Grief over daddy and now mom. How do I get passed anger for the woman at grief support?

You must develop and have faith in what your beliefs are regarding living, gas and the afterlife. You must have an inner knowing that you are correct (and its not only okay but also preferable to amend your beliefs from time to time based on new knowledge you come across or feelings you have) and stick with it no matter what someone else tells you. Don't reach out to strangers for guidance in the face department because there are as many different beliefs as there are people and you are bound to get answers with which you don't agree. Seems like what's happenin these two cases you describe - 1 person has given you hey very matter of fact, secular answer, and the other person you may have expected a God based answer from and yet that was not forthcoming. Why be angry at anyone? Just take the perspective that each person is trying to help in their own way; if their answer wasn't for you, thank them and move on. Don't try to make friends with someone you don't jibe with. Some folks say don't talk sex, religion or politics because it'll get you in trouble every time. I say its okay to discuss those subjects with somebody you know a little bit better and either have an affinity with or no they are open minded enough to speak philosophically and not take offense at dogma.

corrections...

living, gas, and the afterlife (NOT "gas")

for guidance in the FAITH department (NOT "face")

seems like what's HAPPENED IN these two cases

1 person has given you A very matter of fact (NOT "hey")

have an affinity with or KNOW they are open minded (NOT "no")

Begin by forgiving this woman for making a comment from HER perspective that you don't agree with. Her parents - or one of them - may have already died - and now she's experiencing the loss of her own child. But maybe she has not had the death of a parent yet. You don't know. But this woman still has her view and being angry towards another for her perspective is only damaging you. Bitterness does this.

Bless you. The loss of our parent(s) is really painful.. we become orphans.

Well, I can't forgive her since she wasn't sympathetic to why I was thre. I left out the fact that I walked out during the break & never returned. I spoke w/the facilitator of that group but she wasn't much help. She got me so upset - I understand I don't "know" what she's been through, but that does NOT give her the right to tell me I have no business grieving for my Dad.

Yes, forgiveness is possible without your offender's admittance of hurting you.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, He demonstrated the upmost forgiveness of our sins by dying on the cross for me... and by believing in Him - that he died on the cross for my sins, and was resurrected from the dead three days later, I have that same ability to forgive through the Holy Spirit. I've been victimized and hurt deeply, but I have forgiven my offenders. That does not mean I trust them. Don't confuse the two.

Your anger will turn to resentment and bitterness - and such will paralyze you and negatively effect you.. Bitterness is never healthy.

This is going to be a suggestion that you may not agree with or be willing to do....but if it were me, I would go up to this lady and hug her, and say' I am so sorry for your loss." and walk away..... the thing here is, she is hurting too, and possibly has no one in her life to lean on... I am not saying it's ok what she said, what I am saying is, we are all at a time in our lives where it is about helping each other, the best we can....

I suggest that you go back to this group and see the pain and emptiness that others are feeling... there will be others that you will connect with... it's a simple act of empathy to let the other lady know you 'heard' her.... you don't have to like her, you don't even have to forgive her, but that just adds to your own pain.... I pray that you find a solution that works for you....people say hurtful things when they are hurting... it's just life...what we do with that speaks about us, not them.... sending you lots of hugs...

I think of myself in that situation and I would have said something right then to the affect of I am sorry about your loss but please don't minimize my grief of my parent. Unless of course this is a selective grief group. Maybe its wrong but my filter is gone at times and I'm not afraid to respectfully disagree. Don't be angry, speak your mind. Being angry harms you.

Sylvial, usually I can deal w/most issues about people - most people are rude & I accept that - it's life. But this REALLY caught me off guard - next time I willl remember what you suggested & say that - it's not a "selective" grief group - it's general bereavement. I know being angry harms me, but I was literally caught off guard & left because AGAIN I felt I had no business grieving since Daddy was 94 anyway, you know, old. You know, if I was a different person, I would have committed suicide after that - just saying...

As far as I'm concerned, the number ONE rule in any grieving group should be: "My pain is mine, yours is yours. We cannot know how that pain feels or impacts our own reality. Do not diminish my pain, in light of yours .. and I won't diminish yours, in light of mine."

