My 81yr old mother who lives with me early dementia she cam still care for herself she has not driven since 2014. I do all the other stuff. Both my siblings which are older have had drug issues so I can not depend on either except my brother to stay over nights the problem is she does not want me to leave like just for a couple days I just need a break. She says when I'm dead you can go see your friends and travel all you want. I do not mind caring for her just want a break to stay sane.
Have you considered speaking with a therapist? If you can’t get away, many will make appointments online. I felt better when I was able to express my feelings with my therapist.
Plus, it helped to see my situation from my therapist’s perspective. Therapy will help you to focus on what was important and make plans for the future.
It sort of feels like it will never end when we have been caregiving for a long time.
You should take breaks to refresh your mind and body. Speak to your mother honestly and tell her calmly that you love her but you must have a break in order to be able to take care of her.
If you want to you could even approach the topic of placing your mom in a facility.
I hope that you are able to get some relief soon. It’s really exhausting to be a caregiver. It’s the toughest job that I ever had.
I would opt for placement for your Mom. Use what assets she has in her care. If she has no assets you will have to apply for medicaid and she will be in a nursing home that accepts her SS payments .
What your Mom says now doesn't really figure in this. She isn't well enough to be making decisions any more so you have to make them for the best or all, for the safety of all, for the lives of all.
If you wish to keep your mother in your care, then I would see an elder law attorney, make certain you have the ability to manage her finances, create a plan of care and shared living costs, being certain to put aside enough to put Mom in facility respite care while you take off the time you need to recover a bit.
I sure do wish you good luck, whatever choices you make, but most importantly change out your g-words, because words matter. Use the more appropriate "GRIEF" for all you are feel, for all you are enduring, and for all your Mom must endure. Not everything can be fixed. Some things must be endured and they are worth the grieving for sure.
I would encourage you to Google the term "Fear, Obligation and Guilt".
Your mother sounds like she has made you her plan for old age.
Did you agree to give up your life to care for her?
What is your plan for YOUR old age?
What will happen to your mom if you die first? Did you know that 40% of caregivers pre-decease their charges?
Please give some thought as to what YOU want to do. No other person has the right to demand your services, even if you're being paid.