My dad is 75 and cognitively all there. After 2 months in the hospital for a GI infection and a stint in rehab, it was strongly urged that dad be transferred to AL since he is still so weak and unable to do much for himself. I've visited and met with several facilities and we've found one we really like--the admissions director even came to meet my dad. Dad is ok with it, but I'm having such guilt, grief, and anxiety over this change. I know it's the right thing--I'm just curious to hear from others on how you coped with the transition.
"Guilt: punishing yourself before God doesn't." -- Alan Cohen
"What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing." -- Joseph Prince
From my own experience - both of my parents are now in facilities - a part of these feelings is that I am facing my own future, and it makes me very sad and scared.
I would advise you to read ANYTHING of the late Hugh Prather's books. He was a 30 year friend of mine(RIP, Hugh, I so miss you) & married me to the man I now presently care take. Not what I bargained for but the gift I have been given.
Moment to moment...that is all we have anyway so I choose to get into the now.
Please look into the books of Hugh's-you will find short reads that will change your life & help you. Please choose Love instead of fear/AKA guilt. However, saying this -be where you are & when it is time for you-it will manifest.
Blessings are YOU.
I spoke with the social worker about this just the past Friday. he told me that I need to also have a life and if I dwell to much about guilt and anxieties I would eventually be of no value to my loved one. so . so you must figure out a way to relieve the guilt. I'm sure you will eventually.
good luck
Did he previously live with you?
The same thing happened with my dad. He went into the hospital after a fall and lying on the floor alone all day, then went to rehab, and I was approached by the staff that they were of the opinion that he stay there, in the nursing home. I had always told him that I would never put him a nursing home but I was so naïve. I had no idea what I would be facing on my own.
It was a very difficult transition for me. Since my dad and I lived together he paid his half of the household bills. I had to find another place and fast. I didn't work while I cared for him so I also had to find a job and fast. I had to pack up the house, decide which of dad's things to keep, which to throw out, all the while visiting with him almost everyday. We both felt out of control. The stress was indescribable, I've never experienced that much stress and upset in my entire life. I felt so guilty, like you do now. It's all I thought about. That promise I made to him shattered me. At the time he too was with it. One day I broke down and sobbed while sitting in front of him in his room at the NH. I put my head on his lap and told him how sorry I was. I didn't mean to fall apart like that but it had just been building and building.
People kept telling me to not feel guilty and I had my brother's support. But being told not to feel guilty, while I appreciated it, didn't help. I still felt guilty. My dad had many illnesses that were all creeping up on him and there's no way I could have cared for him alone anymore and I just had to keep telling myself that. I visited with him as much as I could and made sure he knew that I was still his caregiver. He went along with everything because that's the kind of guy he was. Never complained. He made it very easy on me, bless his heart. As I saw him rapidly deteriorate I realized that the staff had been right, that there was no way I could have handled that on my own. In time the guilt went away but until it did I had to just live with it and try to approach it logically as opposed to emotionally. There was absolutely nothing fair about the situation but I don't remember anyone ever telling me that life was fair.
We cope with it because we don't have a choice. You've done the right thing. I know it's a huge life change not just for your dad but for you too. Try to let go of the guilt. The people who kindly told me to not feel guilty had never been in my situation before. I've been in your situation and I know how you feel.