Guilt and anger over mom in ALC with holidays coming.

WaytoM: I hope we can attend, too. We're planning on it. Our situation geographically is different in that we live close to our son which eliminates potential airport hassles vs. a long drive. Also, we would definitely wish to be cooperative, but even so, if we can't "blend in", more or less, then it could involve extra accommodation for our limitations. That isn't what we want for them on their special day or for us.

WaytoMisery: Oh my, such a potentially difficult wedding scenario. We may be facing a somewhat similar situation in that our youngest son and his fiancée plan to get married this spring in their home. Fortunately, it's about a 15-minute drive from us. We know they want us to be there. We definitely want to be IF we can do so without making it "about us" due to mobility/age-related issues.

I totally understand your MIL's reluctance to attempt navigating a busy, crowded airport on her own--but the consequence of that is, as has been suggested, stay put at home and enjoy the wedding photographs after the fact. IMO, we old people must try to adapt. It is what it is.

Why should old people ruin the holiday(s) for everyone else? We've had our holidays--MANY of them. The plan is for my spouse and I to spend T'giving, Xmas and New Year's at home. Our adult children will call/come by--or not--as they choose. They have busy, full lives, as we did at their age. They aren't obligated to cater to us.

Our youngest son and his fiancée are cooking T'giving dinner and generously offered to share it with us in a way that works for all of us. We're most appreciative. They live about 15 minutes away so will drop off the food, visit briefly, then return home to celebrate with their family/guests. That's as it should be. Why would we want to cast a potential pall over the holiday with transport/mobility and possibly other age-related issues?

Enjoy the day with your family! My mother went into a nursing home in March. She has severe dementia. She will not realize it's a holiday. For the first time in 59 years I will not be held hostage "being there" for my mother. Last Christmas, I was alone with her, during a blizzard, both of us with Covid. I swore I would never again spend a miserable holiday like that. My brother's family was scheduled to come, but it's a very long drive and the weather prevented it.

This year my husband and I are invited to a local Friendsgiving. Christmas will be spent one state over, with family I've wanted to spend Christmas with for decades, but never could. Mom's birthday is four days after Christmas, and by then I'll be at my brother's as my niece and her fiancé are moving to Colorado January 2. I'll see her before and after the holidays. Can't wait to not have to cater to anyone! The one rule I've made clear with my family is NO GIFTS. We will eat, drink, be merry and enjoy each other's company. We are all fortunate to have the means to buy anything we want or need. Takes a huge amount of stress out of the holiday to not have to shop for anything but food with a stop at the liquor store.

DesertRose,

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family!

Enjoy all of the festivities.

Desertrose, I am so happy that you had a fun Thanksgiving with your mom at her new home. Well done!

Now, enjoy your Thanksgiving with your hubby and son.

Cover- have you bothered to ask your facility about Thanksgiving? Just complaining and never advocating is not a good look for anyone. I have never seen a facililty that didn't do something for the residents, ask them.

Holidays...I just thought I'd share my situation. My mom is also in an AL since end of July. I have distanced myself from her due to her constant manipulation and demands. She is a narcissist and has BPD along with Dementia. She and my father were divorced when I was 14 and I married my DH when I wa 19. Every holiday I have had her over to partake in our families festivities and most of theses occassions were filled with dread. She makes everything about her and is unpleasant and disrespectful. This year I found my backbone and decided that we will have our family holidays without her. I want to enjoy our holidays with my kids and grandkids. I have finally decided that it's my turn to be happy. I will not feel guilty. You are not a monster. You deserve also to create happy memories with your family. She is where she needs to be. Blessings to you and your husband.

If it's really going to be an unbearable situation you shouldn't feel guilt at all! Get rid of the anger too. Assisted living is great for everyone!

Everyone please take note of DesertRose's update for us three hours ago, about the good thanksgiving celebration she spent with her Mom in her new ALF.