I'm mean and ornery enough, that if my sense of loss and pain had been ignored or diminished by specific actions .. either from another griever or from the facilitator, I'd be going directly to who or whatever is sponsoring the event. "Are you kidding?? You let people basically tell me that my pain is nothing compared to someone else's?? I'll be sure to let all MY friends know what kind of non-caring, irresponsible organization you're running. Have business cards?" (and one by one tear the things up)

LadeeC - THANK YOU!!!That's exactly what I was trying to say! We NEVER diminish each others' pain! I did speak to the facilitator BEFORE I left & he apologized & was shocked but that was it. And like I said I spoke to the main facilitator but she wasn't very helpful. She said she couldn't guarantee someone else wouldn't say the same thing to me since they can't censor what people say! I tried FB but didn't get much support or advice. I just need to know how to FORGET what she said which I'm having a very hard time doing.

were about to bury my mother and there is grief and loss mixed with relief for her. the ladys words may have not came out well or may not have sat well with you but if she lost a child shes probably more broken than bent. i agree with her statement..

Krusso .. true that the facility can't control others' comments, and yet it would behoove the program to have some opening comments, groundrules .. *something* that promotes a gentle spirit about pain.

As to forgetting what someone else told you. WE are responsible for our reactions. I don't mean to imply it's easy, but we have to take at least that much control over the situation. Let's pretend for a moment that the woman said what she said, so that someone else might feel a touch of her pain, that she's hoping by saying things like that it might ease her own. She's in such a state that she can't realize it's futile. Let's pretend she meant to be mean. So what? Literally.

What others do and say is not about you, as much as it is about them.

What finally works for me to get past what I consider to be other people's rudeness, meanness, spitefulness is to realize: it's not about me .. it's about them. Their pain. I work to try to comprehend from their perspective. I don't always succeed, but I try hard to turn my anger into understanding and compassion. Not for their sake: for mine. I'd rather feel love and healing, than bitterness and pain. And I get to choose, believe it or not.

Many years ago, I was sitting in my garden, grieving deeply the loss of the love of my life, tears streaming, the wail of grief cutting off my breath, so that I was hiccupping and rocking myself uncontrollably. I was utterly alone. And a soft, still voice whispered in my head, "Are you done yet?" The rest of the 'conversation' (there weren't any other answers but my own, so it was a one-sided affair), went along these lines: Huh? Well, yeah, I hate feeling this way. So Stop. What? How can I just stop? I could visualize myself drawing a line in the sand. Step over that line and be done. How could it be that easy? Try it and see. I took a deep breath and stepped. I chose to be finished with the anger and the pain. And .. it was that easy.

As I said, it's been many years since that "lesson" .. and I've had to relearn it time and again. And it's always true. I am my own best enemy and my own best friend. I cherish what I have around me, and further choose to walk away from what does not give me joy or strength. I've walked away from strangers who labeled themselves friends and family.

We may not think we have choices, but every movement we make is a decision. A Choice. I like to call them ChoicePoint moments .. to help remind me that it IS a choice. Some times are harder than others .. because something in me wants to cling to something about that pain: the memory, my own self-righteousness, my own need to be right (oh, don't get me started on that one), the indignation, the shame. And, when I finally do move on .. call it forgiveness, call it willful choice, call it whatever you want .. when I move on, I realize how much power and grief and pain I allowed something/something outside of me to effect me, and how much time and energy I could have been giving something else. And then I choose something else. I just do.

==
ok, that was really much more long-winded and more preachy than I usually like to be. But .. it's written .. and I've never shared that "are you done yet" story with anyone, anywhere. Guess I just need to say it .. whether it means anything to anyone else .. is anyone's else's best guess. Hope it's somehow helpful.

Blessings .. Love, Laugh, Learn,
LadeeC

When my father passed away it was the worse time of my life. He was my saving grace. Now that I think back my mother has always been in her own little world. Her dementia didn't become obvious until 2007. But she definately had the precursor personality traits. I told my siblings that although I'm sure loosing her will be awful. I feel that my dad has blazed the trail for everyone except for heaven forbid one of my children. So I understand the point she was making with her statement. But I'm sure to you it felt as if she was saying your dad was no big deal.. it was very insensitive but I agree with captain she is very broken and hopefully never meant for it to come across as such.. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I don't care how old your father was,, he was still your father and I'm sure he meant the world to you. I am truly sorry for your loss..

Krusso - I just had an idea that MIGHT help you forget. First of all, I want to say that you are entitled to mourn your parents as much as you need to. That woman was WRONG! to say what she said. But here's my idea.

Can you picture that woman saying the exact same thing to you, but with tears streaming down her face, possibly even holding the body of a dead child? Then her words would not mean "Your grief is small." They would mean "My grief is so enormous that it fills the entire world. My grief is so large that no one else even exists. My grief is killing me." I think if you see that, you might be able to forget your wounds, which are real, and forget how her words hurt you, and open your heart to have compassion for her. She is wounded, and like a wounded animal, she is dangerous to be around because her pain causes her to strike out. What she said has no reflection on you.

