Grief over daddy and now mom. How do I get passed anger for the woman at grief support?

I shouldn't have asked that question & from now on I'll stick to parent care. If I can help others w/my own experience I will. This is a SUPPORT group, & calling nursing homes a "garbage can for the elderly" is NOT support! Another member called them that &, well...When you enter a support group, mainly in person but now online too, the purpose is support NOT comparing pain! I don't know why I can't get some people to understand that! Anyway, I consider my question closed now.

Today being my dead son's Birthday, it has been an emotional day, to say the least. Thank you to the many of you,that support my right to an opinion on a subject I know WAY TOO much about.Thanks also to all of you that sent me personal hugs. I really needed them today. Special shout out to my defender and friend Jinx. You Rock and you know it!

CarolLynn - That was not a very nice thing to say - "There's that old story: EVERYBODY'S out of step but Johnny..." But of course you have the right to say it.....

BoniChak - I didn't misinterpret your post. OF COURSE it is worse to lose a child than a parent. OF COURSE. NO CONTEST.

But there doesn't have to be a contest! Krusso, I can personally clearly imagine what it was like to have someone tell you that you have no right to grieve, how painful and insulting and blaming that was. That is NOT what anyone here is saying.

It is worse to lose a leg than a foot, but they are both terrible and cause suffering and sadness and a big change in your life. It is not minimizing your right to grieve to say which is worse, because what has happened to you, or will happen to you is the worst thing that has ever happened to YOU. You can have a little grief or a lot of grief or no grief at all, and no one should tell you different.

Krusso, You were hurt and angry with good reason. But to tell a mother whose son was MURDERED that she is minimizing your grief is lacking in compassion and any sort of perspective. Get over yourself. NOT over your grief, but get over having rules about how people are supposed to treat you.

You do have a chip on your shoulder, or thin skin or something. Again, I'm not talking about your grief, but about what you will allow others to say to you. No one gets to control what other people say to them. You can say what you like to BoniChak. I also get to say to you that I think you are being unkind to someone who was NOT being unkind to you. Please relax and let us continue to support you in your grief. You do not get less sympathy from us because it's ONLY your parents who are dying.

There's that old story: EVERYBODY'S out of step but Johnny...

I'm starting to understand why Jeanne left. Sigh.

Carol you must have misinterpreted my post as well. Oh well, your loss. I was sharing my opinions, just like everyone else was. That was in NO WAY diminishing anyone elses feelings. I was also giving advice. The question was how to handle anger. My answer was forgive. The original poster was rude to others that were expressing their opinions as well. I thought the fact that the professionals did not acknowledge her complaints as much as she would have liked, was very telling as well. I think a persons attitude gets them what it gets them. Sour begets sour, compassion begets compassion.......think about it, before you attack me for MY feelings and opinions and answers to questions asked. Maybe you should re-read too.

Oh, my goodness. Poor krusso is SUFFERING...sharing her feelings, trying to pull herself out of are negative place, going to a support group and not feeling supported, even feeling put down for her feelings.

Then she comes here, supposing to be a safe place of support, which has been helpful before, and the posts are beginning to help pull her through by soothing and understanding. Then Heidi writes something that totally resonates with krusso and you can tell it's beginning to make her feel better.

Then all of a sudden BonChak chines in, even though she starts out by saying she was going to stay away from this post, but doesn't, and spins the entire conversation right back to where krusso was coming from in the first place.

Now two members are warring amongst themselves DON'T tell me what to do! Well then, Don't Tell ME what to do! OMG... I'm trying to imagine why BonChak had needed that particular time to chime in without realizing she was pulling the conversation back in the wrong direction. But I can only infer that THAT is HER perspective. It was just ill timed to share it at that moment.

Everything, every single thing, in life is relative and it's all about perspective. I can share my own story of loss right now because it's pertinent, and hope I won't be judged because it's not a parent or child, it's about a dog. But the analogy is similar, and it's about insensitive comments. I'm single, never been married, had my own business, have taken care of 4 close relatives with dementia, without the help of my family, but my avocation was Animal Rescue. I placed most of the animals I rescued but did keep several and it would be fair to say that I had more animals than most people would prefer. One old red dog, toothless, arthritic and partially blind I rescued from the busy street in front of my business one day. I had him for three years before he passed. There was a girlfriend of mine whom I had known since we were 11 years old. She I loved her ONE dog very much and never judged me for my Menagerie. But when I was upset and told her Red had died, she rather flippantly and cavalierly said that at least it wasn't one of my "regular" animals. Can I even explain to you how that comment took me aback? What is that supposed to mean I asked her. Well, you didn't have him since he was a puppy or anything. I kept confronting her and her answers got more and more lame. She had a very sick mom, an autistic child, an agoraphobic husband as well as a disabled large dog. I had never been anything other than helpful and supportive of her and her family needs. And biw she couldn't see that I could love this old dog the same as my other dogs and cats I may have had all their lives. We didn't keep bringing this up but we never really came to an agreement on the philosophy of this. Little my little our friendship of 50 years eroded and it is today non existent.