My husband always says "You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

You don't need to set your Thanksgiving on fire to keep your mother warm.

You don't need to set your Christmas on fire to keep your mother warm.

You don't need to set your marriage on fire to keep your mother warm.

Get the picture?

Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your husband. You owe him that.

So....I think in your situation, you've got to just do what is best for you. I had a MIL like this years ago. She'd manipulate her son until we'd leave my parents house earlier than anticipated EVERY YEAR, up until the last Thanksgiving toward at end of my marriage. She'd truly start on him 2-3 before the holiday knowing full well when it was parents turn by moving her dinner times around, and if it was her turn, she'd start vying for more time even AFTER eating. It was nuts for close to 6 years. I finally put my foot down. I told my ex that I was staying with my family and I'd see him when he was done with his fam. At some point, boundaries are essential.
I know how you feel. As it stands, I have a 3 strike rule and you're out!
But I do understand that Mom may feel a little lonely and slighted. So, for your sake and peace of mind, maybe you finally come to the table and speak to her with some honesty tell her you'll visit her at the AL for the holidays. Hard conversations only make for easier understanding in the long run.

Yesterday I attended the Thanksgiving celebration at my mom’s ALC. It was fun and tons of good food. My mom seemed to enjoy it. The staff had styled all of the ladies hair and everyone was in a festive mood. I was apprehensive to go but we had fun. I still have some mixed feelings and a little sadness that things are different now, but the ALC really put on a wonderful party for everyone. This is our new reality and it’s nice how the caregivers make a big deal over the holidays. Those people are true heros.

Desertrose, from my experience, all facilities have holiday celebrations before the actual day. I would participate in those activities with my dad and then we would do whatever we wanted on the actual day. This way I didn't feel like I was abandoning him on the holidays, which we all know are very hard, even when people are healthy.

You should do whatever you feel you can live with. Some people will destroy themselves with guilt for not being there and others don't think twice, with a thousand things in between. What will work for your heart is what you should do.

You have gone above and beyond for your parents, you have been and are a good daughter, please don't let your moms manipulation make you feel any differently. Whether she acknowledges it or not, she is very blessed by you.

Anger and hurt are just forms of grieving over past hurts and seeing your parents age and decline. You are a good daughter. It’s sounds like you have honored both of your parents during your life.
Holidays are always tough because of all the different expectations of the different family members. I’m sorry you have felt caught between them.
Just remember what Thanksgiving is truly about. It’s a time to reflect on the blessings in our life and thank God for watching over us this past year. Let go of the guilt. Honor your mom by seeing her at the ALC with a plate of delicious food whenever it works for your family. Give her a hug and thank her for being your mom. She’s not perfect, but no one is.

If Mom asks , you tell her she needs to be where she is because that’s where her caregivers are . That you don’t have a proper setup ( ex, bathroom ) in your home either for her needs . This is what we are going to tell my FIL .

Tell her you will bring her a plate the next day . Or you tell her you aren’t cooking this year, you are going to someone else’s house . Or tell her you are going away and won’t be home .

Enjoy your holiday with your husband .

Leave her in the AL where she belongs. There are absolutely no benefits to bringing her home for the holiday and having everyone's day ruined.

No you are not a monster. It sounds like you did a great job caring for your mom and AL is the best place for her to be now.

You are entitled to enjoy your Holidays without manipulation and the stress she adds. And I truly hope that you have a great Thanksgiving and don't fixate on this.

I myself plan to be home which is 3,000 miles from my parents for the Holidays. My parents are both in wheelchairs and it is not possible to transport them to any family gatherings near to them. So I am glad they can be together in the NH for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is something. I will see them in December near Christmas but will go back home again. This arrangement is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it is good enough. Sometimes we can only hope for good enough.

You are not a monster. Or you and I both monsters, along with countless others. I, too, am struggling with decades of anger and hurt feelings.

