My mom has been sick for four months and I have moved in for two months to care for her. She had surgery and her muscles have pretty much died from being in bed with pain. She has started physical therapy but refuses to do the exercises on her own. She won't do them on the days the p t doesn't come. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot if I refuse she pouts and cries. She is very negative demanding and impatient I am to the point of resenting her and the guilt is overwhelming me.
I'm disturbed by the picture that you paint of being expected to wait on your mother, even in your childhood. It sounds as though she has some serious issues. In addition to seeking a social worker to assess her situation, you might try to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings of guilt, and help you identify your true obligation to your mom (keeping her safe arranging for her care paid for by her) as opposed to her unrealistic demands ( being waited on, supplying her with "happiness").
Are you her POA? You need to call you local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment. Her doctor may also have indicated to you what her needs were. Does she have the financial ability to hire in home help?
Don't give into the Guilt game of the F.O.G. from the emotionally abusive person. While you can't change them, you can chose not to dance with them.
I hope that your brother truly just checks in on her, and doesn't try to become her hands-on caregiver.
I like JessieBelle's suggestion to get a needs assessment for your mother. A social worker can help her understand her options for getting the care she truly needs. Maybe that is something you and your brother can work together on by phone and email, after you leave.
I don't know how to tell you to shut off the guilt feelings. Those can seem to have a life of their own. But I do urge you to make sensible decisions in spite of the guilt feelings. Push those feeling way to the background.
Continue to love your mother. Be an advocate for her and try to see that she gets good care. But DO NOT think you must provide the hands-on care yourself.
It would be so much easier if we could tell our parents that they WILL do things and they would do them. It can be such a battle. Many times they want our help, but they want it on their own terms.
Something you might consider is having a social worker come in to access her needs. You can let her know that neither your brother nor you can help to the extent that she is presently requesting. A social worker may have some good suggestions if she knows what your mother can afford. Perhaps having a caregiver coming in for a while each day would be enough, or maybe she needs something more. If your mother is not trying, then giving up your own life to cater to her does not seem to be a good option to me. There are other options that would better meet the needs of everyone, IMO.
You may have to do tough love with your mother. She is refusing PT and depending on you to do things for her. The trouble is that if she doesn't do things, pretty soon she won't be able to. It is the old "Use it or Lose it" principal. Anything you know she can do, tell her that she needs to do it for herself. Let her know it is for her own good. If she pouts or gets mad, stand your ground. You probably know what she can or can't do.
Do you have a job or family to get back to? If your mother decides she won't get up and do things, you may have to consider placing her in a facility where they can care for her. We do have to continue to take care of ourselves. Sometimes our parents become so self-focused that they forget that their children also need to live. This can have bad consequences, so caregivers have to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Good luck and welcome to the group.