My daughter and I are both collecting SSI disability benefits, I have a disability pension from work due to mental health issues. My mental health status is once again going downhill. I have to take a lot of medication to keep my stress level low. My daughter and I are picking up most of the household bills. He will come busting in our bedrooms without knocking. He also has his own ideas about how we should live our lives. I understand it's his house and he still wants his independence. But, me being the only caregiver is a nightmare. We have tried to get outside caregivers, but we live in a very rural location. I can admit he is not receiving the best care by me. I do try, but on days when he pushes me over the edge, I can't function as a caregiver. I've tried different options to make the living arrangement work, but no success. HIs hours are not normal. We have tried Meals on Wheels, but they did not meet up to his standards. I've also tried to get a list of meals that he would like to eat. That way I can prepare some and have them in the freezer for his late night meal. I'm trying to find a local caregiver support group I can go to in person. I'll welcome any advice.
Could you and daughter manage financially to live on your own, perhaps in subsidized housing? Could Dad get by on his own? Are his impairments severe enough so that he'd need to be in a care center if you weren't there?
It really doesn't sound like you are in a situation good for you or your father.
I would tell you to put locks on your bedroom doors, but wouldn't be surprised if he just pounded and yelled about how it was his house. There is really no option for your own peace of mind except to leave. Is your father able to care for himself at his age? That is a huge concern. There has to be a better option of you being pushed to the edge.
With dementia and elder rage in some folks, what seems rational & equitable to most in a more balanced mind is not so in the other. It is makes for the sensation of feeling crazy.
Boundaries are tough when living with elderly parent/s - especially when at a bare minimum, we hope to have the simple respect devoid of narcissistic interruption. It may be more than that, of course - his own depression, fears, etc about his life and add into it - dementia if applicable.
I am in a similar situation and making plans to leave but being hired is tough at my age. Many companies ay not recognize caregiving as a valued or relevant experience. Especially when we are doing it for family and unpaid. In caregiving employer situations, we would actually have clear hours, benefits, a paycheck and boundaries. Very different animal which compounds the family obligatory and guilt additive.
In what ways are you not the best caregiver to him? Are there areas in which you are positing behaviors that are influencing how he behaves towards you? Is there anything you can change about that, if so? What would help you best? Can you and he work as a team to establish boundaries and can you improve your caregiving skills?
Best wishes.
Self preserve---for you and your daughter's sake.
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