I moved my mother next door in 2003 and it soon became obvious that she expected to rule my roost. Along came dementia which magnified the problems. Thanks to a crisis, I got her into care 2.5 years ago. I was at my breaking point.

I know how disrespectful this will sound to the millions who died or were left harmed by COVID-19 and I am sorry. But I appreciated how it gave me an easy out from hosting my mother. (3 kids - 3 schools - such a high risk of exposure) The world didn’t end. In fact she never even mentioned it.

If I were you I’d visit a few days ahead. Maybe mention that you’re excited for her and the centre’s upcoming celebration. Help her pick out an outfit, if that sounds like a “mom” thing. Bring her something fancy or fun to wear for the occasion.

Then leave your guilt behind as you head home to enjoy your own celebration on your own terms.

This is YOUR time. You have earned it! You have paid your dues and then some. So has your husband. Enjoy your time alone.

I was the one who did all of the holiday cooking year after year. One year I announced that I was going to the beach for thanksgiving! It was one of my favorite thanksgivings that my husband, daughters and I have shared together.

Nothing fell apart when I was gone. My brothers did all of the cooking that year. Mom had a great day. It was absolutely fine that I wasn’t the hostess that year.

I called my mom, siblings/wives, nieces, nephews and cousins on thanksgiving morning to wish them a happy thanksgiving.

Then I resumed enjoying my time at the beach, long walks barefoot in the sand while listening to the surf, looking at seashells. watching the birds fly overhead, eating seafood, relaxing and enjoying every moment of it!

Enjoy your day with your family. Bring her a plate if you feel like it. The facility will be doing their own celebrations for the residents.

I agree with Loopy about mentioning her prior behavior.

Tell her you will bring her a plate...on Friday. Just enjoy your holiday.

I had the same sense of 'guilt' that my father had to be included. For many years I did not enjoy holidays because it was too much friggin work to coordinate having him over. My son helped with bringing him there but was not available to bring him home. My daughter helped when she was still in high school but moved a distance away afterwards so could not help me get him back to AL. My husband couldn't assist at Thanksgiving because we had other guests. Then there was the time he didn't feel well at Thanksgiving so I had to leave my guests and take him home...only for him to insist I stay with him awhile. The last year he was with us his ability to handle things in the bathroom was gone so he needed assistance and ALWAYS at the most inconvenient of times. After that last Christmas I decided in my head that I could not longer have him over, it was too much damn work for me. Luckily I didn't have to break it to him as Covid solved that problem.

There is nothing wrong with saying I want to enjoy a holiday for once. Why does it always have to be about their enjoyment (and lets face it, most of the time they don't seem happy no matter what we do)??

Here's a suggestion.

LEARN from all those years of your mother ruining holidays and making them unbearable.

Please don't be a martyr. Not only will that ruin your life, but it will ruin the lives of yourself and everyone you love who loves you in turn. Don't do that to your husband (Mazel Tov to you both on 49 years of marriage) and your family that you want to have a Thanksgiving with.

Now listen or should I say read carefully. Everyone the world over has lied to their parents about something or another at some point in their lives.

So here's what you do.

When your mother is hinting about what you're doing for the holiday, you tell her that you're going on vacation. Or that you're not cooking this year but going to someone else's house. She will be none the wiser if no one tells her different.

Do the same thing when it's Christmas and New Year's too if you celebrate those holidays.

You and your family (if you want to) can pick another day to be Thanksgiving or Christmas for your mother.

My mother hints and tries to guilt trip me about not making Christmas for her and the family. Then I remind her that I've been Jewish since 2003.
Just ignore the guilt-tripping and a little white lie to your mother about your holiday plans will hurt no one.

One way you can present it to her: "Mom, in all these years you said you'd come to Thanksgiving dinner at our house. Then you'd decide at the last minute you didn't feel like it. And that was when you were more able-bodied. So there's no need to put you through all the trouble to take you here and back. Even if we did bring you here, you'll want to leave not long afterwards. It's going to be too hard on you."

