn't that dirty." Or, he was quietly putting a puzzle together with her and my mom. She got very upset he was putting pieces on the bottom. Yesterday, my son had spent the night with my mom and was out on the porch away from her watching tv. It was in the early afternoon, my mom was outside working in the yard. Grandma caught sight of him. She then came out to the porch, saw him and started screaming and cussing at him. He did not engage with her but went outside to tell my mom what happened. I am at a loss. This is the first time this has happened but I don't want every interaction to be negative or traumatic. He understands she does not know what she's saying, her brain is sick etc and he's not doing anything wrong. However, I feel lost how to navigate any future interactions if she seems to hate him no matter what he does. Should he not be around her at all? Thank you.
A child is not capable of telling you what he is able to tolerate in terms of abusive behavior from a grandparent with dementia. Why should he be put into a position to do so in the first place? Because society tells us we must endure abuse from a demented elder because they're "sick" and "can't help it", regardless that their abuse will cause damage to the child??? The child is way better off having no contact at all with the demented elder than to wind up suffering a lifetime of repercussions bc he was "supposed to" have compassion for her and was exposed unnecessarily! I don't think a child would be taken to a psychiatric hospital to visit a patient.....yet we think it's ok they visit an elder suffering from brain damage where they're likely to say and do unhinged things! 😑
I suggest you hire a babysitter for your son when you have no other choice but to care for your mother. Regardless of whether he feels badly about not seeing her or not. At 12 years old, he doesn't get to say what's best for him.....you do. And what you don't want to see happen is him wind up blaming YOU for his childhood angst or bad feelings grandma instilled in him. That can negatively affect your relationship forevermore, as it affected mine with my mother. I felt like she did not protect me from the toxic environment I was subjected to as a kid. She perpetuated it, in fact, and I lost respect for her as a result.
Keep your kids away from the firing line and avoid all that buckshot in the first place, that's the best advice.
From someone who gets it. Leave your kids out of the melee. It's hard enough for us adults to process the heartbreak and chaos of dealing w parents suffering from dementia, never mind expecting young children to!
Let them have some fond memory left of a grandma who isn't cussing them out or ranting about some nonsensical matter by filling out some loving greeting cards from "her" to them. Leave them with THAT memory instead of the dreadful truth of what dementia has done.
Question for others here who have a lot of experience with this issue -
What happens when the object of vitriol is permanently removed from the abuser? Does the person with dementia fixate on a new target?
The answer to your question as it pertains to someone like her is yes, she fixates on a new target, always someone close to her, when I went no contact with her she chose the kind, gentle man she was living with, she annihilated him.
He finally was making arrangements to move out but he died before he could.
Then she was onto my step-sister, she went no contact, now it is my brother. No one else in the family speaks to her and I mean no one except my brother.
She has burned all her bridges.
She probably needs to be in a facility at this point.
If you want to try again now, I’d suggest that you get good ear plugs for your son. Then there is no need for him to hear her.
Son does not visit gma.
You stay with son, you don't visit either.
You do not exclude your son.
Credit for being smart enough to ask this question, and share your concerns.
Keep your son away. Choose to be with your son.
The accusations, screaming, and cussing can escalate in Gma's broken brain.
The person picks someone, (who is innocent, and that they love), until finally, there may be way out of line accusations like stealing, even rape.
Don't forget, these are delusions or hallucinations, and must really upset the patient as well, as evidenced by the behaviors you mentioned.
And you. It will be upsetting to you too. Your Gma has become too difficult to care for by you and your immediate family. Unless she can be evaluated and medicated, she needs more professional help than you can provide.
Now, you must choose your son over Gma, and visit less. It makes a big difference to not exclude your son from family interactions by leaving him out.
Sorry, it is this way under family loyalty. Be loyal to your son at his vulnerable age. I cannot understand this continuing as is and he feels okay about himself, having his Ggma hate him.
Another relative who seemed pretty much "with it" and whose dementia showed up in flashes here and there, was laser focused on her son-in-law.
We all were treated to daily stories of how much of a monster he was. Meanwhile he was taking care of her finances and insurance, doing maintenance on her house and EVERYTHING. Saved her a ton of money.
She would also say "I don't know what I would do without him. He's so good to me!"
And, your 2 yr old cannot understand this and should not be exposed to seeing her brother hollered at. Its also not good for GMa. Your son is triggering something and that is causing her anxiety.
May be time to tell Mom you can no longer help. That may be time for grandma to be placed.
I would discuss with him. I would say exactly what you have said here, that occ. you have to watch over grandma because there is no one else to do it. That this is difficult for everyone as her mind is injured and she cannot think rationally or clearly anymore. And that she seems to have zeroed in on him, but she is not capable anymore of controls (you can do some teaching about dementia and disinhibition here; give him some big words to toss around.) Tell him that this is stuff she made up in her own head, perhaps out of very old memories, even from some old TV show, but whatever it is it has nothing to do with him, and it can't be helped.
Then tell him you hate how grandma acts, but you need his help solving what he would like as he is your FIRST priority and concern.
Ask him if he would like for you to discuss with one of his friend's Mom's if anyone can have him over in these times, or if he would like a sitter around allowing him his own time at home with someone available to him, or if he would ask you not to watch grandma at all if it involves his having to be there.
And then I would follow his decision. You might end having to tell family you are sorry, you cannot be involved because you cannot subject your son to abuse. OR your son may be mature enough to say "I got this, Mom. It's fine. I know granny can't understand what she's doing".
Thanks for having your priorities straight. You seem to have a fine son there.
A 12 yo is not capable of processing this abuse. I am a poster child for being abused and I would hide my true feelings, pretend that I could handle the abuse and let it roll off my back.
Not so, I like all children carried my childhood into adulthood.
The parent, whose brain is fully developed must make the right decision for the child.
There is no reason to expose a child to this toxic behavior, regardless of what the child says they can or cannot handle.
Please do not expose him or any of your children to this toxic behavior. They will carry the scars with them for the rest of their life. I know, I was one of those verbally and at times physically abused children. I acted like it didn't matter, that it was my fault, but it did matter and I was doing nothing wrong.
Have you intervened when it starts and tell her unless she behaves you are leaving? This is not acceptable. He is a child at an awkward age. Do you take up for your son? Save your money for his therapy then? I would never put my child in that situation.
When my mom started her verbal abuse there were many times I immediately left.
When my daughter was in the second grade she would come home from school with stomach aches because of a miserable teacher who was terribly burned out.
It was hard to tell my child that she was going to be stuck an entire year with this horrible woman and that even though she didn’t like her she would still be able to learn her lessons from her.
I also told her that I had a similar experience in the sixth grade.
My neighbor had a boy and a girl. Her son was super sensitive. I knew that he would suffer even more than my daughter from being in this woman’s class.
Sure enough he was assigned to her class. My neighbor was able to switch him to another classroom before starting the school year and thanked me for giving her a heads up.
My neighbor’s daughter was a spunky little girl who had mean teachers before and she was the kind of kid that was able to let things roll off her back without any major problems. Some children are more sensitive than others.
Look for signs in how he is processing this situation. Even if he is handling it well though, if I wouldn’t absolutely have to bring him with you I wouldn’t do it. How often do you fill in for the caregivers when they can’t make it? I hope it isn’t very often.
Until your grandma passes through this stage it's best to protect him from that. I'm sure you know the drill if it doesn't seem like a progression of her disease-- have her checked to rule out a UTI, or discuss med adjustment with her physician to help her cope with the agitation she feels.