Grandma's grumpiness and whimpering worry me. Should it?

Grandma and Grandpa were living in their own place until he got sick. So they had no choice but to go into assisted living. They lived there for six months then Grandpa died. Grandma continued to live there for about six months until she came to live with me. She's been with me about two years. I think from the time she moved in with me she's been pretending to be helpless because she wants to be catered to. I make her do as much as she can. But it was probably within the first 1-4 weeks of living with me that I first heard the whimpering/tearless crying. I don't know if the new doctor had already taken her off Warfarin (after reviewing her medical records). He didn't want her on it if there was no reason to be, and according to her records, there wasn't a reason to be on it long term.

I would say that six months after this, Grandma's feet, ankles, and calves started swelling. The doctor couldn't find a cause and Grandma denied having pain. There was one night she acted bizarre (hyper and crazy - mumbling to herself) but I attributed it to her sneaking and eating too much candy. I later wondered if she had a mini stroke.

Through 2017, the whimpering/tearless crying worsened, but no one knew why. In early 2018, I heard her say her legs hurt and I kept asking her about it. After she said it was her calves, I made and appt. and the clots were found via an ultrasound. She did not have any chest x-rays or ultrasounds. She's been on Xarelto since then.

By the time the clots were found, Grandma had become incapable of getting her pants on by herself. So the doctor said physical therapy would be a good idea. However, a few days after starting Xarelto, the swelling went down and Grandma could put her pants on by herself.

The physical therapist was surprised at how much Grandma is capable of (as was I). She's actually in pretty good shape for her age. The thing that really holds her back is the fear of falling. I suspect Grandpa yelled at her everytime she fell because he couldn't pick her up and had to call an ambulance. So that probably did some damage to her confidence. She always thinks she can't do anything. Although, with Xarelto, falling would be bad if she started bleeding or hit her head. I'm not sure she's aware of that though.

She actually doesn't need help with anything at home like getting her feet in bed. She's very capable of that, especially since starting physical therapy. What she needs though is some leg and arm strengthening (for getting up) and some exercises to help with balance since that's where a lot of the fear is. Her physical therapist surprised me again by saying that she thinks Grandma should continue with therapy. Although, maybe just going once a week instead of twice.

Today, Grandma was giving me lots of attitude and whimpering. She made a huge fuss everytime I told her to go to the bathroom (the urologist has her going every two hours or so). She also said she didn't have to pee. To make a long story short, I am now concerned there is a bladder/kidney problem going on. If not that, then she made be dehydrated. Either way, she's got a doctor appt. Monday morning and I am keeping a close eye on the situation. I've had many pets with kidney issues so I'm well educated on it.

Bottom line is that now she doesn't want to leave her recliner. Everytime I make her get up, she starts whining, whimpering and tearless crying with the whole quivering bottom lip thing. The only affect that has on me is instaneous anger. I'm tempted to tell her that if she has enough energy to whimper and carry on like that when she says nothing is wrong, then we'll have to increase her physical therapy to three times a week and find chores for her to do around the house. Maybe that will shut her up.

Elderly people often show their best face to doctors, therapists, and other people in general. It's the caregivers who get the "real" person.

Have you asked her why she does so well in physical therapy but has such difficulty at home? (Don't accuse her of anything, just point it out as if you're genuinely wondering).

If your grandmother has blood clots they can be very painful.

A few more details would help us give more specific replies.

After she came to live with you, how soon before the helplessness started? What was the reason she came to live with you? How does assisted living fit into the timeline?

Why is she having therapy at this time?

How are her blood clots being treated?

I wonder if she could have a session or two of occupational therapy? The therapist could come to the home and instruct her on how to get her feet into bed, for example. They could help with whatever activities Gram is having trouble with at home. This may give Gram some confidence to do these things on her own. Maybe. An occupational therapist could also suggest household changes to aid Gram. Maybe a narrow bed railing would help her into and out of bed. Or perhaps a little bench could be placed where she might want to rest. Etc.

I doubt very much that anything that is going on is your fault. Gram is 92 years old. She has had a number of medical problems. She is worn out. Some days she wonders why she is still around; she feels ready to leave this life. I think some moaning and groaning is to be expected.

What do you and your grandmother do for fun?

Is it possible to get inpatient physical therapy? When my mom had a knee replacement they said we could bring her home and have outpatient therapy. We looked at each other and said "no way, we want inpatient therapy!" We both knew that mom would not try if it was outpatient. She would just depend on us to do everything.