Another way: "You've never enjoyed Thanksgiving before, why are you wanting to go now?" She won't have an answer, or will make up some angle to guilt you. I imagine she'll pull the 'this might be my last Thanksgiving'. Turning it back on her with reminding her prior actions.

You are hereby declared MY HERO OF THE DAY!

Your anger is justified.
Your choice of spouse IS, WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE,
YOUR BUSINESS AND ONLY YOUR BUSINESS.

You have paid your dues 100x100 times over.

Your husband is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about your Thanksgiving, and you and he and your son are richly entitled to it.

You cannot SAFELY transport her and it is not in her best interests for her to leave her ALC.

Your mother can’t “manipulate”you unless you let her. If/when she makes the first negative comment or accusation, look at your watch jump up and say “Look at the TIME! IF I don’t leave RIGHT NOW I’ll be late for my (dentist appointment - meeting with the people at the library-picking up the dry cleaning- you get the idea)”. Give her a hug and kiss on the forehead and immediately LEAVE.

Don’t turn around or respond to her if she howls for you.

You have forgotten that sometimes the most important person for the caretaker IS THE CARETAKER h/h self, and it’s TIME to REMEMBER TO DO THAT.

Only if you want to and are comfortable doing so, take her a piece of pie some time over the weekend, and tell her to enjoy it whenever she eats it.

ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF YOUR COZY RELAXED Thanksgiving. YOU DESRVE IT!

Two days before TG last year my FIL took a "fall". (staged variety). But he insisted on being transported to the hospital. He went positively catatonic physically and told the fire dept that came to do the lift assist that he could not help them in any way. (normally he could move around or help). They had to take him out on a tarp.

He remained in the hospital through the holiday and was upset that we had dinner without him. (They literally could not find ANYTHING wrong with him except a mild UTI that he was already being treated for and believe me they tested). But for whatever reason he could not get out of the bed. (he normally took himself to the bathroom at least). We took him a plate - he wanted us to SPOON FEED him. When we refused he finally picked up the utensils and ate like he hadn't eaten in weeks.

From the hospital he was transported to a rehab because he could NOT get back on his feet in the week he was there. For 2 weeks in rehab he was hoyer lifted into and out of the bed when needed and made zero effort to move his body except to feed himself because no one would do it for him - because everyone was well aware that he COULD and WOULD feed himself. (please note - there was zero physical reason for this - and there were no neurological events). He was just refusing to move. When DH and SIL said that he would have to go to a nursing home if he didn't show any signs of improvement because there was no way we could care for him at home - suddenly he was begging for PT and OT. (you have to realize we are dealing with a narcissist here - so insane stories are par for the course).

By this point we were a week before Christmas. He demanded to be taken home for Christmas. We told him that it was impossible because he had just graduated from the hoyer lift and still needed three people and a lift strap to get out of bed. There was no way he could get into a car and certainly not into his house. So we told him we would bring Christmas to him. It wasn't good enough. He threw a total tantrum. It was UGLY.

So we did our regular family Christmas - and just took him a plate later. If he was going to be sulky and pouty anyway - why would we bend over backwards to bring the entire Christmas to him when he was going to take all of the joy out of it?

Spoiler alert: even though he INSISTED that he could 100% do everything he needed to come home for Christmas - he is in a nursing home now - because he could NOT do what needed to be done to come home. Coming home was unsafe for him. And here we are a year later. So yeah...

We are coming up on the holidays again - and I am waiting for him to start about us taking him out of the nursing home. Again, he is almost 100% bedridden. He cannot even stand up without two CNAs helping him out of bed and complains loud and long about the enforced requirement for him to be in his wheelchair for at least 2 hours each day to avoid pressure sores. Bringing him home in a car - when he hasn't been in one (except in a wheelchair in a transport) in a year and he can't even sit for more than 15 minutes without complaining (and his nursing home is over an hour one way) would be impossible. And there is no where for him to sit, no hospital bed or place for him to comfortably stay for several hours.