Now, some of you might say, OMG, just over a DOG? But, no, over feeling hurt an unsupported. Not the dog, my emotions. Things affect you very powerfully when your emotions are raw and out there on your sleeve.

So, I think what krusso was trying to address in the beginning what's her pain. And the woman in the support group also having pain, was saying, My pain's bigger than your pain. Then BC chimed in to enforce that idea. I'm here to tell you, as Heidi said, this isn't a peeing contest for who hurts more than anybody else. This is a Support Forum - offer positive advice but please don't interject your own story as a way to quantify someone else's experience, particularly as a way of putting it benearh your own!

For the final time, do NOT minimize my grief Have a nice day too.

Are you sure? You still don't seem to "get it". Nobody can minimize YOUR grief! Grief is relative. I was stating my own personal opinion, having been on both sides of the fence. You were asking how to get over your anger. My answer was forgive her RUDENESS. Try it one more time. Read it slower, that might help. And DON"T tell me what I can or can not say. :) Have a nice day.

I'm not as stupid as you seem to think I am - &, like I said don't minimize my grief!

I was only there one day - & yes I will find a new support group!

PS. You do realize that misplaced anger is a stage of grieving....right? You might need to find a new support group. Just sayin...

Read my answer again....and don't EVER tell me what I can or can not say. Try to get out of yourself enough to actually UNDERSTAND it. Obviously, you didn't. Now I'm thinking maybe you were treated rudely due to YOUR attitude. I know I shouldn't assume.....but....whatever. You do know what "whatever" means....right?

BoniChak please see Heidi73's answer. Don't you EVER minimize my grief ever again!

I was going to stay away from this post, but today would have been my son's 40th birthday. He was murdered at 20. I have experienced BOTH and there is NO comparison. Forgive the woman. She may have been a little rude, but, imo, the suffering of losing your child is a million times worse than any other pain imaginable. It's been 20 years now and feels like it happened yesterday.

Krusso, I had something of that experience being in a support group with widows when I had lost first my dad and then my mom within a year and a half. Just because a grief is a more common one doesn't make it less real. Maybe 85% us us lose our parents, about 45% of us lose a spouse, 5 or 10% of us lose a child...and ALL those losses hurt. I find I have the biggest problem when there is a little voice inside MY head that has been thinking/saying all along what the unwelcome commentator puts a real voice to...like when I have heard or read criticism of people who did not manage to take/keep their loved one at home, which I was not able to do.

You don't forget exactly, but you come to realize that your own experience in your own head is real and valid and yes, sure, maybe it IS generally worse in many ways to lose a child or a spouse than a parent and yet that does not make it easy when mom and dad go on and leave you at the helm. You were in need of support and someone who felt they needed support more, or needed more support, decided it was OK to get it by taking it away from you...and no, it was NOT OK. A better facilitator might have handled it better for you, but they are only human and these things are awkward.

Heidi73 - thank you for finally understanding! I would NEVER diminish the pain of losing a child but I'm in pain too! And will be AGAIN when mommy passes! I do so much for her financially,etc., that I just cant imagine her NOT being here...

Yeah, but she was expressing her anger at ME for even grieving for my Dad & that's just NOT fair.

Small addendum to my last post .. Actually, I don't 'forget.' I move on .. with a change of heart, of attitude ... and sometimes it just takes TIME.

It's pretty insensitive that this person had to have a bit of a peeing match over grief. It's painful to lose someone you love, no matter who it is. Grief is both universal and extremely personal all at once so to say losing a child tops losing a parent isn't terribly considerate. Obviously this person is still working through some troubles of their own if that's how they feel. In time you might get over the comments; at least for now hopefully you find some comfort in knowing there are people out there who understand what you're going through.

I have buried both my mother and my child when he was 25. There is No comparison. Unless you go thru both you really have no idea of the total grief and devastation you feel when your child has died. While what she said may have offended you I wonder why you did not show any compassion towards her since she had obviously lost her child. It also may have been her way of opening up to you and letting you know she had lost a child. Everyone does not share information the same way. If you just walked away I imagine that she may feel that you could care less about her loss. She may be on her writing about you. People react differently while grieving. It sounds like you have wonderful parents and are very close to them. I know that your dad has passed. Spend what time you have with your mother making memories with her so that you always have them to remember after she's joined your dad. You may never forget what this woman said but also remember that her child has also died. She may not know that what she said offended you so much.

Krusso, the grieving group probably went over the stages of grief. Anger is one of those stages, some people to through the stages in different order and some repeat stages. Go ahead and feel that anger towards the grieving mom. She may have been expressing her anger when she upset you with her emotional statement. Sometimes grieving moms feel that everyone else is lucky to not be feeling their pain and they get angry.

Grieving groups are a place to share these emotions. Feel your anger, it's a healthy emotion. Anger isn't always bad.

