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Tell mom you will come see her during her assisted livings Thanksgiving celebration and leave it at that. How many more Thanksgivings does mom get to ruin for you before she dies? Give yourself permission to accept that you might feel guilty for doing what's best for you and do it anyway and please try to enjoy your Thanksgiving with your family.

Adding: you have nothing to feel guilty about for not wanting to bring mom to your house for Thanksgiving or having to see her on Thanksgiving day. But you have to come to that realization for yourself and sometimes the best way to do that is to just allow yourself to feel the guilt but don't act according to said guilt.

Mom has had plenty of Thanksgivings and you have had many Thanksgivings ruined by mom. You shouldn't have to wait until she dies to actually enjoy your life and your family on Thanksgiving day.
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DesertRose7 Nov 2023
Thank you for your response. I like the idea of spending time with her at the center when they have their celebration. I believe they do something just before the holiday so that should not impose on time with my family. Your response is very helpful and I appreciate it. Thank you.
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You are going to drive yourself nuts with all this overthinking, all it does is create more stress for you.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.

Your husband and your family are the priorities, certainly not your mother. She has lived her life on her own terms. Personally, I think that you are doing your husband a disservice, he should come first.

There will be plenty for her to do at the facility, let it be, enjoy Holiday, you are entitled to this breathe of fresh air.....finally.

Sending support your way!
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DesertRose7 Nov 2023
Thank you for your response. It’s wonderful to have this group when I feel like I need to vent. Everything you said is so true and I do feel better about the situation after having read all of this support.
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Your mom is in a facility that is now "home". There will be activities and festivities on Thanksgiving there.

What we did when mom was in a NH was we planned a family party at the facility for the Saturday or Sunday before or after the holiday.

This gave mom the ability to see everyone, enjoy the grands and food (we brought in stuff we cooked) and she could go back to her room when she was tired.

My mom was not manipulative. But if someone I was "doing" for made comments to me about how I wasn't doing enough, I'd vore with my feet and stop helping. At all

Your family comes first. That goes without saying.
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You and your family come first. Period. Mom is the one who needs to be doing the adjusting.

You've done all you can for mom, and like many on this board, you realize that you overdid it to your detriment and that of your family.

Mom needs to join in at her center and have a great Thanksgiving with the people at her new home. The umbilical cord was cut when you were born, and there's no need to keep reattaching it!

Good luck with Thanksgiving and with your own personal growth.
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DesertRose7 Nov 2023
Thank you for your response. In my heart I know I have to put my family over mom and I will work on not letting guilt enter into the equation. Your response was very helpful.
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