Frankly - I still think every time he demands to come home for "just the holiday" is a ploy to escape and not return LOL. I mean how exactly does one force a 300lb man who can barely move back into a car?

Anyway - I say all of that to say this - you should NOT feel guilty for enjoying your holiday. Her ALF will have activities. You can visit at another time. That's our plan . We are going to get yelled at - we already know that. But we are going to get yelled at anyway so we may as well get some joy out of the bargain.

Enjoy the holiday with your family at home. Reject any guilt, it’s a useless emotion. Take mom a nice plate from your dinner the next day if you’d like. And never feel like you owe her a big explanation or defense of your choices

Just say " they are having a Nice Thanksgiving dinner Planned for residents and I do not want to travel on Busy roads this thanksgiving . " Which is the truth . You can't change the Past so Let it Go .

My MIL will not leave her house for anything, so my SIL will take her holiday dinners and sit with her while she eats them. If she does. I wouldn't be surprised if DH doesn't join them.

She won't come to any of our homes, the noise of the gkids makes her insane. BUT she wants to celebrate. Doesn't get that she's not that special!

If I had a dollar for every holiday dinner at my house where DH ran and picked her up (30 minutes each way) and she stayed for maybe an hour and then had a meltdown and had to go home---drove me INSANE. So much work goes into the whole dinner thing--and she ruined it year after year for my DH.

She still gets more than her fair share of attention, but I don't have to deal with it, so that's better for me. DH gets cross about it, but he still fusses her.

I imagine Christmas will be the same. We have our whole family in town (this has NEVER happened in 23 years!!) and I'll be darned if I am going to 'let' DH skip out on precious time with our kids so he can sit in his mom's kitchen and look at her for 2 hours.

It only took me 40 years to figure this out.

"We think this year Mom, that its just going to be just us and the kids. You will be having a nice celebration at the AL and we can join you there if u want" If she gets mad remind her that she has never come to your home but expected you to bring it to her. Sorry, not this year. She can celebrate with the other residents. There will be no bringing it to her.

You know, all those times you took the dinner to her, you could have left. It was her choice not to come to your home and enjoy dinner with the family. You could have dropped off the dinner and said "I am going back to be with my family" Maybe if she had to spend a TG eating alone, she would have thought twice next year. Do not play into your Moms manipulations. She is now safe, warm and fed. You do not allow urself to be at her beck and call. If not an emergency, you do it when you can. You don't have to visit everyday or for more than 30 min.

No your not a monster. You a person who has done enough for Mom. Its time for YOU! I find that people who have a parent like Mom that handle them the best are the ones that just smile and handle the parent with humor. "Right Mom, when do you think I can fit that in, I work, then come home to fix a meal, then take Tommy to his game, come home then everyone gets ready for bed" saying all this with a smile on their face. Please have no guilt. And don't allow her to guilt u. Its, "No Mom, sorry, this year its just me and mine"

I want to add that that your husband has my vote for sainthood for having put up with a MIL who "spurns" him for 49 years.

There is absolutely no reason for either guilt or anger here.

I am THRILLED to hear that Mom has now moved to a facility where she can be cared for without ruining your lives.
So let's stick to that.
How about a little honesty: How about laying this holiday thing to rest once and for all? Such as:

"Mom I need to tell you that you won't be coming to our home for holidays. This is the request of my husband, who you consistently spurned throughout your relationship with us. I will be honoring his request because now it is time for MY HUSBAND to be my FIRST CONCERN. I hope you will have a lovely day with the festivities here, and I will see you the day after".

How about THAT? It's honest. It's gentle. It is the truth. And in all honesty it IS TIME FOR YOUR HUSBAND NOW.

Have a happy holiday. You didn't create your Mom's woes. You cannot fix them. And you have a right to a life now with your patient hubby. I am in HIS CORNER in this.