If this idea doesn't help, please ignore it. I still haven't forgotten or forgiven a stranger who went on and on about how inappropriate my husband's behavior had been AFTER I told her he had memory problems. His "inappropriate behavior" was taking the conversation in a different direction! So if you want to, just punch the b***h in the face. lol.

LadeeC, thank you for sharing that story. I realized a long time ago that when I go to work I choose my attitude. When I choose a good one my day is great. When I choose a poor one, I have an awful day letting the small things upset me. Thank you.

Captain, so YOU agre w/her? I'm not entitled to grieve for my parents? Ok, I'll see what everyone else says!

Ok, I GET that losing a child is the most horrific life event a parent can go through BUT it STILL didn't give her the right to diminish or even tell me that I have no business grieving my Daddy!!! I guess it was a mix of reactions - all helpful & maybe what I'll do is reach out to the funeral home & let them know how I feel - thank you!

Surprisingly it was Anderson-McQueen that allowed that to happen - wow! They weren't much help after the fact, like I said...:(

Krusso, the grieving group probably went over the stages of grief. Anger is one of those stages, some people to through the stages in different order and some repeat stages. Go ahead and feel that anger towards the grieving mom. She may have been expressing her anger when she upset you with her emotional statement. Sometimes grieving moms feel that everyone else is lucky to not be feeling their pain and they get angry.

Grieving groups are a place to share these emotions. Feel your anger, it's a healthy emotion. Anger isn't always bad.

I have buried both my mother and my child when he was 25. There is No comparison. Unless you go thru both you really have no idea of the total grief and devastation you feel when your child has died. While what she said may have offended you I wonder why you did not show any compassion towards her since she had obviously lost her child. It also may have been her way of opening up to you and letting you know she had lost a child. Everyone does not share information the same way. If you just walked away I imagine that she may feel that you could care less about her loss. She may be on her writing about you. People react differently while grieving. It sounds like you have wonderful parents and are very close to them. I know that your dad has passed. Spend what time you have with your mother making memories with her so that you always have them to remember after she's joined your dad. You may never forget what this woman said but also remember that her child has also died. She may not know that what she said offended you so much.

It's pretty insensitive that this person had to have a bit of a peeing match over grief. It's painful to lose someone you love, no matter who it is. Grief is both universal and extremely personal all at once so to say losing a child tops losing a parent isn't terribly considerate. Obviously this person is still working through some troubles of their own if that's how they feel. In time you might get over the comments; at least for now hopefully you find some comfort in knowing there are people out there who understand what you're going through.

Small addendum to my last post .. Actually, I don't 'forget.' I move on .. with a change of heart, of attitude ... and sometimes it just takes TIME.

Yeah, but she was expressing her anger at ME for even grieving for my Dad & that's just NOT fair.

Heidi73 - thank you for finally understanding! I would NEVER diminish the pain of losing a child but I'm in pain too! And will be AGAIN when mommy passes! I do so much for her financially,etc., that I just cant imagine her NOT being here...

Krusso, I had something of that experience being in a support group with widows when I had lost first my dad and then my mom within a year and a half. Just because a grief is a more common one doesn't make it less real. Maybe 85% us us lose our parents, about 45% of us lose a spouse, 5 or 10% of us lose a child...and ALL those losses hurt. I find I have the biggest problem when there is a little voice inside MY head that has been thinking/saying all along what the unwelcome commentator puts a real voice to...like when I have heard or read criticism of people who did not manage to take/keep their loved one at home, which I was not able to do.

You don't forget exactly, but you come to realize that your own experience in your own head is real and valid and yes, sure, maybe it IS generally worse in many ways to lose a child or a spouse than a parent and yet that does not make it easy when mom and dad go on and leave you at the helm. You were in need of support and someone who felt they needed support more, or needed more support, decided it was OK to get it by taking it away from you...and no, it was NOT OK. A better facilitator might have handled it better for you, but they are only human and these things are awkward.

I was going to stay away from this post, but today would have been my son's 40th birthday. He was murdered at 20. I have experienced BOTH and there is NO comparison. Forgive the woman. She may have been a little rude, but, imo, the suffering of losing your child is a million times worse than any other pain imaginable. It's been 20 years now and feels like it happened yesterday.

BoniChak please see Heidi73's answer. Don't you EVER minimize my grief ever again!

Read my answer again....and don't EVER tell me what I can or can not say. Try to get out of yourself enough to actually UNDERSTAND it. Obviously, you didn't. Now I'm thinking maybe you were treated rudely due to YOUR attitude. I know I shouldn't assume.....but....whatever. You do know what "whatever" means....right?

PS. You do realize that misplaced anger is a stage of grieving....right? You might need to find a new support group. Just sayin...

I was only there one day - & yes I will find a new support group!