I am new to posting here. My mother is 96, and totally bedridden, incontinent, and has to be fed, and has dementia/Alzheimers, and lives with myself & my husband. I am her only caregiver, but do have enriched nursing care come 1-2 times a week in to monitor/help care for her pressure ulcers that only recently started to develop. All the nurses say that I am doing an excellent job of caring for her, given the situation. I am always feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and know that she may be soon reaching hospice level - she has been on the decline for the last 3 years, in the past year, losing the ability to walk, and now has to be fed almost like a baby, and is sleeping a lot more lately.
My Father's dying wish was that I 'take care of mother' and I have tried to do the best I can. It was also her dreaded fear that she would have to go into a nursing home, and she often stated she would rather die first. I promised her that I would take care of her, and also do not want her in a nursing home. She was always dependent on me for most everything, and I have tried to be a good daughter, but find myself often feeling resentful that she always demanded a lot from me, even when Dad was alive. In fairness to her, she was a good & loving mom, as far as she knew how to be. I also adored my Dad, and miss him very much - we had a loving home because of both of them. I am now almost 64, and I am worn out & stressed out, as I also have to care for my husband who cannot do much because of his COPD. My only sibling is a brother who lives in the next city, and is handicapped, and he & his wife are dealing with her elderly mother, so I can't expect much help from him, and want to remain on good terms with them. I don't expect him to come over & help, which would be difficult for him anyway.
I guess I would feel better if I knew I wasn't alone in feeling pulled in 2 directions - guilt that I'm not doing enough for her, and resentment that I am doing all of this on my own. I have faith in the Lord, and ask for His help daily in caring for her & dealing with all the emotions that go along with seeing her decline - anger that she is like this - like "WHERE IS MY MOTHER & what have you done with her"? I want so much to be able to talk with her again, and learn more about our family history. Never realized how much I would miss hearing those old stories. Seeing her frail little body, and remembering what a beautiful strong woman she was. Wondering how I am also going to end up if I live to be that age, I have no children to watch out for me.
When the time comes - I know that I will be grateful that I was able to care for her, but it's the process that is so difficult. Sometimes I wish the Lord would just take her home, as I know that she would not want to be like this. Then occasionally she surprises me, and out of the blue - says something that actually makes sense, like "I love you honey", or "thank you honey" when I feed her or wipe her mouth. It's then that I miss my "normal" mom so much, before this scourge of dementia stole her mind, and realize how much I will miss her when she's gone. No wonder she used to have this saying before her mind started to go... "Old age is cruel"..... Thanks for listening - I guess I needed to get this out.
You are doing a great job. And yes all of your feelings are normal. My mom is 95 and was liviing on her own until 6 months ago. She is now in a facillity. Very fragile and has multiple medical issues. She has 24/7 nursing care and we have seen a great improvement in her medical condition. (she was constantly in and out of the hospital when we were caring for her at home). My sister struggled with the "not going to a nursing home" issue. A promise she made to mom years ago. She told mom she would take care of her. A friend of hers who had been thru the same thing told her that she was taking care of her by getting her the best care plan she could i.e. being at the facility where she was safe and taken care of around the clock. That seemed to help her but she (and all of my siblings) still feel guilty. But honestly seeing how she has improved physically while there does give us some relief. someone said in an earlier post that nursing homes aren't what they used to represent to our parent's generation. My mom has the same care givers everyday and they have gotten to know her and her likes and dislikes.
and she has gotten to know them and trust them. I know I sound like I am trying to justify the decision and lessen my guilty feelings (and I probably am). It is so hard to face the decline mentally and physically that our parents are facing. We want them to be as they were when we (and they) were younger. As for ourselves, it has made me realize the need to make a plan for the day when I might be in the same position. And make sure my family knows what I want so they might not have to make all the decisions and live with the feeling that those decisions produce.
thanks for your support.
LynetteD
Very sorry to hear about your husband's cancer. Prayers are with you and him that he will get thru this just fine. It seems that is always something.. My hubby has advanced COPD, and it's a struggle to watch him battle those issues that go along with this rotten disease - especially with the severe winter this year, and he can't shake off these respiratory illnesses plauging him.
I worry that I will lose both Ma & him in a short amount of time, and that is terrifying. But - I know that the Lord will be with me somehow, He always provides what we need.
God bless.
LynetteD
hugs & prayers to you, too
Hugs and prayers.
God bless you all who took the time to answer my question. Looking forward to joining in future discussions. I am glad I found this site.
Like you, I also have no kids and wonder who is going to be taking care of me? I have no idea. Wishing you the best!! Your mom is blessed to have you!!!
I guess you can say that we get torn between helping them and rescuing ourselves from the potential harm that comes from neglecting our own needs.
I've been doing it for 13 years (and had my dad also for 9 of those years). My mom doesn't live with me, but I do everything for her. She's ready to go and my life is on hold. I'll do the very best I can for her as long as she's here, but I do resent the loss of my own independent life.
I don't have children either (and am not married) so there's no one to take care of me when I'm old - if I live that long. Over time I've developed ways of coping - good friends to connect with and regular physical activity to wear me out physically. So I'm good. But I empathize with you and you are definitely not alone in having those feelings.
Resentful, of course. My parents [mid-90's] had a wonderful fun-filled 25 year retirement. I keep wondering when will my retirement start, and it won't be as exciting as theirs as I am now in my own age related decline. I still have my career and refuse to give it up... it's my sanity. My parents still live alone in their own house, which is not elder proof. I am a basket case of worry.
As for nursing homes, our parent's generation had a different concept to what nursing homes are all about. They never have had the chance to see what TODAY'S homes offer. They still think such a place is dark, drab, with unsmiling faces. I tried to get my parents to see a wonderful retirement village which would be like living in a 5-star resort... Dad said, maybe in a couple of years... [sigh]. Even though I told him it's not a nursing home, he and Mom still wouldn't budge. I probably will be living there before they do :P