My mother, who has dementia, has in home aides a couple of hours a day. They are supposed to help her bathe, take medication, do light housekeeping, and drive her to her many social activities. (She has a LTC policy that pays for this.) Unfortunately, the home care aides do what she tells them to do , and not what I have told them to do, which means my mother seldom gets a bath, and that she forgets to take her pills without a reminder. I want her to move to assisted living, and I put deposits on two different facilities. Her doctor says she MUST move to assisted living or get 24 hour a day in home care (based on recent cognitive testing). She laughs in his face! I am thinking of starting the legal process to get a guardianship, but I have no support from my sister who says our mother is happy (living in squalor -- did I say she refuses to have her house cleaned?). Her friends are calling us with concerns. She is showing up to bridge in soiled clothes with holes and serving moldy food to guests. She put back in the refrigerator old food an aide had thrown in the garbage. My mother says if we go the legal route she will never speak to us. Advice please!
What choice is there?
You have to bit the bullet and do what is necessary.
I was in a similar situation. I did force my mother into the AL, it was awful, and then she began to receive the correct medications in the correct dosages. And life was good. That was 2.5 years ago.
Today it is all just a bad memory. I visit my mom and she knows who I am and we play cards.
Even if your mom won't speak to you, is that worse than what is happening now??? Are you having great conversations with your mom?
Do what is the best for her and let the chips fall where they may.
If you have a Durable Power of Attorney you can do this. If not you may need guardianship. Your doctor can back you up. If she never speaks to you - well, that will last about a day - but just roll with it.
Most elders have no idea how nice most modern assisted living facilities are. Yes, there are bad ones, but, in most states, they have improved immensely.Many are lovely and offer compassionate care. The same is true for many nursing homes. Both types of facilities often offer memory care.
I feel that this is a case where you have to override your mother's wishes because her brain will not allow her to think clearly. She needs your help. It's very hard, I know. We hate having our parents so upset with us. You'll need to be prepared for her to be nasty to you even after you move her. Just let it go. Eventually, she will likely get so that she enjoys herself, especially since you indicate that she is social. This could be the best thing that every happened to her, yet she may not admit it to you. Bite the bullet anyway and do what must be done.
Good luck to you with this. It's tough. Many of us know this.
Carol
One thing positive, your Mom does allow Home Aides to come into the house. So many elders even refuse that type of help. Maybe you need to hire professional Caregivers from an Agency, if it is within Mom's budget, and the Agency usually have Caregivers who can over-ride the resident to do what actually does need to be done. Like going through Mom's closet and washing the soiled clothing.... going through the refrigerator to remove expired food [when the client is napping is usually the best time to do this].
Depending on your Mom's age, many elders remember back when "nursing homes" were actually asylums, thus the reason they will refuse to move. Trick Mom into visiting one, saying you are helping a friend look for a senior living complex and you can get a free lunch [if you call ahead]. Mom might be pleasantly surprised, and may even see someone there that she knows from the past.
Otherwise, you will need to wait for a medical crises to happen. My Mom was very stubborn, wouldn't move nor have caregivers nor have cleaning crews, and here she and my Dad were in their 90's. Yep, we have a crises, a very serious life threatening fall, and Mom lived her final 3 months in long-term-care. Dad happily went into Assisted Living and loved it there.