My husband is using handheld urinals at home, as this is the best solution for his conditions. It ends up being neater, as it minimizes accidents. Since the urinals should be easily accessible, they are placed in the most used areas of the house. He is emptying them in the bathroom and thoroughly cleaning them each time. I like our arrangement when it's just the two of us, since there are few boundaries between us as spouses.
We have a strong disagreement when it comes to receiving visitors. I prefer that in those times we keep the urinals less visible, either in a corner, covered or in the bathroom. He sees that as an affront to himself and his condition, and insists I shouldn't be ashamed of him. I don't want him to feel less than, yet I still can't get myself to be ok with actual urine being in sight of our guests. If the urinal is not totally empty, there is little doubt what's in it.
The other aspect is that even though he started to use adult diapers at times, keeping the urinals out of sight could lead to even more embarrassing accidents if he cannot reach one easily.
Please help me understand if I am being overly sensitive. Do you have any advice how to handle this from a relationship perspective or a more practical way?
I am a woman (also a nurse with much past exposure to both male and female nakedness.). And I would say, don't be too hard on a man who seems to care little for privacy.
I don't know, but I sometimes think that boys/men learn modesty almost exclusively from women...mothers, wives, aunts, sisters, female teachers etc.! If visitors are to include women, maybe you can remind him that women tend to be easily (perhaps excessively so) embarrassed by some things. Though you and he both appreciate the visits, you don't want to make your women friends uncomfortable. He may be too tired, ill or uncomfortable to care. If that's the case, there may be little you can do except take care of his urination in the least obvious ways possible.
I would be very tempted to put a big, long straw in the ones he wants left out to "mark" his territory. Maybe put a drop of red food coloring and call it his kool-aid.
Wouldn't that make people wonder? ;-)
I was eventually able to convince him to keep the urinal next to his chair in the living room in a bucket he could then cover with a hand towel. It wasn't perfect but better than actually having to look at it (and prevented more than one accident from it tipping over... those lids don't always seal perfectly). Maybe you could come up with a similar arrangement. Good luck.
YOU are NOT being overly insensitive. Your husband is being rude to his guests is my opinion. If you know guests are coming, he should put on disposable underwear until after they leave. It really isn't that hard. It sounds like he's trying to draw attention to his condition and wants to make a scene. Does he actually pull it out in front of guests? If so, expect your guest list to go down soon. Especially YOUR female friends. Again, without knowing his condition, it's hard to be fair, but he is being very unfair to you. Good luck.
What do u use to deodorize his urinals?
I am looking into disposable pants but don't know which kind to get. He is boxer wearer so it will feel odd to him
He wants urinals close by. You want them out of sight when visitors arrive.
Both valid reasons. His is more about his physical needs but I am not dismissing the embaressment this causes you.
What about a compromise?
He gets one urinal to be placed nearby when visitors call. Not on show. Discrete, down low, besides his chair where he can grab it. Not sitting up on the coffee table like a vase. I think that's reasonable.
When he has to go, he can just say so. Visitors then leave the room. He voids & he or you dispose. Wash hands & resume visit.
If I visit someone & hear "I have to use the bottle now" that's my cue to leave the room!
If your visitors are hard of hearing, or slow to catch on, they may need a nudge into the next room. That can be done with little fuss, just use honesty & let the visitors use their social skills. I doubt many would be truly shocked at that - if so, they must have had quite sheltered lives. If small children are visitors they may need a little wording up first, unless you like inquisitive personal why questions 😉
My friend (female) was asked by my small manchild where the catheter went, & could he see where it was plumbed in? 🤣
Does your husband have dementia? It might be his personality driving this but he's not the only one who gets a say. If it bothers you then put your foot down. You're obviously pretty understanding since these jugs are present in different rooms in your shared home.
I would encourage him to move to wearing only absorbent briefs by removing other options (his regular underwear), but that's just what I resorted to with my father. Hopefully you can convince your DH of the good sense in moving to briefs/Depends all the time. Even if he doesn't always need them they are a good safety net to prevent the embarrassing accidents.
If its a man friend visiting, no problem but not sure if a woman would be comfortable. Really, men look at this completely different than women.
I was unable to hold the urinal for my husband when he was in the hospital so my sister (a nurse) and her husband (AF medic) took care of that when the staff didn't respond quickly enough. And I left the room!
Honestly, if I visited someone who had urinals sitting around, I probably would not stay long and most definitely would not come back.
There was a meme going around on FB captioned, "Went to the nursing home's annual yard sale and picked up this great new gravy boat." And of course the picture was of a urinal pouring gravy at Thanksgiving. I gagged.
Would a disposable diaper work? The overnight kind have more absorbency and most are nearly undetectable under somewhat loose- fitting pants. Seems that some sort of compromise will be necessary here.
In the days when you had your period, was he disrespectful enough to expect you to deal with that in privacy, too? Tsk, tsk.
Would he be willing to wear a disposable diaper just when guests visit? These are often undetectable under loose fitting pants.
If he can get up to clean urinals etc, why can't he get up, go into the bathroom to use urinal? Is he being lazy and strategically placing urinals at convienient places? I guess I'm not understanding his thinking? You are absolutely right! They need to be put away or covered. Better yet, perhaps he needs a catheter? That can be covered as well and doesn't even have to get up! I'd have his Dr talk to him about this!
Your husband being unreasonable. Urinals are not like light switches and don't have to be mounted on the walls.
When you have company does your husband walk them all over the house to visit, so there has to be urinals everywhere?
What so often happens when a person has health issues and they don't live alone, they assume that the whole house is only theirs and everyone in it is there to serve them and make their lives convenient. They don't realize that other people share the home and have lives.
You have a right to have company in your home and when they are there to not have urinals all over the place. That is not an unreasonable request.
the times that you expect company is it possible to use a condom catheter? No need for a hand help urinal and no one would even be aware that he is voiding.
I do not understand his reluctance to either cover, hide or even remove the urinals when you have company. Would he actually sit on the couch or in his chair and grab the urinal and use it while entertaining company?
If he can get up and empty and clean the urinal I see no reason why for a time he could not get up and use the bathroom. (Obviously unless there is a medical condition that makes this impossible but your post does not indicate so)
This is about politeness to visitors, not shaming DH. If DH really wants a display, it’s a different issue.