Surprisingly it was Anderson-McQueen that allowed that to happen - wow! They weren't much help after the fact, like I said...:(

Ok, I GET that losing a child is the most horrific life event a parent can go through BUT it STILL didn't give her the right to diminish or even tell me that I have no business grieving my Daddy!!! I guess it was a mix of reactions - all helpful & maybe what I'll do is reach out to the funeral home & let them know how I feel - thank you!

Captain, so YOU agre w/her? I'm not entitled to grieve for my parents? Ok, I'll see what everyone else says!

LadeeC, thank you for sharing that story. I realized a long time ago that when I go to work I choose my attitude. When I choose a good one my day is great. When I choose a poor one, I have an awful day letting the small things upset me. Thank you.

Krusso - I just had an idea that MIGHT help you forget. First of all, I want to say that you are entitled to mourn your parents as much as you need to. That woman was WRONG! to say what she said. But here's my idea.

Can you picture that woman saying the exact same thing to you, but with tears streaming down her face, possibly even holding the body of a dead child? Then her words would not mean "Your grief is small." They would mean "My grief is so enormous that it fills the entire world. My grief is so large that no one else even exists. My grief is killing me." I think if you see that, you might be able to forget your wounds, which are real, and forget how her words hurt you, and open your heart to have compassion for her. She is wounded, and like a wounded animal, she is dangerous to be around because her pain causes her to strike out. What she said has no reflection on you.

If this idea doesn't help, please ignore it. I still haven't forgotten or forgiven a stranger who went on and on about how inappropriate my husband's behavior had been AFTER I told her he had memory problems. His "inappropriate behavior" was taking the conversation in a different direction! So if you want to, just punch the b***h in the face. lol.

When my father passed away it was the worse time of my life. He was my saving grace. Now that I think back my mother has always been in her own little world. Her dementia didn't become obvious until 2007. But she definately had the precursor personality traits. I told my siblings that although I'm sure loosing her will be awful. I feel that my dad has blazed the trail for everyone except for heaven forbid one of my children. So I understand the point she was making with her statement. But I'm sure to you it felt as if she was saying your dad was no big deal.. it was very insensitive but I agree with captain she is very broken and hopefully never meant for it to come across as such.. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I don't care how old your father was,, he was still your father and I'm sure he meant the world to you. I am truly sorry for your loss..

Krusso .. true that the facility can't control others' comments, and yet it would behoove the program to have some opening comments, groundrules .. *something* that promotes a gentle spirit about pain.

As to forgetting what someone else told you. WE are responsible for our reactions. I don't mean to imply it's easy, but we have to take at least that much control over the situation. Let's pretend for a moment that the woman said what she said, so that someone else might feel a touch of her pain, that she's hoping by saying things like that it might ease her own. She's in such a state that she can't realize it's futile. Let's pretend she meant to be mean. So what? Literally.

What others do and say is not about you, as much as it is about them.

What finally works for me to get past what I consider to be other people's rudeness, meanness, spitefulness is to realize: it's not about me .. it's about them. Their pain. I work to try to comprehend from their perspective. I don't always succeed, but I try hard to turn my anger into understanding and compassion. Not for their sake: for mine. I'd rather feel love and healing, than bitterness and pain. And I get to choose, believe it or not.

Many years ago, I was sitting in my garden, grieving deeply the loss of the love of my life, tears streaming, the wail of grief cutting off my breath, so that I was hiccupping and rocking myself uncontrollably. I was utterly alone. And a soft, still voice whispered in my head, "Are you done yet?" The rest of the 'conversation' (there weren't any other answers but my own, so it was a one-sided affair), went along these lines: Huh? Well, yeah, I hate feeling this way. So Stop. What? How can I just stop? I could visualize myself drawing a line in the sand. Step over that line and be done. How could it be that easy? Try it and see. I took a deep breath and stepped. I chose to be finished with the anger and the pain. And .. it was that easy.

As I said, it's been many years since that "lesson" .. and I've had to relearn it time and again. And it's always true. I am my own best enemy and my own best friend. I cherish what I have around me, and further choose to walk away from what does not give me joy or strength. I've walked away from strangers who labeled themselves friends and family.

We may not think we have choices, but every movement we make is a decision. A Choice. I like to call them ChoicePoint moments .. to help remind me that it IS a choice. Some times are harder than others .. because something in me wants to cling to something about that pain: the memory, my own self-righteousness, my own need to be right (oh, don't get me started on that one), the indignation, the shame. And, when I finally do move on .. call it forgiveness, call it willful choice, call it whatever you want .. when I move on, I realize how much power and grief and pain I allowed something/something outside of me to effect me, and how much time and energy I could have been giving something else. And then I choose something else. I just do.

==
ok, that was really much more long-winded and more preachy than I usually like to be. But .. it's written .. and I've never shared that "are you done yet" story with anyone, anywhere. Guess I just need to say it .. whether it means anything to anyone else .. is anyone's else's best guess. Hope it's somehow helpful.

Blessings .. Love, Laugh, Learn,
LadeeC